Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadcapManateeMakingManicottiInManayunkMonday, August TwennyFivest, 2014.
We are somewhat nonplussed (although, frankly, We’re not entirely sure how plussed We were to begin with (note to Self: ascertain whether or not “plus-oned” is an actual word, and, if not, make it one)) to discover that We know SEVEN people who are turning twenty-four today. Making One wonder what exactly was going on twenty-four years and nine months ago…could that have been the day they released the song “Push, Push In the Bush”?
(We are well aware that “Push, Push In the Bush” was release WAAAAY more than twenty-four years and nine months ago, but We couldn’t be arsed to Google all over Wikipedia looking for an equally smutty song from the proper time frame, so bite Us.)
So Happy Birthday to Liam, and to Liam, each of whom turns twenty-four today here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. (Do two Liams make a Bi-Liam? Inquiring minds want to know…)
Happy Birthday also to Althea, and to Kai, each of whom also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Birthday to Philip, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
Happy Birthday to Brendan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Ron, who turns twenty-four today in Hotlanta.
In a completely unusual turn of events, with so many people celebrating a birthday, odds are We’ve seen at least one of them naked. But Our lips are sealed. (Here’s a hint: it’s not Althea.)
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Kymm and Robert, who turned twenty-four this past weekend, and to OurAmericanCousin Lucas, who turned sixteen, and, consequently, is not old enough to be reading this, what with all the naked people and all.
Speaking of naked people, here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26. If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows.
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
If you would like to feel just a wee bit younger today, Sean Connery is turning eighty-four, Monte Hall is turning ninety-three, and Ruby Keeler is dead.
Your routines are keeping you sane today — so make sure you’re sticking to the schedule as much as you can. (Good lord…We really ARE in Virgo, aren’t We?)
Things are sure to look even better in the near future if you can keep it up. (That’s what SHE said.)
You might get backed into a corner by a boss or coworker today, but don’t panic. (HOW DARE YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU! THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
When you panic, you start to make stupid decisions — and your tendency to exaggerate grows. (If We’ve told you once, We‘ve told you a million time: We NEVER exaggerate.)
So if someone asks for something you haven’t done yet, don’t run around like a chicken with its head cut off. (And here, We’ve just finished Our Chicken Little impersonation….co-inky-dink? We think not…)
The timetable you’re being asked to adhere to might simply be unrealistic, and that’s not your fault. (Unlike everything else, you mean?)
Guess what? (Chicken butt!)
You’re coasting romantically. (It is difficult to coast romantically all by Oneself.)
Don’t limit yourself to your usual circumference. (What? We’re supposed to get even FATTER?!?)
See what’s beyond the limits of comfort. (Discomfort?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.