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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Put your hands down my pants and I bet you’ll feel nuts

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, August Sixrd, 2014.

August Sixrd already?  Whoever woulda thunkit.  June and July certainly did disappear in the blink of an eye…you don’t see January and February going away that quickly, do ya?

Happy birthday to Kristen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy birthday also to Christian, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Kristen, Christian, Christian, Kristen…this sounds suspiciously like David Letterman’s mysterious “Uma, Oprah” joke…

And last but not Lee Strasberg, happy belated birthday to Jake and Michael, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.

Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…

Oh, shut up.

We are very fortunate, in Our life (lives?  (The Royal We is (are?) complexicated…)), to be blessed with many LovelyAndTalented friends of many varying lovelinesses and talentednesses, some of whom, when We say “our oven is broken and bunless”, actually say things like, “*I* can fix that!”, and then they do.  (The broken part, that is.  The broken part of Our oven is fixed.  There is still no bun in there.  (Thank GAWD!)) 

So thanks to Joe, for putting the heat back into Our (mercifully) still bun-free oven.

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We even knew what We were talking about (for a change).)

What We are NOT, apparently, blessed with are Gentle Gentlemen Readers who will send Us pictures of their nuts in honor of National Grab Some Nuts Day, which was, of course, this past Sunday (which see: ). 

We were having a contest, with prizes and everything.  And, while We were certainly looking forward to some nuts pictures more than others, We are definitely an equal-opportunity nutser, any-nuts-in-a-storm, beggars-can’t-beat-goobers kind of nuts-picture accepter, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  (Which clearly you didn’t.))

What We NEVER expected was not to receive a single nuts picture at all.  Seriously, people, it was National Grab Some Nuts Day…where is your holiday spirit?

Here, in case you nakedly skimmed past it (and, if you’re already naked, you grab your nuts with one hand and your camera/phone with the other and hey, presto…dunzo!) is the official contest description:

We trust you all had a lovely and festive National Grab Some Nuts Day, which was, of course, Sunday, August Fourst.  You MUST have, as obviously you were all too busy exchanging Grab Some Nuts presents and singing Grab Some Nuts carols to enter Our audience participation contest.  We did not receive a single nut picture!  Consequently the contest, whose description We are rerunning below, will remain open through the rest of today, or until a winning nut is found:

Speaking of holidays, We trust you all have your trees trimmed and your shopping done for this coming Sunday, which is, of course, National Grab Some Nuts Day. (Lest you think We are mendaciously prevaricating, here is the website for same: )

In honor of the occasion, We are going to have an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! audience participation contest!

(You’re excited, aren’t you?  We can tell from here.)

We would like to invite all of Our Gentle Gentlemen Readers to send Us pictures of their nuts, either by email, or SitOnOurFaceBook message, or text (if you know Us well enough to have Our phone number).

Ladies, We certainly don’t mean to leave you out…by all means, snap a photo of your favorite gentleman’s nuts and you too can enter the contest.

The best gentleman’s nuts picture will win a prize.  The winner will be announced in this space on Monday. (We can feel the excitement mounting from Minnesota (hi, Allen!) to Colorado (hi, Blair!).

In other news, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends:

Cher and Cher alike.

Also, Cher and Sherilyn Fenn.

Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We need to go celebrate Landon Pigg’s birthday.  (Who?)  Also, speaking of birthdays, in case you weren’t feeling old enough today, if she weren’t (subjunctively), ya know, DEAD, Jonbenet Ramsey would be twenty-four today.  (Which seems like an excellent place for a shout-out to Greg…Hi, Greg!) Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you notice that We did this exact same thing in Our last e-pissode, and, since Madame Olivia only sends Us readings once a week, We’re doing it again.  But We suspect that the likelihood that any of you are actually reading this is about equal to the likelihood that any of you will send Us pictures of your nuts, so what possible difference does it make?
Actually, this is the third time We’ve done it now (the preceding paragraph went unremarked last week), so We’re fairly certain at this juncture that We could just hire ten thousand monkeys with ten thousand typewriters and be done with it.
The first Gentle Gentleman Reader who send Us a picture of one or more of his nuts with the caption, “What the hell is a typewriter?” will win a prize.

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.