Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, August Twenniest, 2014.
Happy birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And who gets a special
shout-out for not only watching Our
Leo video, but being the first person to point out that Leo doesn’t get a
synesthesia color in said video. Of
course, We include such an imperfection in EACH of Our videos, because only
Gawd is perfect.
Also, every sperm is sacred.
Happy birthday also to Ed, who also turns
twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
And happy birthday to Cindy, who turns
twenty-four today all the way out in Texas.
Where, the song would have Us believe, all Our exes live.
Our Leo video (with its one imperfection) is
above, and here is the link with which you may place it on the SitOnMyFaceBook
pages of your friends having Leonine birthdays: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
Speaking of country-western
songs, here is a little something for Our Gentle Readers who are both
country-western fans and feminists:
We received SO many
responses to Our requests for dates for Our Fringe Festival schedule that We
have now booked dates all the way up to and including the 2056 Fringe
Festival. (Where We hear Tribe of Fools
will be doing a show entitled Grandpa Gumby
Plays Canasta In Depends™.) But just in case you would like to try to bump
one of Our dates with a better offer, We are reprinting Our schedule below:
As promised,
here are Our preliminary dates of attendance at Fringe Festival shows, in
anticipation of the many handsome suitors who will vie to be Our dates at same:
Friday,
September 5, 8:00 The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed, which We directed and wrote
sketches for, at L’Etage. We will be
there that night, barring unforeseen difficulties at the Murder Mystery
Factory, and We hope you will be too.
Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/
Monday,
September 8, 8:00 Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers, at The Church of the Crucifixion. We look forward to Tribe of Fools’ Fringe
offering every year more than any other show.
We first saw them in Heavy Metal
Dance Fag, then, in last year’s AntiHero,
actors actually walked on the walls.
Maybe this year they’ll dance on the ceiling? Tickets here:
http://fringearts.com/event/two-street-a-tale-of-star-crossed-mummers-12/
Sunday,
September 14, 3:00 Truth Be Told’s Bent, starring OurSistahOvella, at
the Power Plant. Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/bent-7/
So if you have
an overwhelming desire to see any of these shows, (or, more importantly, to
date Us (We know you’re out there…We can hear you breathing)), holla at Us. (Note
that We have not yet purchased Our tickets for these shows, so these dates are
subject to change. (Especially if We get
offers of hotter dates on other dates.
(Or figs…because, mmmmm, figs!)))
Coincidentally,
both of those last two productions are currently fundraising, so if you happen
to have a mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound with which you know not what to do,
you could donate them here:
http://www.gofundme.com/bent-philly-fringe …for Bent…
(Is it wrong
that We are now imagining how it would be so much more convenient for Us (it being, of course, All About Us)
if they were (subjunctively) to combine these last two productions into
one? Gay
Mummers Go To Dachau has a nice ring to it, no?)
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
It is Demi Lovato’s birthday. It is not entirely clear to Us who the hell
Demi Lovato actually is, but We do
enjoy saying, “Domo arigato, Demi Lovato”, so there’s THAT.
And
now, in the interests of saving time and accomplishing other things (and
because We are plum tuckered out after having a synesthetic experience on
command earlier), herewith, in lieu of call-and—response with AssHatted
Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
Welcome back and thank you for consulting
Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia finds that she always falls
hungrily on tips for beating procrastination. If you're seriously stuck, one
invaluable tip is so simple: SET A RIDICULOUSLY TINY GOAL for the day (or
hour). This sets the bar low, thus inviting you into the project rather than
scaring you away. Who cares if you just get a little done: you're in it! You're
doing it! You got something done!
It's possible, dear Aries, that in coming
days you will run into a brief patch of interpersonal whatnot that plunges you
into a run of self-pity and make you feel like B.B. King when he growls out
Nobody loves me but my mother and she could be jivin'. If you fall into such a
mood, Madame Olivia suggests you not snap out of it but wallow in it. The only
way out of a mood like that is through. Poor you. Put on some B.B. King.
Significant numbers for you now: multiples of
7
Madame Olivia sends to you her own positive
energy and best wishes for your continued journey.
Aries
You'll become embroiled in a steamy office
romance next week, which would be better if you weren't the trusty in charge of
bringing the warden his meals.
Taurus
It's going to be hectic and stressful for the
next few days, but it'll all be worth it by Friday when the pope excommunicates
you for the coolest reason ever.
Gemini
You're a bit sad that you never get invited
to cool parties, but you'll be downright angry when you hear about the awesome
ones they hold at your place the second you leave every day.
Cancer
Remember, a bend in the road isn't the end of
the road. While we're on the subject, the circular device on the dashboard can
be used to turn your car.
Leo
Next week's horrifying accident inspires an
outcry for more stringent safety standards in coal-fueled power plans until
everyone realizes it was actually just all your fault.
Virgo
Your whole life is thrown into a terrible new
perspective when you learn that Enter The Dragon is not intended to be a
romantic comedy.
Libra
Your troubles will all be over next week, and
what's even better, it all happens so fast that investigators will agree you
probably didn't feel a thing.
Scorpio
You'll get a free beverage refill when
ordering a large-sized French fries, but really that's going to be about it for
you this week.
Sagittarius
You should avoid making any financial
decisions next week, as the pain you'll be in from all the third-degree flash
burns will probably affect your judgment.
Capricorn
While the ideal gas law is certainly
important, your attempt to apply it to every situation in your life can only
lead to disaster.
Aquarius
Former Rams quarterback Norm Van Brocklin
will appear to you in a dream and explain to you at embarrassing length why
you're not quite good enough for Bart Starr to appear in your dreams.
Pisces
All your hard work will finally pay off this
week, but not, of course, for you.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment