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Friday, August 1, 2014

Almond Joy™’s got nuts…Mounds™ don’t

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August Oneth, 2014.

August Oneth already?  Whoever woulda thunkit.  June and July certainly did disappear in the blink of an eye…you don’t see January and February going away that quickly, do ya?

As We type this, SitOnMyFaceBook is broken.  So, while We DO remember that today is Ryan’s birthday, and (We think) Anthony’s birthday, We have no hope of recalling whose belated birthday it is.

Happy birthday to Ryan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. ( We should probably refrain from saying that We recall that it is Ryan’s birthday so definitively because he is a hottie. (Also because this is the first time We’re wishing him a happy birthday…but mostly the hottie thing.))

Happy birthday also to Anthony (We think), who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. (Not that Anthony’s not a hottie, mind you, but We have this nagging pesky feeling ("nagging pesky feeling" being the opposite of "peaceful easy feeling") that We’re saying the wrong A-name. (Of all the things We’ve lost, We miss Our mind the most.))

SitOnOurFaceBook is BACK…and We were NOT saying the wrong A-name.  Because We are clearly on Our A-game, in Our A-frame, which is A-shame…

(Whaddaya mean, We rap like a white girl?)

And happy belated birthday to Michael and Roy, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.

Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…

Oh, shut up.

Speaking of holidays, We trust you all have your trees trimmed and your shopping done for this coming Sunday, which is, of course, National Grab Some Nuts Day. (Lest you think We are mendaciously prevaricating, here is the website for same: )

In honor of the occasion, We are going to have an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! audience participation contest!

(You’re excited, aren’t you?  We can tell from here.)

We would like to invite all of Our Gentle Gentlemen Readers to send Us pictures of their nuts, either by email, or SitOnOurFaceBook message, or text (if you know Us well enough to have Our phone number).

Ladies, We certainly don’t mean to leave you out…by all means, snap a photo of your favorite gentleman’s nuts and you too can enter the contest.

The best gentleman’s nuts picture will win a prize.  The winner will be announced in this space on Monday. (We can feel the excitement mounting from Minnesota (hi, Allen!) to Colorado (hi, Blair!).

We were somewhat taken aback by the extremely limited response to Our previous e-pissode, in which We expressed Our opinion of the altercation between Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber (which see: ). 

Said limited response caused Us to imagine, amongst other things, that Josh (hi, Josh!) had not read it.

Also, never let it be said that We Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber.  Here, for example, is Our video with Mister Bieber (which We never miss an occasion to Cher):

Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends:

Cher and Cher alike.

Also, Cher and Sherilyn Fenn.

Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We need to go celebrate Tempestt Bledsoe’s birthday.  Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you notice that We did this exact same thing in Our last e-pissode, and, since Madame Olivia only sends Us readings once a week, We’re doing it again.  But We suspect that the likelihood that any of you are actually reading this is about equal to the likelihood that any of you will send Us pictures of your nuts, so what possible difference does it make?

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.