Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August Oneth, 2014.
August Oneth already? Whoever woulda thunkit. June and July certainly did disappear in the
blink of an eye…you don’t see January and February going away that quickly, do
ya?
As We type this, SitOnMyFaceBook is
broken. So, while We DO remember that
today is Ryan’s birthday, and (We think) Anthony’s birthday, We have no hope of
recalling whose belated birthday it is.
Happy birthday to Ryan, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. ( We should probably refrain from saying that
We recall that it is Ryan’s birthday so definitively because he is a hottie.
(Also because this is the first time We’re wishing him a happy birthday…but
mostly the hottie thing.))
Happy birthday also to Anthony (We think),
who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles. (Not that Anthony’s not a hottie, mind you, but We have this nagging pesky feeling ("nagging pesky feeling" being the opposite of "peaceful easy feeling") that We’re
saying the wrong A-name. (Of all the things We’ve lost, We miss Our mind the
most.))
SitOnOurFaceBook is BACK…and We were NOT
saying the wrong A-name. Because We are
clearly on Our A-game, in Our A-frame, which is A-shame…
(Whaddaya mean, We rap like a white girl?)
And happy belated birthday to Michael and Roy,
who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.
Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…
Oh, shut up.
Speaking of holidays, We trust you all have
your trees trimmed and your shopping done for this coming Sunday, which is, of
course, National Grab Some Nuts Day. (Lest you think We are mendaciously
prevaricating, here is the website for same: http://www.grabsomenutsday.com/ )
In honor of the occasion, We are going to
have an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! audience participation contest!
(You’re excited, aren’t you? We can tell from here.)
We would like to invite all of Our Gentle
Gentlemen Readers to send Us pictures of their nuts, either by email, or
SitOnOurFaceBook message, or text (if you know Us well enough to have Our phone
number).
Ladies, We certainly don’t mean to leave you
out…by all means, snap a photo of your favorite gentleman’s nuts and you too
can enter the contest.
The best gentleman’s nuts picture will win a
prize. The winner will be announced in
this space on Monday. (We can feel the excitement mounting from Minnesota (hi,
Allen!) to Colorado (hi, Blair!).
We were somewhat taken aback by the extremely
limited response to Our previous e-pissode, in which We expressed Our opinion
of the altercation between Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber (which see: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/07/baby-baby-baby-oh.html
).
Said limited response caused Us to
imagine, amongst other things, that Josh (hi, Josh!) had not read it.
Also, never let it be said that We
Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber. Here, for example, is Our video with Mister
Bieber (which We never miss an occasion to Cher):
Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo,
which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz
mens in the zodiac. Our Leo video is
above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
Cher and Cher alike.
Also, Cher and Sherilyn
Fenn.
Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We
need to go celebrate Tempestt Bledsoe’s birthday. Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted
Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
It is very good to see you again.
Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you
notice that We did this exact same thing in Our last e-pissode, and, since Madame
Olivia only sends Us readings once a week, We’re doing it again. But We suspect that the likelihood that any
of you are actually reading this is about equal to the likelihood that any of
you will send Us pictures of your nuts, so what possible difference does it
make?
Circles and round things will be of import in
the near future
Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best
until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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