Totally naked, Bay-Bee, totally nude

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, January Seventeenst, TwennyFourTeen. Happy Birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Allen, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere out in Missininnesotana, which is, or so We understand, near West Wisconsonomington.  Whence Our actor-friend recently brought cultchah to the Sodomites, or whatever religious sect it is that occupies those parts.

Faithful Gentle Readers (who are NOT naked skimmers) will recall Allen from Our recent Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week back in October (which see here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-fking-matt-damon.html ).  The accompanying story being, of course, that We had in fact actually seen both Allen and Kevin naked in the same place, at practically the same time.  How it is that We never received the sexts We requested is beyond Us.

So, at any rate, Happy Birthday to Allen, and to Allen’s birthday suit.

Missininnesotana and West Wisconsonomington being geographically semi-adjacent, One wonders that Allen and Our actor-friend never ran into each other at, say, the Piggly-Wiggly.  Of course, they would have no way of recognizing each other, as We have seen one of them naked and the other one only not-naked.

(We’re gonna pause here for a moo-moo to give you a chance to see if you can figger out what the fuck We’re even talking about.  And, if you DO figger it out, to tell Us about it.)

In other news, We need you all right now quick fast  and in a hurry to get your tickets for  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in Norristown tonight at 8, before they are all sold out.  We are very proud to have been chosen to be a part of this festival, and We want to see you there. 

Tickets are available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:    http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

         .

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

And now, the HorrorScope…

A whole slew of famous folks were born today, from Betty White to Jim Carrey, and Michelle Obama to Benjamin Franklin.  But who else is gonna tell ya that it’s Ita Buttrose’s birthday today?  Nobody, that’s who.

And now, as We must prepare Our hindparts to travel to beautiful downtown Norristown, We leave you with a reading from Madame Olivia. Who, you will notice has grown much less reticent about Uranus, and now uses phrases like “booster rocket of your dreams”.

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia is burning to share with you the following: she just dined in a restaurant where a charming server described a dessert as "sultry and comforting." Madame Olivia was instantly struck with the realization that so often this cunning combo is exactly what people look for in love objects! She entreats you to think about this when you approach candidates for your love. She senses that this might be the booster rocket of your dreams, relationship-wise. You heard it here!

As Uranus continues its travels through your sign, Aries, some important things are getting shaken up. Madame Olivia, admittedly not one to delay gratification, thinks this is an excellent opportunity for you to enjoy what the world has to offer and have fun. This is the kind of suggestion Madame Olivia really likes to make: revel in joy when you can!

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Oops! I did it again!

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherMackerelMonday,  December 2^th , 2013.

The entire WorldWideInterWebNetz were agog and aghast, flummoxed and flabbergasted, Batman and Robin slash fictioned (ooops) to arrive at their places of enjoyment this morning, fire up their ‘puters, and be treated to the unexpected joy of a Sunday e-dition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that they could read before the ink dries on Our Monday e-pisstle.

Just another fortuitous side effect of Holidailies (for an explanation of which, please see yesterday’s e-pissode.  We would not wish to repeat Ourself.  (Repetitively.  (And be redundant))):  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/12/dick-your-balls-with-buddy-holly.html

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Buddy (no relation to the Buddy Holly of yesterday’s e-pissode title), who turns twenty-four today in, Our SitOnMyFaceBook just informed Us, Connecticut.  Which is, of course, a suburb of New York, New York, The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Happy Birthday also to Sean’s Mom, who We just learned turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Blair, who also turns twenty-four today, all the way out in La Pittzburgh.

Sigh.

We did so hope to approach Holidailies this year full of high-minded sentiment, issuing forth e-pisstles full of sound and fury, pomp and circumstance, Batman and Robin slash fiction (ooops)…did We mention sound and fury?

Turns out, We are better at signifying nothing.

So, hot on the heels of Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week and Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, despite the disaster that was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week (from which you really would have thought We’d have learned Our lesson), We bring you Picturing Blair In The Buff Week.

Now, as Blair once resided here at Casa de Crackpot with Us and HimSelf, propriety forbids Us from saying whether We’ve actually ever seen Blair In The Buff or not. However, what follows is a description of one of the previous weeks, and, as no one has ever claimed the prize in question, all of the rules still apply:

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In other news, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week continues apace, and continues to include, presumably, Picturing Peter’s Pubic Hair, unless there’s been some sort of bizarre manscaping incident. We did in fact ask Peter for his nom de pubes, so We could report back to Our Gentle Readers, but We as yet have had no word on what, if anything, Peter has named his pubic hair. More on this story as it (ahem) develops.

It occurs to Us that, unlike the previous Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, in which We have previously peeped at the penii at hand (as it were), Picturing Peter’s Peter Week is a completely different exercise, involving, as it does, one hundred percent imagination, and absolutely zero sense memory.  So if Allen or Kevin, say, were (subjunctively) to sext Us (as the kidz say) a private parts picture, per se, (“per se” didn’t really make sense there, but We were waxing poetic (although perhaps We shouldn’t say “waxing” so close to Allen and Kevin’s private parts)), those would be previously peeped penis pixtures, whereas (seriously?  How literate are We?) if Peter sexted Us a private peter picture, that would be a Peter’s penis picture premiere.

Meanwhile, lest you three gentlemen think this is all just random fun at your expense, the first one of you to send Us a private parts pixture (via phone, email, or SitOnMyFaceBook message) will receive a prize via return mail.  (And no, by “prize”, We do NOT mean a pixture of Our Own private parts.)

And, in case you were wondering, gentlemen, that PRIZE has yet to be claimed.  So fire up those cameraphones and Make. Our. Day.  (You’re picturing Clint Eastwood dressed up as Starzina now, aren’t you?  And this entertainment is ALL FREE.)

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In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: 

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

Absolutely Fabulously Randomly, this just in from Some Guy on OK Stupid:

“If the universe has a finite amount of mass, how can Olive Garden promise unlimited salad and breadsticks?”

We are pretty sure We are in love.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Britney Spears’s birthday.  Britney Spears is most notable in the world of word puzzlers for having a name which is an anagram of “Presbyterians”.  Of course, now that every word puzzler on the planet knows this, she is completely irrelevant.

You are feeling the urge to explore — so throw away the map and take off in a bold new direction!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Vasco da Gama.  (Wouldja believe the Dalai Lama?  (Michelle Obama?)))

This could be as simple as (As simple as We are?  We doubt it…)

trying a new kind of food or as crazy as a spontaneous road trip.  (There SOOO wants to be a “spontaneous abortion” joke here, but We are trying really hard to be fucking polite.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 If you think you can make peace between two people who’ve been bickering a lot lately, you’re probably right. (But where’s the fun in that?  Bicker away, dicks.)

You can see through their bluster (Indeed.  And, at this time of year, they should know better than to wear the see-through bluster without the proper foundation garments.  Jeebus.)

and you know that deep down inside they really like and respect each other. (R-E-S-P-E-C-T…M-O-U-S-E…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Aretha Franklin. (Or, at the very least, Aretha Franklin’s hat.))

Now, all you have to do is to convince them of this. (Well, it is certainly easier to believe that We are Aretha Franklin’s hat than it is to believe that We are Vasco da Gama.  Duh.)

Believe it or not, your word carries a lot of weight with each of them. (Was that a fat joke?)

So step in and say something today. (How many of you are still waiting for the Batman and Robin slash fiction?)

Don’t worry about being told to mind your own business. (What if there IS a business that’s like show business?)

They are looking for a referee.  (We, on the other hand, are looking for a jamboree.  In Our negligee. )

(What?)

Honesty may be the best policy, (We still can’t tell you if We’ve seen Blair In The Buff or not.)

but it’s only right to add a little positive to the negative. (But don’t mess with Mister In-Between.)

If someone asks for romantic advice or if you must let someone down, remember to add a spoonful of sugar. (Insert “go down” joke here.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Birthday greetings, bottle of wine

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, September 25^rd, 2013.  Happy Hump Day to Juan Anne Dahl.

Whatever your political affiliation, you no doubt receive, as We do, some quantity of political emails alerting you to Washingtonian shenanigantics, usually exhorting you to send funds to nudge said shenanigantics in whichever direction you lean.  And We are aware that The Personal Touch is no doubt most effective in inspiring said fund dispersal.  However, someone should be made aware that an email purporting to be from Michelle Obama with the subject line, “Eric, it’s me” makes Us feel as though the First Lady has jumped out of Our broom closet at Us and said “Boo!”

KThxBye.

Meanwhile Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in New York, New York, The City That Never Sleeps (With Us).  Happy Birthday also to Hope, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere called Orwigsburg, Pennsyltucky, of which We had never heard until just this very moment.   Also too also, Happy Birthday to Charly, who also too also turns twenty-four today. In Tennessee.  Which, now that We type it out (which We so rarely do), makes Us wonder why it doesn’t have its own little spelling song, a la “em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye” for spelling “Alabama” or whatever the fuck.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Van, who turns twenty-four today in El Lay.  Or Frito Lay.  One of those.

In other news, despite what your WorldWideInterWebNetz may have told you, Daniel Radcliffe will NOT be playing Freddie Mercury in the upcoming biopic.  We know that worrying about that was occupying all of OUR time.

In other news, The Red-Headed Step-Child of the Philadelphia Theatrical Community has concluded the run of her show, so you will be spared entreaties to purchase tickets.  Also, despite efforts on the part of many to make her feel Less Equal Than Everybody Else, the bitch made her bank, so said show will be back to annoy you all shortly.

Thank you, meanwhile to all of those who came out and/ or supported Us.  We are already hard at work on the Kickstarter rewards.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Speaking of El Lay, We imagine it is closed today in honor of Heather Locklear’s Birthday.  And, in case you were accidentally feeling young or something, Anson Williams, who was, of course, Potsie on Happy Days, is sixty-four today.  Will We still need him, will We still feed him?

Your phone keeps ringing (Yeah, no.  No, it doesn’t.)

— but you can’t always answer it. (Dude.  That is SO existential.  Like, if Helen Keller falls down on Forest Whitaker, who designs the sound?)

Try to manage your communications with an eye toward what’s more important to you.  (We tried that.  Johnny Depp has Our calls blocked.)

Make one person a priority and keep them available.  (Chained up in the basement?  How exactly does that work?)

Two possible scenarios are on the agenda. (Great!  Usually, all We get is one impossible impresario, or two implausible Super Mario Brothers.)

(We have no earthly idea what the fuck We’re talking about.  You know that, right?)

First, a wonderfully entertaining individual will charm you right out of your fiery little shoes with not much more than a word, a glance or a gesture you’ll find immensely attractive … okay, irresistible. (Wait…Our shoes are on fire?!?)

Second, someone could try to manipulate you into dealing with something that’s never been at the top of your favorite list: details you see as not just unimportant, but also extremely irritating. (We vote against that.  Especially since We just narrowly escaped The Towering Shoe Inferno.)

If they arrive at the same time, make yourself scarce. (Feets, don’t fail Us now!)

 It’s got to be better in the long run.  (Our shoes were just on fire.  How the fuck are We supposed to run?)

(Or should that be, “How the fuck are We Supp-Hosed™ to run?”)

 If you’re having trouble breaking the ice with your latest crush, (Which makes a lot more sense than crushing the ice with Our latest break.)

try using email to get things moving. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT’S sex-ay.)

Flirt with smilies! (Alternatively, fart with similes.   You know, as if you were (subjunctively) farting, but you’re really doing something else entirely.  (We have no idea what, but We hope it involves Daniel Radcliffe and Johny Depp.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.