Up, up, and away

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Thursday, February 21th, 2013.  So, didja miss Us?  We had a jam-packed  and fun-filled day yesterday, and We were much too busy to e-pisstlize about Our e-xploits.  We started with a morning meeting about a show We shall be directing in March; more on that story as it develops.

(It occurs to Us, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) that We were exploring, for a while there, what appeared to be Our comfortable niche in Legitimate Theatre Creation: the monologue/solo work.  Then the organization under whose aegis (gesundheit (thank you)) We had been doing so abandoned Us, Our Own Personal solo show tanked, and the whole thing hit an iceberg.  Perhaps We should re-examine this issue before they cart Us off to a home.)

Later in the day, We attended auditions for the dinner theatre murder mystery We wrote, whereupon We finally signed a contract and were handed A Lovely, Lovely Check.  We don’t know about you, but We Our Own Self Personally are rather partial to occasions on which We are handed Lovely, Lovely Checks.  They are so much nicer than Lovely, Lovely Plaids or Lovely, Lovely Paisleys.  (In fact, We are fairly certain that both “Lovely, Lovely Plaids” AND “Lovely, Lovely Paisleys” only work as sarcasm.  Whereas Lovely, Lovely Checks could function as a lifestyle.)

In birthday news, Happy Belated Birthday to Katie, who turned twenty-four yesterday, and also to Trish, who also turned twenty-four yesterday.  Funny how that happen, no?  Happy Birthday Today to Adam, who turns twenty-four today.  In, We are fairly certain, Italy, which would make this an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! historic first. Happy Birthday also to Ethan and to Barry, who also turn twenty-four today, albeit not, to the best of Our knowledge, in Italy.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Gin, who also also turns twenty-four today, also also not, presumably, in Italy, but who is named after Gin, and how cool is that?

You would think that, knowing all these twenty-four-year-olds, We would get laid more often.  You would be wrong.

When Lst We e-pisstlized on all y’all, it was the first day of Pisces, and We had just released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

We repeated that paragraph in its entirety from the other day because We are still pondering what exactly the “sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” euphemism might actually mean.  Sigh.

And here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Christopher Atkins’s birthday.  How blue is your lagoon?

Your emotions are all up in the air today (In Our beautiful, Our beautiful baLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN….)

(Sorry.)

(Speaking of The fifth Dimension, if Marilyn McCoo married Mister Magoo, she’d be Marilyn McCoo Magoo.)

(We were fairly certain you wouldn’t be able to make it through the rest of your day without know that.)

(We may have been mistaken.)

— but there’s nothing wrong with that!  (With what?)

It’s a good time for you to ask yourself what you really want  (So tell Us what you want, what you really, really want…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Old Spice.)

and to see if you can plot a path to that point.  (Always avoid alliteration.)

Instructions belong in a board game box — not in your romantic relationship.  (That is the stupidest thing We have ever heard.  Of COURSE Our romantic relationship needs instructions.  How the hell else are We gonna get the doll inflated?)

It’s important to do things your own way  (The Royal We totally thwarts One’s efforts to sing “My Way”.)

— and yes, that may include making your own mistakes.   (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were worng.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

If other people are giving you unwanted advice,  (Oh, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli…you done stepped in it now.)

thank them.  (Or some-verb them.  Very much.)

Then ignore them.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

They may have the very best intentions, (The Royal We does not interfere in the least with One’s efforts to sing “Highway to Hell”.)

but they are not you.  (Oh, please.  Some days, even We are not Us.  (Or is it “We are not We”?  (Or is it “We We We all the way home”?  (Mmmm….roast beef.))))

 Right now, you need to trust your intuition and follow your mood.  (Follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit wherever it grows.)

Do what feels right and be prepared to live with and grow from the consequences.  (Was that a fat joke?)

If you need to respond to those flirtatious emails or instant messages, (Does anyone actually still spell out “instant messages”?)

now is the time. (Well, now is A time, at any rate.)

In fact, you should get started first thing this morning  (Then how very, very brilliant of you to have waited till the very last sentence to tell Us this, thereby ensuring that the maximum quantity of morning has already passed.  AssHat.)

when communication of the light-hearted variety is strongly favored. (Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! : strongly favored communication of the light-hearted variety.  Now with thirty-seven percent fewer calories.  In regular or barbecue.)

(What?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I heard it through the GrapeNuts™

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayBroughtToYouByFritoLay™, January 27, 2012.  This is Our eighth consecutive day producing an e-pisode of Erix Daily Horoscope; We don’t usually do so many at a stretch without a Day Of Rest. (How many people read that as “EEE-piss-ode”, and then wondered what the hell is a “pissode”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)  If you cast your mind all the way back to last Friday, you will recall an appearance by Morgan  Freeman saying, “titty sprinkles”.  It was pretty much all downhill from there.

We just now noticed that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think “titty” is a word.   Sorry, str8 boi readers.

So we had absolutely nothing to share, and then OurMizDonna came to the rescue with the following instructional video about wrapping presents, which We feel compelled to share with you.  Those of you who know OurMizMarilyn could no doubt viZZZualize her playing Aunt Chippy:

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Speaking of meaningless statistics, We just noticed that, prior to today, We have so far mentioned Charlene Tilton in THIRTY-EIGHT e-pisodes of  this e-pistle.  And does she call?  Does she write/  Does she send an autographed eight-by-ten glossy of herself in her Dallas days, pulling down Christopher Atkins’s Speedo™?  No, she does not!  Why, the only person We’ve cited more than Ms. Tilton is Johnny Depp (65 e-pisodes), and We hear through the grapevine that he has ditched the bitch and is preparing to make the switch.  (How the hell do you hear anything through a grapevine?  Who makes up these stupid sayings, anyway.  (For those of you who enjoy imagining the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope, immediately after typing the preceding, We went to the top and put in today’s subject line lyric, changing “grapevine” to “GrapeNuts™”.  Which then made Us think, “Grapes don’t have nuts.  What the hell are grape nuts?” Just a little glimpse into how fascinating it is to be Us.))

Here’s the HorrorScope:

This is a terrible time to take on new projects (Thank you, Debbie Downer.)

— unless they are emergencies. (There’s a special room for those, no?)

Even then, try to take care of them as quickly as you can, letting yourself get back to routines as soon as possible.  (Wait…more than one routine?  Now We’re confused.)

Are you growing so impatient with someone (YES!!!)

that you’re just about to give them a piece of your mind? (Oh, no, ya don’t!  You’re not going to trick Us into giving away pieces of Our mind again.  The last time We did that, We wound up with practically no pieces left.)

Take a deep breath and stop yourself. (Hipsters Likes Us (hi, Chris!) would prefer to express that as “check yourself before you wreck yourself”.  KThxBye.)

You’ll have to watch out for frustration right now — it could make you say things in the heat of the moment that you will really regret later. (Also, you should probably avoid defenestration as well. (We shall pause here (politely) to give those of you who are unfamiliar with defenestration to go look it up.  But don’t think We’re gonna wait around while you use it three times in a sentence.  That word is OURS.))

When your temper flares, there is no going back. (And you should see what happens when Our temper bellbottoms.)

Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a fag.)

this person is completely unaware that you are upset right now, so it is up to you to let them know. (Yes, We are very shy about sharing Our feelings.)

Be clear and polite, and tell them what you need.  (Winning.  PowerBall™. Ticket.)

Dreams hold secrets to how we really feel about someone special.  (If Our dreams get any more horrifying, We may never sleep again.)

Pay attention (Sorry…what?)

(How many times are you gonna set Us up for that joke?  Asshat.)

to plot lines, symbols and your mood during the dream. (Zzzzzzzzzzz…)

Write it down ASAP and analyze it with help from a dream dictionary. (Or possibly a nightmare thesaurus.  (What’s another word for synonym?))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThirtySomethingDay, January 12, 2012.  We don’t recall ever actually watching ThirtySomething, so We have nothing cogent to say about it, but it popped into Our heads, so there it is.  (Actually, We have nothing cogent to say about anything.  The nothing that We had the day before yesterday, added to the less-than-nothing We had yesterday, is a whole big pile of Something compared to the nothingness of today’s nothing.  Of course, We did manage to decide to pursue a career as a high school English teacher, so We suppose that’s something.  But not ThirtySomething.  Although hopefully EighteenSomething, or We shall wind up in the klink. (Colonel Hogan!!! (You knew to read that with a bad German accent, ja?))

So We just Googled ThirtySomething on Wikipedia.  There is absolutely nothing interesting about it.  So thanks for that dead-ended brain fart, The Universe.

In other news, We went out to dinner last night, and We were the only people in the restaurant.  (Well, the only people who didn’t work there.  It would not have been much of a dining experience without cooks and waiters.)  It was just like a scene from a soap opera, where restaurants all seem to have private dining rooms.  Apparently, real life can’t afford extras any more either.

See?  Nothing.

Before We continue, We should point out that, in Our never-ending desire to amuse and titillate all y’all, We have changed today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Justin Timberlake In Justin Bieber Just In Time For A Porn Convention no less than six times, before finally settling on the composition you see here, which is entitled Lemur Eating A Watermelon. You’re welcome.

Go watch this:

 Share it with all your friends:

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

And check out the other videos at: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Perhaps if We mention Christopher Atkins instead of Charlene Tilton…  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

Your creative ideas are coming quickly today — almost too quickly to record — so make sure that you’ve got good people around to help you make the most of this burst of inspiration!  (Gee.  If only someone were (subjunctively) writing this horoscope down.)

No one is standing in your way anymore (Why, then, does the sun continue to be eclipsed?)

— it’s just you in charge of your life, (Well, THAT’LL never work.)

and it’s time you realized that you have more power than you have ever had before. (Indeed so.  We get the private dining room without even asking for it.)

This could be a frightening realization for you, (BOO!)

but if you are afraid of anything, you should fear inaction the most. (So We should do something about that then, yes?)

Push forward in a major way in at least one area of your life today. (Ya know, ya say that, and then the next thing ya know, We’re doing the Hokey-Pokey, and shaking it all about. And trust Us, no one wants to see that.)

 Make a change that you never felt you could make before, and you will get a taste of what’s possible.  (It will, no doubt, taste just like chicken.)

Romance can sneak up on you when you least expect it. (So can the Spanish Inquisition.  We always get those two confused.)

So always be ready for Cupid to strike. (Oh, yes, indeed.  Our life is always chock full of Cupid stunts.)

Look your best (Good luck with that.)

even when heading out to the grocery store. (Oddly enough, that is exactly what is on Our agenda after this.)

Get ready to flirt!  (At the Ack-A-Me?  Are you kidding Us?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

It was fiesta, and I had the clap

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Muncie, Indiana, Jones, July 25, 2011.  Happy birthday to anyone whose birthday We missed over the weekend, and to anyone who is birthdating today.  We are back at the villa in Tuscany, having spent the weekend family reunionating (and, apparently, making up verbs) in lovely York, Pennsylvania. The black cloud that follows Us throughout Our daily existence appears to have enveloped the entire sky, and is commencing to thunder down showers upon one of the only three days We have to luxurianate poolside. The buff blond lifeguard arrived, only to be dismissed by his manager, who clearly did not hear Us calling from the verandah “have him stripped, washed, and brought to Our tent!”  Le sigh.

But the big story on Ashcan News is that over the weekend, We moved from Cancer into Leo, which means (A.) a gratuitous Leonardo DiCaprio reference, and (2.) a new Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video:

In other news, ticket sales have gone live for Himself’s hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage in this fall’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival. You will no doubt hear more about this epic as the weeks go by, but here is where said tickets can be obtained: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

We have just been informed that it is National Tequila Day.  So now We are informing you.  You’re welcome.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: We just realized that the buff blond lifeguard looks exactly like Christopher Atkins in his Blue Lagoon period. (See what We did there?  You were expecting Us to say something disgusting, like Rick Santorum.  And We didn’t.  Fooled you.) Alternatively, the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a byproduct of anal sex.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You are full of social energy today (To say nothing of social diseases.)

 — though it might manifest itself in arguments and interruptions. (Isn’t there some old joke about an interrupted argument?  (It is apparently so old that even We cannot remember it.  Although We are pretty sure it is a knock-knock joke.))

(Does Our fat ass make Our ass look fat?)

As long as you can keep it fun, that should be just fine with those around you! (Then We promise to keep it the funnest fun that ever funned.)

  It’s time for you to step in (Poo?)

(Perhaps for Our next children’s book We shall write a sequel to Dr. Seuss’s Hop On Pop  entitled Step In Poo. Children LOVE poo.)

and help out a friend or coworker who may be struggling on a high-profile task. (We have no coworkers.  Because We have no cows that need to be orked.)

Nothing will make you feel better than sharing your ideas and suggestions on how they can make things work better. (We dunno ‘bout you, but on Our list of Things That Make Us Feel Better, “sharing ideas and suggestions” doesn’t even crack the top ten.)

You will be amazed at how open-minded (We left Our mind open once.  Everything fell out of it.)

 and willing they are to hear what you have to say, (Sorry…what?)

and this could be a turning point for the two of you. (Alternatively, it could be a tuning fork.  You just never know.)

Together, you can elevate the energy levels and push beyond any political obstacle. (That sounds like an awful lot of work.)

Before asking someone out, make sure you’re actually clear to do so. (Well, the buff blond lifeguard obviously has his day free…)

Misunderstandings can happen in no time flat if you aren’t paying close attention to body language and other, even subtler, signals. (And We are All. About.  The suBtler.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.