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Monday, July 25, 2011

It was fiesta, and I had the clap

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Muncie, Indiana, Jones, July 25, 2011.  Happy birthday to anyone whose birthday We missed over the weekend, and to anyone who is birthdating today.  We are back at the villa in Tuscany, having spent the weekend family reunionating (and, apparently, making up verbs) in lovely York, Pennsylvania. The black cloud that follows Us throughout Our daily existence appears to have enveloped the entire sky, and is commencing to thunder down showers upon one of the only three days We have to luxurianate poolside. The buff blond lifeguard arrived, only to be dismissed by his manager, who clearly did not hear Us calling from the verandah “have him stripped, washed, and brought to Our tent!”  Le sigh.

But the big story on Ashcan News is that over the weekend, We moved from Cancer into Leo, which means (A.) a gratuitous Leonardo DiCaprio reference, and (2.) a new Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video:

In other news, ticket sales have gone live for Himself’s hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage in this fall’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival. You will no doubt hear more about this epic as the weeks go by, but here is where said tickets can be obtained:

We have just been informed that it is National Tequila Day.  So now We are informing you.  You’re welcome.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: We just realized that the buff blond lifeguard looks exactly like Christopher Atkins in his Blue Lagoon period. (See what We did there?  You were expecting Us to say something disgusting, like Rick Santorum.  And We didn’t.  Fooled you.) Alternatively, the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a byproduct of anal sex.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You are full of social energy today (To say nothing of social diseases.)
 — though it might manifest itself in arguments and interruptions. (Isn’t there some old joke about an interrupted argument?  (It is apparently so old that even We cannot remember it.  Although We are pretty sure it is a knock-knock joke.))
(Does Our fat ass make Our ass look fat?)
As long as you can keep it fun, that should be just fine with those around you! (Then We promise to keep it the funnest fun that ever funned.)
  It’s time for you to step in (Poo?)
(Perhaps for Our next children’s book We shall write a sequel to Dr. Seuss’s Hop On Pop  entitled Step In Poo. Children LOVE poo.)
and help out a friend or coworker who may be struggling on a high-profile task. (We have no coworkers.  Because We have no cows that need to be orked.)
Nothing will make you feel better than sharing your ideas and suggestions on how they can make things work better. (We dunno ‘bout you, but on Our list of Things That Make Us Feel Better, “sharing ideas and suggestions” doesn’t even crack the top ten.)
You will be amazed at how open-minded (We left Our mind open once.  Everything fell out of it.)
 and willing they are to hear what you have to say, (Sorry…what?)
and this could be a turning point for the two of you. (Alternatively, it could be a tuning fork.  You just never know.)
Together, you can elevate the energy levels and push beyond any political obstacle. (That sounds like an awful lot of work.)
Before asking someone out, make sure you’re actually clear to do so. (Well, the buff blond lifeguard obviously has his day free…)
Misunderstandings can happen in no time flat if you aren’t paying close attention to body language and other, even subtler, signals. (And We are All. About.  The suBtler.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.