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Monday, July 18, 2011

I’m a mess without my little China girl

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Crocodile Mundee, July 18, 2011.  We trust you all had a lovely weekend.  You obviously had it far away from Us.  Meanwhile, happy birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today, and to Ted, who, coincidentally, also turns twenty-four today.  Neither of them, of course, is reading this, because We have yet to figger out a way to consolidate all of Our efforts, make the Erix Daily Horoscope experience as user-friendly as possible for Our Gentle Readers, and achieve world domination.

(Ooops.  We weren’t supposed to say that last part out loud. But, really, can you think of a better World Dominatrix than Yours Truly?  We can’t.)

Speaking of the World Dominoes Championship Tournament, here is a video of the winning move:  

In an unprecedented act of selflessness (seriously!)  here at Erix Daily Horoscope, We are about to recommend to you the work of a fellow Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist).  What can We tell you about AstroGeek?  He knows where Uranus is, and he knows how to use it.  He is much more detail-oriented in his approach than We Our Own Self Personally are, and his prognostications include, in addition to a comprehensive discussion of major planetary activity, an analysis of every minor planetoid, asteroid, and hemorrhoid that circles Uranus.  Plus, he is a big fan of Ours, so he is clearly BRILLiant.  Check him out here:

In other news, ticket sales have gone live for Himself’s hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage in this fall’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  You will no doubt hear more about this epic as the weeks go by, but here is where said tickets can be obtained:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Paula Deen gets a bikini wax.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’re not feeling quite as energetic as usual today (If We are feeling any less energetic than We usually feel, We are clearly dead.  In lieu of flowers, please send the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swimming Team.)

— and it seems that quite a bit of the energy you do have is taken up helping others with their own needs.  (We haven’t seen any “others” in days.)

There’s nothing wrong with earning good karma!  (Karma-coated popcorn, penis enterprise…that’s what you get in Crackerjack™!)

(Our mind may have just actually snapped. (Snap! Clackle! Pop! Lice Klispies! (Yep…Chinese cereal commercials…that’s a tell-tale sign.)))

Your ability to tell the difference between a major problem and a trivial matter is not terribly strong right now, (We can’t even tell the difference between Tom Hanks and Michael Keaton.)

(Random brain farts…tell-tale sign Number Two.  (Heh…We said “Number Two”.  (Poop jokes are NOT a sign, tell-tale or otherwise.)))

so avoid making big commitments (You all heard the lady…don’t be trying to commit Us.)

or major decisions, especially if they have anything to do with your finances. (The financial equivalent of the sound of one hand clapping is one nickel rubbing together. (That was a little existential humor, for Our Zen Buddhist Readers.  (Confidential note to Our Zen Buddhist reader in China:  Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter tells Us whether you’re reading or not.  We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We know if you’ve been bad or good, and exACTly what you did with the left-over duck sauce.)))

Your confusion could cause you to throw money around in an ineffective way, (One can really only be but so effective with one nickel.  Just sayin’.)

and you’ll end up worse off than you were before. (So far, We’re impoverished, dead, and in a mental institution.  What’s next, The heartbreak Of Psoriasis?)

There’s a chance that any issues that pop (Snap! Clackle! Pop!...oh, wait; We said that already. (Chinese jokes…half an hour later, you want to tell another one.))

(Apropos of nothing, We have been watching Johnny Depp in the first season of 21 Jump Street. Ah, the 80s!  We miss mousse abuse. (Miss Mousse Abuse was, of course, a drag name We rejected.  (Wait’ll ya hear the one We chose.))

up today will sort themselves out if you give them time.  (Oh, was that all in the middle of one of Kelli’s life sentences?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

For real problems, you need real solutions — not just good ideas. (But wouldn’t having a real solution BE a good idea?  We’re so confused.)

 Take a good look at your love life (Trust Us…looking at this one nickel is much more interesting.)

— is this what you want, or do you require something more? (Wait…there are choices?  Like a Chinese menu?  Wang Hung Lo, Cream of Sum Yung Gai…)

Dive deep (That’s what she said.)

and be honest with yourself. (Good thinkin’, Abe Lincoln.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.