Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fried Egg Friday Frito Lay Fay Wray, July 1th, 2011. We have recovered from yesterday’s malaise. That’s the power of Pine Sol™, Bay-Bee. Also the power of a most excellent rehearsal. This show is gonna be hotter than a half-fucked fox in a forest fire. (We cannot claim to have invented that saying; We stole it from the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning. But We do seem to have encountered it before…can anyone tell Us if it occurs in some piece of litter-chore We might have encountered in Our cultural travels?)
So Happy Canada Day to Our Canadian readers, eh? And Happy Canada Dry™ to the rest of you, because, hey, it’s Happy Hour somewhere, no? Also, Happy Birthday to Our many WorldWideInterWebNetzian friends who are turning twenty-four today, and tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday, most notably Ryan, Jennifer, and Tom Cruise. (Say it with Us, Gentle Reader MizJill: “Tom Cruise is one fucked-up motherfucker.”) We apparently know very few people born early in Cancer, but, as We near the middle of the sign, babies are flying out of cooters like litters of puppies. What the hell is nine months before the 4th of July, anyway?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, litters of puppies in oceans of cooters…these are a few of Our favorite things…ah, The Sound of Muzak, The Sound of Muzak! If you look backstage, the nuns and the Nazis are all the same people.
So if We know all these Cancer babies, you must know a lot of ‘em too…why not make their birthdays extra-special by sending them Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video, which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM ? That’s what friends are for. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Dionne Warwick. (Oh, yes, We are…We’re psychic.))
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…Prince Harry’s lemur impression. Or, barring that, The HorrorScope:
(Micro$oft Weird™ is objecting to “Harry’s”…how the hell else would it like Us to indicate the possessive form of “Harry”? Perhaps a little song in his honor, from the one and only (thank god) Carmen Miranda:
Your emotional side is in some serious disrepair — but today is the day to fix it up! (Suddenly, We feel exactly like an episode of This Old House.)
You should be at your best handling old traumas and healing old relationships, so get to it ASAP! (Who you callin’ old? Just because today’s celebrities are Fay Wray, Dionne Warwick, Carmen Miranda, and Tom Cruise…We know who Justin Bieber is! And We own TWO Katy Perry records…or are they eight-track tapes? AND We know that the middle Jonas Brother is the gay one. (That was Brother Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction…(STOP THAT! We do NOT need to mention Bea Benaderet. (DAMMIT!))))
There are some outdated ideas (Watch it, Bee-Yotch.)
or habits that are holding you back right now, and today they will create a conflict between the way your life is now and the way you want it to be in, say, five years. (Five years? FIVE YEARS?!? Why, We’ll be Carmen Miranda’s grandmother by then!)
There’s no need to make a big decision about things right away, (We’ll decide that for Our Own Self. (Heh. See what We did there?))
but you will need to be prepared to make a sacrifice when the time comes. (Fine…send Us a virgin. Oh, look: Justin Bieber!)
Don’t worry, though — it should be obvious what you need to leave behind — it’s the least important element of your life right now. (Poverty? Chastity? Sanity?)
Dig up an old family recipe and cook yourself a sweet taste of home. (Does Our fat ass make Our ass look fat?)
Don’t be too shocked if the aroma convinces a cute neighbor to stop by. (Clearly, you have not seen where We live.)
Make sure you invite them in! (Why? Do they do housework?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.