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Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Their house is a museum where people come to see 'em…they really are a scree-um


 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, July 5, 2011.  Greetings from Casa de Crackpot, where We have been up since The Dawn’s Early Light.  Not to mention The Rockettes’ Red Hair, The Old Frigidaire, Made Poop In the Night, Then We Shagged Fred Astaire.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Christina Aguilera.) And by “up since The Dawn’s Early Light”, We mean 4AM, when We sat bolt upright next to Himself in bed, having just had a dream with a Very Special Guest Appearance by Betty White.  She was wearing purple lipstick, which matched her purple outfit, and she either was, or was playing the role of, a receptionist at a radio station.  The plot of said dream revolved around the fact that neither Betty nor We could discover where the station’s music output was coming from.  Exciting, no?  Zzzzzz….

So We trust YouAll had a Festive Fourth, possibly involving a fifth. (It just occurred to Us that We had absolutely no idea why a fifth is called a fifth.  Turns out, 750 ml is approximately a fifth of a gallon.  Which is every bit as boring as Betty White’s radio station.)

Speaking of boring, We are currently being bored by the concept of being dropped like the proverbial Hot Potato by people for no discernible reason whatsoever. Unless We are somehow committing atrocities while sleepwalking, how exactly do We suddenly become persona au gratin, unworthy of having Our phone calls returned? We don’t get it.  (Even Betty White just paused for station identification.)

In equally boring news, could someone please have the courtesy to inform Us as to why everyone is so resoundingly ignoring Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ?  (Betty White just started playing Lawrence Welk’s Greatest Hit.)

Okay, YouPeople are no fun; here’s Ian Somerhalder’s left testicle.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Avoid the temptation to rush ahead — you need to make sure that you’re getting it all done right today. (What makes you imagine that We will be getting it done at all?)

Details really matter, (As do deheads.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

so there’s no excuse for rushing past them in the hope that someone else will deal.  (Any hope that “someone else” will do anything is generally futile.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is calling the preceding a sentence fragment.  However, We went to Catholic school, so We know that We can reduce it to its simplest subject-predicate parts and demonstrate its inherent sentencehood.  To wit, “hope is futile”.  See?  Perfectly legitimate sentence.  (Also, oddly enough, perfectly accurate description of Catholic school.))

Things are really starting to come together in a relationship (Yes, indeedy-do, they are! Why, the number of unreturned phone calls, texts, and smoke signals must be nearing triple digits. So We’re guessing We didn’t exactly land that paying gig in August, eh?)

— trust is at an all-time high, and this bodes well for building stronger foundations for growth. (Oh, please.  With the growth We’ve got going on here, We need stronger foundation GARMENTS.)

This is just a beginning phase, so be prepared to take things more slowly than you may want to. (How much slower can We get?)

(Apropos of nothing, why do We keep getting emails that want Us to buy a forklift?  Is that a fat joke of some sort?)

Your positive momentum (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

 will carry over into other areas of your life — including an unpredictable family relationship. (She’s my sister, she’s my daughter, she’s my sister AND my daughter.  (We love the smell of Faye Dunaway in the morning.))

A wave of growing confidence (Not to be confused with nausea.)

will give you a taste for competition, so keep an eye out for a chance to prove yourself.  (What’s that old joke about the hooker with the glass eye?)

Your inner nerd is out in force now, so surround yourself with like-minded people soon. (Nerds are HAWTT!)

You find the brainiest stimulation at a museum tonight, so geek out and look out for others like you.  (So, wait…you’re saying there are other people like Us, but they keep them in a museum?)

 You never know! (NOW you tell Us.  You could have just replaced this entire stupid horoscope with those three words.  “You never know.”   You’re just the fucking Oracle of Delta Phi, ain’t’cha, Kelli?  Stupid asshatted cow.)



(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.