Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mundane, July 11, 2011. Happy birthday to Our MizMaryPat, who turns twenty-four today. Here at Casa de CrustyCulottes, We spent a very low-key weekend hanging out with a few folks with whom We rarely hang out. (“Folks”? “Hang out”? Kiss Us quick, We’re Joan Baez.) Which was lovely, because We were beginning to fear that We were becoming agoraphobic. Which was simultaneously making Us wonder whether the fear of becoming agoraphobic is agoraphobicphobia, or agoraphobiaphobia, and whether the fear of sweaters is angoraphobia. Because We’re funny that way. Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: from this angle, it really DOES look like a brown starfish”. With a little Minnehaha thrown in. But never in Minnesota.
What were We talking about, Ducks? We’ve got no idea. So in addition to Our other trials and tribulations, We have now shamed Ourself even further by becoming morbidly addicted to the most heinous WorldWideInterWebNetzian game. It is so appalling that One cannot even begin to describe it, and it is just as if some evil crack dealer whom We shall call Tashawnda had laced Our very keyboard with crack. Sigh.
And in still other news, We received an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) email yesterday with the subject line “Uranus Goes Retrograde”. You bet it does, Bay-Bee, and you don’t know the half of it.
Speaking of Uranus, why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us. And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend. Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM
Our Google Statistic-O-Meter tells Us that, as you wait with bated breath for this installment of Erix Daily Horoscope, you are perusing Friday’s episode, as well as, for some reason, this one: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/04/one-ball-more-another-day-another.html We are fascinated.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Margaret Hamilton’s granny panties. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Push yourself forward somewhat (Do they sell WonderBras™ for your ass?)
(Well, it wasn’t actually a COMPLETE non sequitur.)
(You’re no bunny till some bunny dusts you.)
— you need to explore your environment more. (Not really.)
It’s a really good day for adventures and good times, (Dyn-O-Mite!)
(The chirren are all scratchin’ they itty-bitty heads.)
so make sure that you’re making the most of your great energy. (Yeah, okay, whatever. It just occurred to Us that today’s celebrities, so far, are Joan Baez and Margaret Hamilton. Which totally sounds like the beginning of some “walk into a bar” joke. If We were (subjunctively) a lesbian stand-up comedian.)
Today you will wake up with a lot of energy and will probably want to hit the ground running! (Not so much. We’d be happy to go back to bed and try again, though.)
But to be safe, (And you know what They say: Better strafed than smarmy. (WHY does anybody listen to Them? They say such stupid things.))
you should hold off until later in the day before charging ahead. (Alrighty, then.)
Conserve your energy, (Where is all this energy she keeps asshatting on about?)
and play this day out in a smart way. (Hmmm…perhaps We shall trade it for Twinkies™.)
Be calm, cool and collected. (Be dumb, drool, and defective.)
If you just bust out of the gate, (Exsqueeze Us?)
arms flailing, (We? Do not flail. We frequently fail, but We never flail.)
you will scare people with your erratic energy. (Oh, great. Now not only do We have this alleged energy that We don’t have, it’s scaring people.)
Other people need time to prepare for your eagerness, (Yes. Yes, they do. And We need time to prepare for their Eagle Scouts. Because We? Are going to Earn. Our. Merit. Badge.)
(Oh, get your mindz out da gutter. We were talking about rubbing two dicks together to make a fire. Er, sticks. We meant sticks. Yeah, that’s it. Sticks.)
and you can afford to give them that time. (We are so poor, We cannot even afford to pay attention.)
Now is the best time for you to have that big talk. (Why? Did somebody not know that Joan Baez and Margaret Hamilton were lesbians?)
It’s easier than ever to be frank and open, (Frank who? Anne Frank? She’s in the attic!)
but do try to avoid crossing any lines. (Especially if you are coloring.)
(Coloring books for grown-ups…another idea whose time has not come.)
Be respectful of others’ feelings when you say things that are probably difficult to hear. (Which brings Us to these words of wisdom from Our Dilbert calendar: Never put time into an activity that has no potential benefit. For example, why bother putting on makeup if you’re going to wear that hideous outfit? That’s like knitting a sweater for a dead squirrel.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.