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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Cat scratch fever

 Edited to add:  check THIS out!  We are the featured subject of today's Philly Fringe blog:

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenchday, July 6, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to AllOfYou.  Here at Casa de Chlamydia, We started Hump Day a little early.  At 3AM, to be exact.  Not that We were humping, mind you.  (But then, you knew that.  Unless you are the newest newbie that ever newbed. (Hmmm…Micro$oft Weird™ accepts “newbie” as word, but not “newbed”, which, no matter how much We pronounce it as “NOOb’d” in Our head, insists on parsing itself into “new  bed”.))  But We were awake from 3 to at least 6AM.  Unlike yesterday, however, We did ultimately go back to sleep.  The only difference between the two days?  That bitch Betty White.

Being well-rested when We finally arose, We were contemplating alternative means of accomplishing something at which We have been being thwarted by an appalling lack of consideration for Our Own Self as The Center Of The Universe when the old saying “there’s more than one way to skin a cat” occurred to Us.  Never One to accept such sayings at face value, it further occurred to Us that, actually, one way was probably more than sufficient, and why the hell would We want to skin a cat, anyway?  First off, this activity would no doubt piss off the cat, then, even if you were successful, all you’d have is a pile of cat skin and a pile of dead cat, and really, what’s the point of that, unless you run a Chinese restaurant?

Having had all of these scintillatingly brilliant thoughts before even consuming Our morning green tea, We then began reading email.  What kind of day can it possibly turn out to be when the Urban Word Of The Day is:

July 6: fuck
1. The universally recognized "F word" 
2. N. Implying complete and utter confusion 
3. N. a really stupid person 
4. V. To procreate 
5. adj. Can be used to modify any word for more passion 
6. Int. Expresses disgust 
7. Int. Expresses complete surprise and joy 
8. adv. Can be used to make a command more urgent
1. I do not accept the "F word" as your name 
2. What in the fuck? 
3. You stupid fuck! 
4. I suggest we go fuck in your mother’s bed while eating crackers and petting a cat named Mittens! 
5. This fucking guy was so fucking weird. He asked me if I was fucking insane. 
6. Aw, FUCK!! 
7. Holy fuck! You guys rock! 
8. Just fucking jump before I fucking kick you in the balls!
Needless to say, and yet promptly saying it anyway, if that is the Word Of The Day, We don’t expect We’ll get too many cats skinned.  Somebody’s soup is gonna be shy a won ton or two.

Meanwhile, We have left the following paragraph from yesterday intact, as no one saw fit to address it.  (Thank you, however, to those of you who commiserated with Us in Our perplexity at being resoundingly ignored.):

In equally boring news, could someone please have the courtesy to inform Us as to why everyone is so resoundingly ignoring Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video  ? 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Shia LaBeouf’s buttocks.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Try not to make any sudden moves today (Indeed not.  You might startle the cat.  And then you’ll never get it skinned.  And THEN what will you stuff your steamed dumplings with?)

(Do vegetarians say “there’s more than one way to skin a cat”?  Because “there’s more than one way to peel a carrot” isn’t nearly as pithy.  Carrots being, ya know, relatively inanimate, and all.  Especially when compared with cats.  Particularly cats facing an imminent skinning.)

— accidents will be all too frequent for now, (That’s why We’re wearing Depends™.)

and you can mitigate the worst effects as long as you proceed at a judicious pace.  (Is it just Us, or does “Judicious Pace” sound like a character from some novel by some Victorian lady novelist that pretentious people pretend doesn’t suck?  “Judicious Pace lowered another log onto the fire as he pondered his response to the vicar’s inquiry.” (This book is boring Us already.))

Slow and steady wins the race.  (Perhaps.  But only if you’re racing with really stupid people.  Generally, FAST wins a race.  Just sayin’.)

Mixing business with romantic networking happens all the time, (Especially in a whorehouse.)

and you have someone in your mental file cabinet  (Then We ought to let him out, no?  Meanwhile, is it a metal mental file cabinet?  (Actually, We do have a mental file cabinet.  Which may or may not be metal.  Unfortunately, all it contains is a record of every stupid and/or humiliating thing We have ever done.  It pops open from time to time and starts spewing its contents, usually when We have just done something particularly stupid and/or humiliating, just in case We’re not already feeling bad enough.))

who may have an opportunity for you right now. (And you should see that Opportunity’s Knockers!)

(Opportunity Knockers is, of course, Judicious Pace’s bastard cousin, the dipsomaniac.)

 Be proactive, like the experts say, (Alternatively, be grammatical, AS the experts say.  Asshat.)

and push forward (Really?)

to build this casual contact into a real connection. (Why do We feel as though this paragraph should contain an “always wear a condom” warning?)

Building this relationship could pay off in a very big way — your life may be sent into a new direction. (We can see it now:  Catskinning Champion Of The Known Universe!  (Or at least Chinatown.))

Show them you have what it takes, (A really sharp knife?)

but try not to come on too strong. (Oh, please.  Nobdoy likes a wimpy catskinner.)

(Wimpy Catskinner is, as you will have no doubt surmised, Judicious Pace’s somewhat mentally challenged manservant, who is, unbeknownst to the parsimonious Mister Pace, having a clandestine affair with Opportunity Knockers.)

(This book practically writes itself.  Like most of Dickens.)

 Lead with your personality (Which one?)

 and just be yourself. (And again We say, which one?)

Is your dating profile up-to-date? (Oh, please. The last time We had a date, our boys were in Korea.  Ike was in Mamie.)

 Better, does it really reflect your true nature? (Or your true colors?  Or your fine washables?)

 Now is the best time to switch in a new pic, (Presumably of someone else.  Possibly Opportunity Knockers.  Prior, of course, to the ravages of consumption.)

spruce up the written description (Lie.)

or just tear it all down and build a new one from scratch. (Because there’s more than one way…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.