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Friday, July 8, 2011

And you’re still standing stuck in the stuff on the steps


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, July 8, 2011.  Happy belated birthdays to Tracie and Shaun Jacob JingleHeimer Schmidt, both of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.  Not to mention Chrome BruLay.  (No, really…don’t mention her.  She hates that.)   We apologize for being in absentia yesterday, but We were off with Himself touring the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3, which will be the site of Himself’s next public atrocity.  Many of you probably missed Our late-in-the-day edit of Wenchday’s HorrorScope, in which We noted that said upcoming public atrocity was the subject of the Philly Fringe’s Blog Du Jour, which We ass-ume (thereby vacuuming Uma Thurman’s ass) that you can still ReadAllAbout here:

And while you’re busy ReadingAllAbout things, pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video  

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Keanu Reeves’ anal warts.  (Hey, into every life a little rain must fall.  Also, it’s always darkest before Tony Orlando and Dawn, and it’s all fun and games till somebody comes in your eye.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Sure, you’ve got needs — we all do — but for now you need to let them rest while you help someone else who’s in trouble. (Here’s a coat hanger.  Next!)

It may be a family member or a coworker, but your selfless energy is much appreciated.  (On the other hand, she wore a glove.  Also, Our seamless apathy is much more fun.  And girls?  Just wanna have fun.)

Today you will be feeding off the energy of the people around you and getting all the attention you’ve been craving. (Lovely.  Peel Us a grape.)

 You are going to be in the thick of things, (Was that a fat joke?)

right in the middle of all the action. (That would be, naturally, the Uma Thurman ass-vacuuming action.  (Is she still married to Ethan Hawke?  (Was she EVER married to Ethan Hawke?  Or did We just make that up out of whole cloth? (And what the hell does “whole cloth” mean, anyhow?))))

(And right away We give you the answer:  )

(Like sandpaper on your anal warts, these are the Days of Our Lives.)

Other, less connected people might be envious of your position, (Flat on Our back with Our legs in the air?)

so try not to rub their faces in it (Heh.)

— be sensitive to the outsiders who don’t really know what’s going on. (Fuck ‘em. They sandpapered Our anal warts.)

You might be called upon to act as a translator, (Voulez vous couches avec moi, Ethan Hawke?)

notifying people what they need to know when they need to know it.  (But only on a need-to-know basis.)

Someone is likely asking you to defend yourself in some way. (Good thing We took that Jew Shiatsu course. (Jew Shiatsu is, of course, like jiu jitsu, only less time consuming to learn.  Plus, there are excellent bagels.))

Though conflict is never your idea of a good time, (Have you met Us?)

don’t let this get you off  (We never do.)

course. (Or that.)

Calmly explain without getting too emotional. (WHADDAYA MEAN, TOO EMOTIONAL?!?)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

The problem is minor, and blows over quickly. (Is it just Us, or did that sound like a euphemism for “has a small dick, and is plagued with premature ejaculation?  Just Us? Alrighty, then.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.