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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Beach Baby, Beach Baby, there on the sand

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurston Howell the Third, July 21, 2011.  Happy birthday to anybody whose birthday it is; We have repaired to Our villa in Tuscany to beat the heat, and haven’t Our notes with Us.  There are rumors that Ye Olde Swimming Hole here has acquired a buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion; more on that story as it develops.

Speaking of developing stories, here is a video on the subject of post-pubertal development in members (heh) of the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team. Complete with Bar Graphs.  And Pie Charts.  (Oh, get your minds out of the gutter; you’re crowding out Ours. (Meanwhile, We were going to say “Venn Diagram”, but We couldn’t figger out any way to make that sound dirty.)):

Speaking of Uranus (We were speaking of Uranus, weren’t We?), the tonguebath between Us and Our favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) (other than Us) continues apace.  You can check his prognostications out here; tell him Starzina sent you:

Micro$oft Weird™ appears not to have heard the word “tonguebath” before; clearly, it has not seen Us in the vicinity of any buff blond lifeguards of the male persuasion.

In other news, ticket sales have gone live for Himself’s hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage in this fall’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival. You will no doubt hear more about this epic as the weeks go by, but here is where said tickets can be obtained:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the lost porn films of Richard Nixon. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Try to range out a little further than usual today — you need to explore new territory if you want to feel right about the day!  (We are in Tuscany.  How much further should W e go?  Uranus?)

(Erix Daily Horoscope: living proof that Uranus jokes never get old.)

Your urge to discover new things is rewarded richly.  (Did We mention the buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion?)

Many different people are pushing you for action right now, and it might be in your best interest to make them happy. (They are already “different”, and now they want to be happy too?  Pushy wankers.)

 They are not as concerned with the quality of your work (Good.)

 as they are with simply seeing you do something right away, (How about someONE?)

so there’s no reason to put any pressure on yourself.  (And again We say, good.)

There is no wrong answer here (Seventy-nine point three two?)

 — any efforts you make will be appreciated.  (Likewise effarts.  Which are, of course, efforts made in farting.)

This is a win-win situation for you, so let go of the tension you may be feeling.  (So wait…the buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion is also a masseur?  This day is just looking better and better.)

Just go for it!  (Dykes!  On bikes!  In Nikes™!)

Your enthusiasm (Say what?)

about dating does a lot of good for your overall romantic outlook. (We just outllooked the window to Ye Olde Swimming Hole, but buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion  has not yet arrived.)

You need some serious positive thinking — especially if you’ve had your heart broken in the last year or so. (How can you mend a broken heart?  How can you stop the rain from falling down? (Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad. (Didja know that, if you Google “too bad so sad anal sex with your dad” on Wikipedia, Erix Daily Horoscope is the only thing you find?  So much for Our efforts to add a colourful phrase to the common vernacular.)))

 If you expect the best, it’s likelier to come to pass.  (We were on a roll (a Kaiser roll, if you msut know) until We were derailed by the fact that, when you look at it, “likelier” doesn’t look at all like an actual word.)

(Buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.