Some people sit on their butts

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManicuristManiacallyManhandlingManchurianManateesMonday,  January Fiveth, 2015.

Happy Birthday to Travis, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the far-flung suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy Birthday also to Ken, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  (Which sounds frightening, until you consider, say, Peoria, where they have a statue erected to Hamburger Helper™ in the town square.)

(Heh…she said “erected”.  (Also, “Peoria”.))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Alex, and Anna, and Isa, and Michael, and Peterson, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

We were going to say something about “Happy First Day Back To Work After The Holidays” to the rest of you, and express Our concern over how difficult that must be, but then Our celebrity birthday website told Us that it is Pamela Sue Martin’s birthday, so you probably all have the day off.  Lucky you.

Speaking of luck, We Our Own Self Personally are concerned that, although We ate Our sauerkraut for good luck in the year ahead on New Year’s Day, We did not get around to cooking (and eating) Our black-eyed peas until yesterday.  We shall keep you posted on how Our luck is affected.

Speaking of speaking of things, speaking of the holidays being over, so are Holidailies™, which, as near as We can tell, had little or no effect on Our Gentle Readership this year.  Although We did win a Best Of Holidailies™ Award  (which see):

 http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286

or go to the e-ntry directly here:

 http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html .

In other news, We have had the privilege of working with the award-winning team of Dan Martin/Michael Biello twice…please check out their latest amazing project here:

http://www.firstcomeslove.org/THE-VIDEO/The-Song-and-Book/1/

Speaking of The Gayz, here’s this:

Here is the link with which you may share Our Capricorn video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Capricorn video:

Upon reflection, these two videos are amongst Our much more densely-plotted cinematic efforts, due to the fact that Our director actually is a Capricorn (although quite unlike the unseen character from the videos).

We often ponder, in the endless time afforded to Us by the fact that We are almost universally ignored, how many of Our Gentle Readers actually realize that, if viewed in order, Our videos actually have ongoing plots and storylines.  Then, of course, We realize that Our Gentle Readers are all imaginary, and we curl up into the fetal position…

For example, if We were (subjunctively) to choose this e-pisstle to inform you that Our performance dates at the Murder Mystery Factory this month are Saturday, January 10^th and Friday, January 30^th, would anyone actually notice?  (If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?)

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: 

http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, in addition to Pamela Sue Martin’s birthday, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that it is web video star Kishen Tanna’s birthday.   And Our faithful Gentle Readers know what that means: Kishen Tanna’s birthday suit, aka “Kishen Tanna Naked”.  You’re welcome.

 (Does it occur to no one that We are a web video star of whom no one has ever heard?)

You need to get started on something new (Or something nude.  One of those.)

— but your energy may not seem up to the challenge. (Our energy needs an enema. (Insert “Chaka Khan’s chakras” joke here.))

Shake off that feeling (With Shake Weights™!)

and get the support you need to take things to the next level.  (Our Playtex™ Living Bra died…it’s so sad.)

Some aspect of work has followed you home this evening, (It’s afternoon…try to keep up, Bee-Yotch.)

and it’s not going to be lightly dismissed. (Personally, We’re fairly certain We could eat alphabet soup and poop a better horoscope than this.)

A good part of your mental energy  (Our who?)

will likely be going toward sorting out the aspects of the situation — or just worrying about it. (Should We be worried if We’re only worrying about it?  That’s worrisome.)

Meanwhile, family or friends are wondering where exactly your head’s at. (Suddenly We seem to have stumbled into Jayne Mansfield’s horoscope.)

(We’ll take “Fifty Year Old Pop Culture Jokes” for $500, Alex.)

At a certain point, it may be most fruitful to stop pretending to relax and go ahead and check your email or work on that project for an hour.  (And by all means, We certainly want to be “most fruitful”.  (If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be in the corner reciting Our multiplication tables.))

(The humor in here is as layered as an onion, as deep as Deepak Chopra, so multifaceted, so subtle…even We don’t get it…)

Those closest to you will appreciate your willingness to even out. (Oh, please.  We can’t even even out.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

And this is crazy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for HumpDay WinesDay,  October TwennyNinest, 2014.

It is, at least according to SitOnOurFaceBook, the birthday of absolutely no one whom We know.  Which always leaves Us feeling flummoxed as, this being a blog focused on ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation), We fear being left with nothing to talk about, or, worse, straying from the point.

So, in case you were so obtuse that you did not realize that Daniel Radcliffe is God, here’s this:

In other news, We had a rehearsal for two new actors at the Murder Mystery Factory last night.  Thank you, Jonathan, for showing up so We didn’t have to read all of the other parts.  More job for the money, that’s what We like to have. 

For those of you who are interested in seeing Us frut and stret Our hour upon the stage in this thing, other than this Saturday, which is already sold out, the only other date this month that We will be performing is Saturday, November 22^nd, so get at Us quickly if you would like tickets.

We read on the WorldWideInterWebNetz recently(and if We read it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, it MUST be true) that coffee grounds can help reduce dark circles under the eyes.  Being six months past Our twenty-fourth birthday (time being relative (have you met Our relatives?  At least one of them has done time. (See what We did there?))), We figgered We’d give it a try.  Unfortunately, We couldn’t figger out how to keep the coffee grounds in place for the recommended twenty minutes, nor could We keep still for same.

The same article also said that coffee grounds could be used to exfoliate the face and tighten the skin. As this sounded reasonable, and do-able, and as there is never any shortage of coffee grounds here at Casa de Over-Caffeinated Crackpot, We gave this a shot as well.  We’ve actually been doing it for a while now, and We’re seeing good results.  Our face is as smooth as Jonathan Lipnicki’s ass.

(Here is a recent picture of Jonathan Lipnicki, in case you are having difficulties imagining said smoothness:

(Please note:  this is NOT the same Jonathan that was mentioned earlier.  (If it (subjunctively) were, that would have been a  VERY different rehearsal.))

Speaking of penises (penii?), for the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to last week’s “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/because-im-tacky.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Fanny Brice’s birthday, reminding Us that there was a time in this country when it was acceptable to name a child after buttocks.  Unless you were in England, in which case you’d be naming her after a vagina.

It is also Eric Saade’s birthday.  Eric is a Swedish singer whose claim to fame is being the main other person whose pictures appear when HimSelf Googles his own name on Wikipedia without quotation marks. (What?  You never Google your own name on Wikipedia?)

And last but not Lee Strasberg, it is Winona Ryder’s birthday, which is as good a reason as any to re-share this:

Self-confidence may be in unusually short supply today, (Nervous is why…there’s new Soft-and-Dri™.)

but you can still make a real difference.  (A real difference?  As opposed to an imaginary difference?  Is an imaginary difference actually a thing, or is it just a longer way of saying the same?)

(Who needs drugs when you’ve got Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!?)

Fake it 'til you make it or just find someone close who truly believes in you.  (Sincerity…if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)

After dealing with someone else’s secrets lately,  (Wait…Secret™?  We thought We were plugging Soft-and-Dri™)

(HALP!  We’re trapped in a deodorant commercial!)

(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!...the armpit of the InterNetz.)

you’re all warmed up to deal with your own.  (Are you Sure™?)

Right?  (Guard™?)

(Okay…We’ll stop now.)

Well, if you’re not, the least you can do for yourself is to find someone you not only trust implicitly, but whose advice and counsel you know in your heart is solid. (Not roll-on?)

(Sorry.)

The tough part is you’re usually the person everyone else turns to for just those things.  (We don’t sweat it, though.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Someone had to teach you those traits, though. (Well, of course…We went to trait school.)

(That one’s gonna kind of sneak up on you.  Wait for it…THERE ya go!)

Call them.  (Maybe.)

(We’ll take “Outdated Pop Culture References” for $500, Alex.)

 Do your actions reflect your emotions?  (More importantly, do your fractions refract your cremations?)

(Don’t ask Us…We have no idea what it means.)

You care about how others see you, (Especially when We’re wearing The Cloak Of Invisibility.)

so make sure that you’re showing off your best possible side today. (We’re pretty sure this calls for another “Jonathan Lipnicki’s ass” reference.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.