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Monday, January 5, 2015

Some people sit on their butts

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManicuristManiacallyManhandlingManchurianManateesMonday,  January Fiveth, 2015.

Happy Birthday to Travis, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the far-flung suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy Birthday also to Ken, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  (Which sounds frightening, until you consider, say, Peoria, where they have a statue erected to Hamburger Helper™ in the town square.)

(Heh…she said “erected”.  (Also, “Peoria”.))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Alex, and Anna, and Isa, and Michael, and Peterson, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

We were going to say something about “Happy First Day Back To Work After The Holidays” to the rest of you, and express Our concern over how difficult that must be, but then Our celebrity birthday website told Us that it is Pamela Sue Martin’s birthday, so you probably all have the day off.  Lucky you.

Speaking of luck, We Our Own Self Personally are concerned that, although We ate Our sauerkraut for good luck in the year ahead on New Year’s Day, We did not get around to cooking (and eating) Our black-eyed peas until yesterday.  We shall keep you posted on how Our luck is affected.

Speaking of speaking of things, speaking of the holidays being over, so are Holidailies™, which, as near as We can tell, had little or no effect on Our Gentle Readership this year.  Although We did win a Best Of Holidailies™ Award  (which see):

or go to the e-ntry directly here:

In other news, We have had the privilege of working with the award-winning team of Dan Martin/Michael Biello twice…please check out their latest amazing project here:

Speaking of The Gayz, here’s this:

Here is the link with which you may share Our Capricorn video with both of your friends:

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Capricorn video:

Upon reflection, these two videos are amongst Our much more densely-plotted cinematic efforts, due to the fact that Our director actually is a Capricorn (although quite unlike the unseen character from the videos).

We often ponder, in the endless time afforded to Us by the fact that We are almost universally ignored, how many of Our Gentle Readers actually realize that, if viewed in order, Our videos actually have ongoing plots and storylines.  Then, of course, We realize that Our Gentle Readers are all imaginary, and we curl up into the fetal position…

For example, if We were (subjunctively) to choose this e-pisstle to inform you that Our performance dates at the Murder Mystery Factory this month are Saturday, January 10th and Friday, January 30th, would anyone actually notice?  (If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?)

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


In celebrity birthday news, in addition to Pamela Sue Martin’s birthday, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that it is web video star Kishen Tanna’s birthday.   And Our faithful Gentle Readers know what that means: Kishen Tanna’s birthday suit, aka “Kishen Tanna Naked”.  You’re welcome.

 (Does it occur to no one that We are a web video star of whom no one has ever heard?)

You need to get started on something new (Or something nude.  One of those.)

— but your energy may not seem up to the challenge. (Our energy needs an enema. (Insert “Chaka Khan’s chakras” joke here.))

Shake off that feeling (With Shake Weights™!)

and get the support you need to take things to the next level.  (Our Playtex™ Living Bra died…it’s so sad.)

Some aspect of work has followed you home this evening, (It’s afternoon…try to keep up, Bee-Yotch.)

and it’s not going to be lightly dismissed. (Personally, We’re fairly certain We could eat alphabet soup and poop a better horoscope than this.)

A good part of your mental energy  (Our who?)

will likely be going toward sorting out the aspects of the situation — or just worrying about it. (Should We be worried if We’re only worrying about it?  That’s worrisome.)

Meanwhile, family or friends are wondering where exactly your head’s at. (Suddenly We seem to have stumbled into Jayne Mansfield’s horoscope.)

(We’ll take “Fifty Year Old Pop Culture Jokes” for $500, Alex.)

At a certain point, it may be most fruitful to stop pretending to relax and go ahead and check your email or work on that project for an hour.  (And by all means, We certainly want to be “most fruitful”.  (If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be in the corner reciting Our multiplication tables.))

(The humor in here is as layered as an onion, as deep as Deepak Chopra, so multifaceted, so subtle…even We don’t get it…)

Those closest to you will appreciate your willingness to even out. (Oh, please.  We can’t even even out.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.