Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, December
Twelbst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Walt, who turns twenty-four
today somewhere over the bridge in New Jersey.
And Happy Belated Anniversary to Rene and Ed,
who anniversarated yesterday. (We were the maid of honor at their wedding.)
Those of you who have had the misfortune of
seeing Us recently will be shrilled and delighted to learn that We finally got
Our hurrrr did yesterday, so when next you see Us, We may actually be
presentable.
In other news, We shall be striving once
again this evening not to lose Our job at the Murder Mystery Factory. And how lovely is it to have a job where the
best thing you can say about it is that you didn’t get fired?
In other other news, in a fit of senility, We
completely forgot to post that We had posted Our post on Holidailies™
yesterday, so We posted that We had posted that post this morning, and now have
to wait till this evening to post about posting this post. (They make you wait
8 hours between posts, else someone could fulfill their “daily” commitment by
making 31 posts on December Oneth.)
Our hit counts were largely unaffected.
On a positive note, check out Our Best Of
Holidailies™ Award here:
and go to the e-ntry directly here:
We just watched a SitOnMyFaceBook video in
which some crafty wanker cut up an egg carton to create teeny, tiny
snowmen. We actually watched it most of
the way through, as, for the first three quarters or so, One couldn’t tell what
the fuck they were creating.
(Please do
not fear that, if you visit Us at OurHouseWhereWeLive this holiday season, you
will be greeted by a small army of egg carton snowmen. Trust Us, you won’t.)
In other utter udder news, there is a belief
system in which everything happens (A.) for a reason and (2.) exactly as it is
supposed to, so there’s no sense worrying about it (or, apparently, doing
anything at all), so sit back and enjoy the ride.
This belief system is not Ours.
In Our Own Personal Universe, things often (bordering
on ALWAYS) happen randomly and chaotically, with the only governance being a
tendency toward the worst possible outcome as pertains to Us. While We have no
idea whether or not this is “exactly as it is supposed to”, We are frequently worried
in advance, and usually disappointed afterwards. So when We benevolently
refrain from shooting you in the face with a semi-automatic weapon when you
start singing “Que Sera, Sera” after
The Universe has shat upon Us yet again, you might at least acknowledge that
Our disappointment is a real thing that exists.
KThxBye.
(Also, whichever little
pre-pubescent bitch just said, “What’s ‘Que
Sera, Sera?’” better start running in the other direction PDQ.)
Kiss Us quick, We're Doris Day.
(Oh, no, you DI-INT say, "Who?")
And then, as if to rub salt in the wound, Our
request to be sexted dick pix finally got a response yesterday. One picture.
Of a pussy. Thanks, The Universe.
We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our
video for which is above. (If We had Our
finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when. (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited
vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia. Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))
Here is the link with which you may share Our
Sagittarius video with both of your friends:
And here, for your further edification, is
Our very first Sagittarius video:
Moving on, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In celebrity birthday
news, today, on a very special episode of Blossom
, it is Mayim Bialik’s birthday.
And now, because We
need to go and perform Our ablutions to make Ourself presentable for being
incompetent at a dinner theater, here, in lieu of call-and-response with
AssHatted Ass(tromalo0gcial) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame
Olivia (We love when she talks about Uranus):
Greetings Starzina ~
Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.
Madame Olivia has been driving herself mad thinking about the
paradoxical notion that action comes before motivation. How can this be? Are
you crazy, Wise Person who first said this? Don't you have to have motivation
first? The answer is, unbelievably, no. The reason is simple: a tiny bit of
action primes the pump and lubricates the brain; momentum gathers; and
motivation builds! In fact studies seem to show that this takes 90 seconds, so
yes, it's actually quantified. So instead of sitting around waiting for
motivation, take a tiny bit of action in the desired direction and motivation
will follow. This of course will lead to more action!
Dear Aries, with Uranus in Aries you may be feeling some serious
activation, maybe pulls toward some big changes, in systems, ways of thinking,
geography. These changes can be both exciting and a little scary. Madame Olivia
is thinking that the best course of action for now may be a bit of
wait-and-see. You don't have to make the move or come up with an answer or
solution just because somebody else is in a hurry. When possible, take your
time.
Bright green is going to be important
It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you
from Madame Olivia.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
