Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacallyManicuringManlyManateesInManchurianMantillasMonday,
June Fifteenf, 2015.
Oh, Our dears, We have so many things to tell
you! Now that We do not e-pisstlize
every single day, We find Ourself storing up tantalizing tidbits to share with
Our Gentle Readers until We could just burst! We feel just like a pus-filled pimple,
prior to poppage, Poppets! (That there was a poetic werd pixture We painted
just for you. (You’re welcome.))
So lettuce get right to it, shall We? Happy birthday to The Lovely And Talented
Owen, who is being wished a Happy Birthday in these hallowed pages for His Very
First Time. (That’s why We’re being so
gentle.) Unlike Our other birthday
celebrators, he does not even turn twenty-four today.
Happy birthday also to Robert, who DOES turn twenty-four
today, in, We believe, Wilmington.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy
Birthday to Our very Own Mike Doh, who also turns twenty-four today, in, of all
places, Utah. Where, it being Equity
Day Off, We picture him sitting with one hand on the remote and one hand down
his Magic Underpants, binge-watching episodes of My Favorite Mormon.
(Actually, that’s pretty much the way We
ALWAYS picture him, but don’t tell him We said that.)
And now, because it takes absolutely no provocation
whatsoever for Us to whip this out (heh), here is the video We were in with the
aforementioned birthday boy:
And now, We shall say “and now”
again. Also, in the time-honored
tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!,
We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday
suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled. So, Happy
Belated Birthday to James, Peter, Doug…
…Doug, We feel
compelled to point out, shares a birthday with Our future ex-husband Johnny
Depp. Also, We have been meaning to
share the following video with you, and, as We think the star thereof bears
some resemblance to Doug, now is as good a time as any. (The video is Safe For
Work, unless sobbing uncontrollably is frowned upon in your workplace):
…Happy Belated Birthday also to Kevin, and to
David, and to David. (We could have said
“David” just the once there, but there are two
Davids. One is named Crawford, and the
other performs as Joan Crawford. They share the same birthday.)
Small world, innit?
Before We stray from the subject of birthday
wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished
Happy Birthdays above, We have seen exactly none of them in their birthday suits.
What the hell is up with that? All of you
gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures
of the birthdays suits in question.
We are now, of course, in the sign of Gemini,
Our video for which is above. And here,
because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Gemini video, which was the
very first video We made:
Here are the links with which you may share those
videos with both of your friends:
(One
of Our neighbors is having their carpets Stanley-Steemered™, and the noise is
driving Us to distraction.)
And
now, a few random odds and ends before We get to the major thrust (oooooh!) of
today’s e-pissode:
This
coming Sundee is Father’s Day (you’re welcome).
We received an email from some purveyor of Father’s Day-type gifts, with
the subject line, “DAD LOVES FISHING!”
We had an unfortunate WTF?!? moment when We misread said subject line in
a pornographic fashion.
(We’ll
just pause here while you all sort that out for your own selves.)
From
the Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! Health Department, here is this:
…also
Safe For Work, until you begin to follow the advice therein.
In other
news, is it just Us, or is every other damn person on SitOnMyFaceBook suddenly
missing? For almost a damn month now, it seems like everybody’s gone missing,
and that’s all anybody posts about. (Well, okay, there was a week of Caitlyn
Jenner, and a week of the black lady who’s not really black, but other than
that.)
How
is it possible that so many grown-ass people have all gone missing at the same
time? It isn’t, that’s what. We have ridden SEPTA, and We are here to tell
you, ain’t nobody missing.
And
yet, SitOnMyFaceBook yammers on…this one’s missing, that one’s missing, the other
one’s missing…you would think the fucking Rapture had happened. It’s like that Kirk Cameron movie, My Left Behind.
Speaking
of Kirk Cameron’s behind, why do alleged heterosexuals like Kirk Cameron, Rick
Santorum, Pat Robertson, etc., etc. go on and on about gay sex all the
time? Seriously…they talk about gay sex
more than any ten gay people We’ve ever met. Wethinks the lady doth protest too
much…Rick Santorum in particular wants it up the ass so bad, he’s got an application
in to be a Muppet.
ThankYouVeryMuch,
We’llBeHereAllWeek, DontForgetToTipYourWaitress.
Well,
that escalated quickly, dinnit?
Now,
onward and upward to today’s raison d’être: We Watch Bad Movies So YouPeople Don’t Have To
(You’re Welcome).
This
past weekend, We took a break from Our binge-watching of the brilliant UK
series, Skins, to catch up with the American
cinematic cultural milestone that is Fifty
Shades of Grey.
Wow,
did it stink.
As
there is no plot, you may forge boldly ahead even if you plan to torture
yourself by viewing said fillum, as there will be no spoilers.
The
song under the opening credits is “I Put
A Spell On You”, sung by Annie Lennox. (Annie Lennox has taken shits that
are sexier than this movie.) Naturally,
this song reminded Us of the fillum Hocus
Pocus, which We had recently rewatched.
Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus is
sexier than this movie.
We
then meet Our protagonists, Christian Grey, and Anastasia (seriously) Somebody-Or-Another. They each look as though they were chosen by
a focus group, so unmemorable/unremarkable/inoffensive are their faces. As are
their bodies (muscular but only so muscular, breasts perky but only so perky,
etc.)…in fact, they each have only one distinguishing feature: his is his
nipples, hers is her waist when her back is arched.
A
focus group is sexier than this movie.
The
major point of the whole thing is that Christian keeps trying to get Anastasia
(seriously) to sign an S&M contract with him. In order to persuade her, they boink a number
of times, usually with her tied up (so the aforementioned back can arch), once
while he taps her tushie with a riding crop.
As Jane
Fonda says in 9 to 5, “I’m into
M&Ms.”
M&Ms
are sexier than this movie.
She
never signs the contract.
Ooops…apparently,
We lied about the spoilers.
The
most fatal of the movie’s fatal flaws comes early on, when they introduce Anastasia’s
(seriously) roommate, and Christian’s brother.
The roommate and the brother are hotter than Anastasia (seriously) and
Christian by a factor of, oh, We don’t know, let’s say INFINITY, and they
immediately start having an affair which happens ENTIRELY OFF-SCREEN. To the point where, as One is contemplating
the tepid slap-and-tickle that is supposed to pass for hot sex between
Anastasia(seriously) and Christian, One cannot help but think, “One wonders
what the roommate and the brother are up to…perhaps there is another movie
entirely, where they get naked and
read the phone book to each other.”
The
phone book is sexier than this movie.
Because
Anastasia(seriously) and Christian have ABSOLUTELY NO CHEMISTRY with each
other. Apparently, they ran out of money for the focus group before it could
tell them that.
Another thing they don’t
have? Genitalia.
Well,
that’s not entirely true. We do, just
ONCE, mind you, glimpse the beginnings of Christian’s peen, as he takes of his
clothes for the eleventy-kabillionth time.
The poor “actress” who “plays” Anastasia (seriously), however, for all
the time she spends spread-eagled, clearly was born without a vagina. Or perhaps, and this is more likely, her
vagina was Photoshopped™ out, because all We can recall is wide ol’ big open
spaces between her muscular (but not TOO muscular) thighs.
Photoshop™
is sexier than this movie.
So,
in case you missed Our point, don’t see this movie. Because We
are sexier than this movie.
(You’re
afraid now, aren’t you?)
Speaking of pornography, this just in: We just got, in Our snail mail, a card from Playboy magazine. They are offering Us a full year of their
literary endeavor for a mere twelve dollars, “to attract readers with preferred
demographics”.
We shit you not.
Moving
on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in
one form or another since 2001? Every scintillating
e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming
dead-tree format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html
?
In celebrity birthday news, today is Our
future ex-husband Neil Patrick Harris’s birthday. Also, one of the Duggars was born today. (Although One could pretty much say that ANY day, yes?)
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
