To love, dummy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!

(We usually just copy this part over from day to day, so it may amuse you to know that, as today We are typing it, We started off by salutating you as "Hello, Dicks!")

Happy Birthday to Perry, who turns twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) back.


In other news of vital importance to the realm, We are hard at work, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo, writing  the script for Our Fringe show .   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:  


http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb 








Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!







(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)





Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.







And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

As We are so hard (ahem) at work, today's e-pissode is an encore presentation from approximately a year ago:

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, August 09, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four  had he (subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person.  The physical universe and the time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.

We trust the rest of you had a happy Hump Day in Our absence.  We were off humping unto others as We would have them hump unto Ourselves.  (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames.  (It did not.  Sigh.))

(Does anybody need a drag name?  Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)

Some days Our coffee tastes good, some days Our coffee tastes bad.  It’s the same damn coffee.  (Pee’s in the porridge pot, nine days old.)

We were actually busy having a wonderful day yesterday.  We had several lovely electronic communications via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very talented people in a wonderful piece of theater.  The People’s Light production of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know.  We had never been to People’s Light before.  It is in Peoria, or some such place.  All We know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona.  But Our dear friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the independent fillum We made together, We trundled off.  (Although why there was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)

Here, in case your memory needs to go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19^th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, sure.  NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday!  When all the good gifts are probably already gone.

Your core values are being challenged today (Oh, please.  We sold those on e-Bay weeks ago.)

— but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)

Just make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well, since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)

(Apropos of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday.  We didn’t, although, coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here earlier in the week.  So much for his fifteen minutes.  At any rate, Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing suit.  You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off.  Where’s all this “inventing”?)

(And now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing suit.  You’re welcome.)

 and that others can hear you out.  (We have no recollection of how this sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)

When you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)

you didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our business what somebody does with money We lend them?)

— but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened.  (Yawn.)

But when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will — there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No fucking shit.)

So you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would. (Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)

All you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds.  (First We had money, now We have “funds”?  Apparently, somebody’s been rooting through Our sofa cushions.)

Now’s a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality.  (Well, good.  Because Our usual relationships take a long time to inflate.)

Arrange a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen?  Buddy Hackett? Buddy Holly?  They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)

Keep your expectations in check, (Check, please.)

 and if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)

— it’s all right.  (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

 

Baby, baby, baby, oh

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, August 09, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four  had he (subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person.  The physical universe and the time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.

We trust the rest of you had a happy Hump Day in Our absence.  We were off humping unto others as We would have them hump unto Ourselves.  (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames.  (It did not.  Sigh.))

(Does anybody need a drag name?  Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)

Some days Our coffee tastes good, some days Our coffee tastes bad.  It’s the same damn coffee.  (Pee’s in the porridge pot, nine days old.)

We were actually busy having a wonderful day yesterday.  We had several lovely electronic communications via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very talented people in a wonderful piece of theater.  The People’s Light production of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know.  We had never been to People’s Light before.  It is in Peoria, or some such place.  All We know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona.  But Our dear friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the independent fillum We made together, We trundled off.  (Although why there was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)

Here, in case your memory needs to go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19^th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, sure.  NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday!  When all the good gifts are probably already gone.

Your core values are being challenged today (Oh, please.  We sold those on e-Bay weeks ago.)

— but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)

Just make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well, since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)

(Apropos of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday.  We didn’t, although, coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here earlier in the week.  So much for his fifteen minutes.  At any rate, Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing suit.  You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off.  Where’s all this “inventing”?)

(And now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing suit.  You’re welcome.)

 and that others can hear you out.  (We have no recollection of how this sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)

When you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)

you didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our business what somebody does with money We lend them?)

— but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened.  (Yawn.)

But when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will — there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No fucking shit.)

So you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would. (Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)

All you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds.  (First We had money, now We have “funds”?  Apparently, somebody’s been rooting through Our sofa cushions.)

Now’s a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality.  (Well, good.  Because Our usual relationships take a long time to inflate.)

Arrange a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen?  Buddy Hackett? Buddy Holly?  They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)

Keep your expectations in check, (Check, please.)

 and if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)

— it’s all right.  (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

He's the hairy, hairy gent, who ran amok in Kent

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMapQuestMonday, July 30, 2012.  Happy birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today, and who is about as likely to be reading this as We are likely to write the next sentence in Sanskrit.  ओउर मगिचाल् थिन्किन्ग, लेत उस शोव् इत तो यौ.  Shazam!

A local theater has put out a casting call.  They need one man for a production of Little Women.  Who wants to go with Us to opening night of THAT one-man show?

In other news, We are thinking that if you are looking at porn, and you are thinking, “That’s a really great comforter”, the porn may not be the best.

For fans of Breaking Bad: (there are NO SPOILERS HERE): last night’s show had a scene to which We shall refer as “the shut up scene”.  Once you have seen it, you will know to what scene We are referring.  We?  Feel like the character who said “shut up”.  All. The.  Time.

We just “liked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook. We feel dirty.  Not as dirty, of course, as if We had (subjunctively) just “licked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook, but still.  Dirty.  Then, of course, We had to go hunting about to see if We could also “like” Prince William on SitOnOurFaceBook.  Because We’re fair like that.  As of this writing, fifteen thousand more people “like” Prince Harry than “like” Prince William.  This won’t end well.

This just in from Ruth Buzzi on Twitter: “I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching my car into reverse and backing away from the scene of an accident.” (Yes, We DO follow Ruth Buzzi on Twitter.  If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, Our picture is there.)

We had a little time on Our hands over the weekend, so We set about inviting people to Make Fun Of Chik-Fil-A™ Day here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/501339676559826/ .  Do please join in if you haven’t already. Meanwhile, here are The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli And Friends, making fun of Chik-Fil-A™ professionally:

Meanwhile, remember when only The Kewl Kidz were on the InterNetz?  We actually had some conservative wingnut defriend Our assz on SitOnOurFaceBook after she got piled on for making some rude comment on the aforementioned event.  Lettuce imagine, for example, that We betook Our bleeding liberal heart to some Tea Party website, where they were discussing, say, their opposition to Obamacare.  Lettuce further imagine that, into said discussion, We introduced the comment, “Your views on Obamacare are very interesting, but Ayn Rand had a really bad haircut.”  Should We then be shocked, We tell you, SHOCKED when they pile on Us till We shut the hell up?  No, We should not, because We have violated just about every stricture of WorldWideInterWebNetzian etiquette. We have introduced irrelevance (Ayn Rand’s haircut), We have been patronizing (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), and We have lied (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), just to name three.

Did We mention that the conservative wingnut was Canadian?  Grow a pair.  Bitch.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Wait, wait, wait…Lisa Kudrow, Hilary Swank, and Delta Burke were ALL born today?  And it’s not a national holiday because…?

This is not a good time to sit around waiting for things to happen (So you’re saying nothing is going to happen?)

— you have to stir them up! (Shaken, not stirred.  Get with the program.)

You may find that your energy is perfect for moving forward with all sorts of crazy new schemes.  (We’re just waiting for Ethel Mertz to show up.)

 You are getting busier and busier, (Which is better than bustier and bustier.)

and there simply won’t be time to do everything you need to do right now.   (So We’ll just give up now, then.)

You need to sort things out and prioritize. (Maybe it’s just Us, but if there’s not going to be time for everything, that last bit sounds like the first thing to go.)

Take stock of your activities in order to figure out what responsibilities you can toss. (We already said…prioritization is the first thing to go.  Right after sorting things out.  And taking stock.  Taking stock is high on the list as well.)

(See what We did there?)

First, figure out how much time you spend thinking about what you are going to do. (So We’re going to spend precious time thinking about thinking about what We’re going to do?  This way lies madness.)

Then, figure out how much time you spend actually doing things. (So once We’re doen thinking about thinking about doing things, We’re supposed to think about doing things?)

(Does anyone else have a sick headache yet?  Abner?)

(Okay, seriously? Micro$oft Weird™ knows “Mertz” but not “Abner”?  Abner was not only the Stevens’s neighbor, ya know.  What about Abner Doubleday, the Father of Baseball?  (Didn’t think We’d know THAT one, didja?)  And what about Li’l Abner?)

(Okay, when We said “Li’l Abner” just then, how many of YouPeople’s thoughts went directly to Abner Kravitz’s penis?  Perverts.)

Tasks that require the most action should rise to the top of your ‘to do’ list.  (Cream rises.  On the other hand, shit floats.  For every axiomatic maxim, there is an equal and contradictory maximatic axiom.  Quod erat Dame Judith Anderson.)

(What?)

Stop living among the ghosts of the past. (And start living among the Werewolves of London.  Then you can have pina coladas at Trader Vic’s.  And your hair will be perfect.)

(Ah-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.)

What happened in high school or even yesterday doesn’t matter.  (Wait, We were in high school yesterday?  Somebody better get Our attorney on the phone…)

 Nobody really cares about all that, (Oh, well, then…)

and neither should you. (Who cares?)

Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were wrong.)

Keep your side of the street clean.  (Fine.  If anyone wants Us, We’ll be outside flinging poo at the neighbors.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Come and knock on our door, we’ve been waiting for you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, March 15, 2011.  Very few people know that William Shakespeare was working on I Love Lucy when he penned the immortal line, “Beware the ideas of Mertz.” Of course, if he were (subjunctively) working in television today (which is obviously silly, as he was of quite advanced years when he worked on I Love Lucy (although he did live long enough to contribute several episodes to the first season of That Girl)), it would be “Beware American Idols from Mars”.

Hey, it’s Tuesday, people.  Thirty-seven percent less funny than Monday. Saving up Our jokes for Hump Day, We are.  Why don’t YouPeople make Us laugh for a change?  Send in some pixtures of yourselves nakedly skimming…that ought to do it. (It is just a LEETLE disturbing that, if We stop to think about it, We have actually seen a number of Our naked skimmers naked.  And still We don’t get laid.  Wuzzup wit dat?)

Speaking of funny, tomorrow, in addition to being Hump Day, is also the day of Himself’s WaitStaff show, The Real HouseWives of South Philly, at Helium Comedy Club.  Now, of course, if you’ve met Himself, you are well aware that he’s not the least bit funny (appearances to the contrary), but We do so try to humor his sorry ass.  And his little friends are very funny, so it’s rather easy to laugh at their antics and subsequently pretend that Himself was also funny.  And cocktails are served before, during, and after the performance, which makes it even easier.  Here is where you buy tickets: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382  And here http://www.metro.us/philadelphia/entertainment/article/801631--waitstaff-sets-the-stage  and here  http://www.flyingkitemedia.com/features/realhousewivesofsouthphilly0315.aspx are some press with which to entice your friends to accompany you.

Meanwhile, “beware the Isle of Man”?  Not funny.  Also not funny:  Ayn Rand: “Beware the ideas of Marx.” (Please bear in mind that We are a Highly-Trained Professional, and you should not attempt this at home.  Especially if you are naked.)

And now, the moment you’ve all been nakedly skimming for: Erix Daily WhoresOnToast (now with thirty-seven percent more K-Y Jelly™!): 

Your internal combustion engine is purring today (Damn Mexican food.  (Or, as Mister Shakespeare wrote in the only episode of the Batman series he worked on before being unceremoniously dismissed, “Holy frijole, Batman!  I just farted in my tights and it went all the way down my leg!” (Shakespeare never did have a very firm grasp of camp.)))

— make the most of this hot energy!  (The nail in Shakespeare’s coffin, at least as far as Batman was concerned, was, of course, when Cesar Romero refused to utter the line, “Wet fart!  Who’s got a comb?” In a cunning display of linguistic economy, Shakespeare recycled the line into an episode of Family Affair, where it was delivered by none other than Sebastian Cabot, who won an Emmy™ for his efforts.)

You can make serious progress on almost anything from romance to entrepreneurship, and it’s fun, too!  (Speaking of the Starship Entrepreneurship, Shakespeare was, of course, a thespian in addition to being a cunning linguist, and only narrowly lost the role of Star Trek’s Captain Kirk to William Shatner. (It was a costuming issue, actually. Shakespeare’s extremely prominent third nipple was impossible to camouflage in the form-fitting Entrepreneurship uniforms. Also, Leonard Nimoy refused to work with him, after an unfortunate “hey-nonny-nonny” joke incident. (“Hey-nonny-nonny” jokes were, you will recall, the Shakespearean precursor to the “knock-knock” joke, two-thirds of Shakespearean plays having been written before the invention of doors.)))

You’ve definitely got a flair for keeping track of details. (Indeed.  Which is why we will at this point disclose that, in a stunning display of familial loyalty, Shakespeare’s great-grandson, Sherman Shakespeare, has obtained a job on the writing staff of Shatner’s new series, $#*! My Dad Says, and has sabotaged every script to date.  This has remained unknown until now because no one actually watches that show.)

So if you decide to help your sister/cousin/next-door neighbor/great uncle Max (Is that all the same person?  Are We suddenly from Alabama?  Or is it the cast list of Love’s Labour Lost? (Which, of course, Shakespeare used to pay for his beach house in Malibu by rewriting as the pilot for Three’s Company. ABC, naturally, couldn’t quite imagine a wacky sitcom starring Diana Rigg, Maggie Smith, and Sir John Gielgud, so they passed, but Shakespeare still got to keep his advance.))

out of a jam, (Or a K-Y Jelly™.  (You didn’t think We’d forgotten the smut, did you?))

they will sure be able to sleep easy knowing that you’ll dot their i’s and double-check their t’s. (Shouldn’t that be “double-CROSS their Ts”?  And what about their Fs? (In Ye Olde Middle Englifh of Shakespeare’s time, the letters S and F were the same letter.  “Shakespeare”, in fact, was the first English word to use the modern letter S.  Prior to that, it was F, F, F all the time.  As in, “but foft, what light through yonder window breakf?  It if the queef, and Juliet’f the fun.” (This, of course, was from a pre-Firft Folio version of Romeo and Juliet, in the first scene of which the words, “For a good time, call Juliet” are scrawled in the town square.  (Acts Two and Three of this version actually comprise the pilot episode of the short-lived TV-series, Bridget Loves Bernie, a recent drunken viewing of which is said to be the reason Meredith Baxter-Birney became a lesbian.))))

 They sure are lucky to have a sibling/next-door neighbor/cousin/grand niece or nephew like you!  (Well, you know Us; all things to all people.  Although We’re pretty sure that’s illegal in most states.  Much like Shakespeare’s original concept for The Flying Nun, in which all the roles were played, in the style of his day, by men.  This ill-conceived plan was scotched when Alejandro Rey refused to play the subtext of a romantic interest in Bob Denver’s Sister Bertrille.)

 Avoid any kind of inertia right now. (We shall sit very still until it passes.)

(And there, right in the middle of all of this Shakespearean claptrap, a little existential joke that would make the Bard himself pee green with envy.  Because We?  Are a Highly-Trained Professional.)

The urge to hover over the computer (Is nothing compared to the urge to Hoover your oeuvre. (We have no idea what We’re talking about, but don’t you just want to kiss Us right on the iambic pentameter?))

 and chat or browse all day might overwhelm you if you don’t do something early on. (Alternatively, do something oily in.  After you put something girly on. (Smut, smut, smut, smut, smut, smut, smut, smut….))

Invite a good friend to that new hot spot so you can see and be seen. (Hey nonny-nonny!  (Who’s there?) SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW NIGHT AT HELIUM!!!)

 .

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.