Shipoopi

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirstyThrowbackThursday, October Tenf, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Peter, who turns twenty-four today in Indiana.  The city, not the state.  Because, if he were (subjunctively) in the state, he would most likely be in Indianapolis.  Mainly because that’s the only city We can think of that’s in (the state of) Indiana.  Which is now making Us wonder how it is that Annapolis is not in the state of Anna.

Geography is hard.

We just thought of Muncie, Indiana.

Who the fuck thinks of Muncie, Indiana?  We may have to go lie down…

(How many of you are now mentally singing, “Gary, IN-diana, Gary, IN-diana, Gary, IN-diana”?  Jeebus Cripes, YouPeople are GAY.)

(Apropos of nothing, We just Googled “Gary Indiana” on Wikipedia, and there is an actor who has that name.  True fact.  (Also, how is it that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “Cripes” as a word, but not “Jeebus”?))

And to think, when We sat down to do this this morning, We were thinking, “We got nothin’.”

So the weather certainly has taken a turd for the wurst, hasn’t it? (We wouldn’t ordinarily discuss the weather, especially when We were already on such a roll with geography, but We wanted to promote Our new saying, “taken a turd for the wurst”, which, cleverly, means the same thing as its sound-alike saying, “taken a turn for the worse”.  Because, if you have (mis)taken a turd for the wurst, you are certainly on the verge of taking a turn for the worse.)

We kill Us.

Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes neither “turd” nor “wurst”.  Discuss.

In other news, Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week continues here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We actually had a lovely message from Allen yesterday.  Which only served to make Us picture him even harder.

Heh.  See what We did there?

In still other news, We are shrilled and ignited to inform you that We will be getting Our hairs did today.  Which means We shall finally be able to abandon this rather unwieldy chignon.  And not a moment too soon, as We are not completely unconvinced that it is uninhabited.

(We are willing to wager that nobody came in here today expecting to encounter the word “chignon”.  Apparently, chignon is the Spanish Inquisition of hairdos. (Or hairdon’ts.))

Moving on, have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)?  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  Getcher tickets here:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

Cocktails will be served, and you can picture Kevin and Allen naked the whole time.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Mario Lopez is forty.  We saw him on television recently.  Honey, if that’s what forty looks like, We are All. About. It.  In fact, he is cordially invited to get naked and sit in between Allen and Kevin.  ROWRRRR!

In the interests of washing the cooties out of Our hair before heading (heh) off to the hairdoers, here, in lieu of AssHatt Kelli’s spewings, is A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Eric ~

Welcome to Madame Olivia. It's lovely to have you back.

Madame Olivia has a thought for you. Sometimes we struggle gamely on and forget that we can ask for help, on micro and macro levels, from daily living all the way to life guidance. Some help may be free; some may be part of a trade; and some you may have to pay for. Step one is to identify where you are struggling and see if there is a way to get assistance. Step two is then to seek the help. Step three of course is to accept it! Interestingly, the very asking can change things in good and surprising ways. Madame Olivia knows whereof she speaks.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a thought for you. With both Neptune and little Chiron

(Did she say “Chignon”?)

in Pisces, the spirit of connectedness is very much in the air. Is there somebody out there for whom you have good feelings, like love, or fondness, or appreciation, who would relish hearing you express those good feelings? You are generally so positive and kind that this might not occur to you, but could there be a forgotten soul out there who needs your sunlight? In MOHO (Madame Olivia's Humble Opinion) now is an excellent time to look at this and take action. The recipient will love it, especially coming from you, plus your own Personal Joy Quotient will soar.

Verb of the day: wonder

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best and bids you adieu until we meet again.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinesDay, October 10, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to Jim, who turned twenty-four yesterday while We were in Absentia.  Absentia is, of course, a very small fishing nation wedged between Estonia and Latvia.  It is also the name of Sucretia and Epiphany’s cousin (Mitochondria and Saliva’s daughter, that is).  Naturally, at no point have We been “in” the second Absentia, so it is clear that We are referring to the fishing nation.  Although We can see how you might become confused…

One day without an e-pisstle, and already We’ve gone right for the crotch.

Those of you who have seen some iteration of the WaitStaff’s Match Game hijinks will better know Jim’s alter ego, Sean Connery.  You will, in fact, have looked up his skirt, if you have by chance been seated in the front row.  If you have not yet had that opportunity, here’s your chance: The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Can We sell tickets or what?  (Who said “Or what”?)

Long-time readers will, meanwhile, have had the cockles of their hearts warmed by the mention of Our old friends, Sucretia and Epiphany, who fell by the wayside when the MyBus turned into the OurSubway/Urinal.  (Heh.  She said “cockles”.)

In other news, this cock(heh)tail recipe just in from a bartender on the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  The Sandusky Slammer:  pour a shot of Old Granddad over 12-year-old Scotch.

Here at Casa de Curmudgeon, meanwhile, We are awaiting the arrival of a handyman.  Which would seem like an auspicious start for a porno movie, except that We have met this particular handyman before.  (Of course, it could be argued that, at this particular life-juncture, ANY man would be handy.  Unfortunately, We have always been burdened with High Standards. (Choosy motherfuckers choose Jif-fy Lube™.))

(We mistyped “motherfuckers” as “motehrfuckers”.  Micro$oft Weird™ told Us it was misspelled, but gave Us no suggestions for fixing it.  And yet, when We typed it correctly as “motherfuckers”, Micro$oft Weird™ recognized it as correct.  Prudish motherfucking Micro$oft Weird™ (which also, We might add, recognizes “motherfucking”.  (Y’all might want to keep your mothers away from the computer.)))

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

If you just felt your day get a little bit brighter, it’s because We just found out that it’s Mario Lopez’s birthday.

Your romantic side is out in force today, (Is that a polite way of saying Our fly is open?)

so make sure that you’re showing your sweetie how you feel — or looking out for your next sweetie, if you happen to be single.  (Yeah. We “happen” to be single.  Also, the Pope “happens” to shit in the woods.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “shit” to “sit”.  Which, while possibly related, is not at all the same thing.)

Either way, it’s fun!  (See, if WE were (subjunctively) Micro$oft Weird™, We would fuck with people by suggesting they change “it’s fun” to “it’s fudge” or “it’s fuck”.)

You might not be feeling all that great at the start of the day, but the people around you sure think you’re looking great!  (There is no one here.)

(Also, the calls are coming from inside the house.)

This confirmation of your attractiveness will do wonders for your physical and mental health.  (Our mental health needs an enema.)

(Oh. Our. God.  Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “enema” to “enemy”.  How does THAT make any sense?  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Accept the adoration and compliments graciously — this is not a day to pretend to be humble. (But We hear if you’re humble, there’s pie.  Mmmmm…pie.)

Agree with people when they say you’re cute because gosh darn it, you are!  (We have NEVER been cute.  Also, “gosh darn it”?)

Expect your mood to continue to skyrocket as the day continues.  (What exactly is the alternative to “SKYrocket”?)

You have your perfect type defined right down to their toenails.  (Trust Us, We don’t care about his toenails.   We’re not even real picky about how many toes he has on each foot.)

But does your specificity mean you’re missing out on someone a little left of perfection? (Leftovers again?)

Broaden your search just a bit. (We are one hundred percent sure Our search does not need to include broads.)

You’ll meet lots of new and interesting prospects.  (Oddly, though, most prospectors of literature and lore are old.  Go figger.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Crystal Blue Persuasion

Greetings, Extraterrestrials Repopulate Iowa Commune---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, September 10, 2010 (Happy birthday to Our Li’l Mo’Niques, who turns twenty-four today.  September tenf…who’d’a thunk, after August lasted for ninety-seven years, September would be one-third gone in the blink of an eye. (And don’t it make your brown eyes, don’t it make your brown eyes, don‘t it make your brown eyes your buttholes?)):

(That there was a little Crystal Gayle, for Our Crystal Gayle fan readers.  (What are the odds? (Also, what the h3ll ever happened to Crystal Gayle? Pardon Us while We go fire up Our Wikipedia so We can Google her on it…well, the answer is, not much.  Miss Woman is currently fifty-nine years old, and still has That Hair.  Which makes her look like Stevie Nicks in drag as Lily Munster.  Whatevs.)))

(So Our show was sold out again on Wednesday.  Big shout-out to The Coven, who appeared at the thing en masse. Also, both remaining Sunday-at-6PM shows are already sold out. There are still a few tickets to be had for the two Sundays-at-8PM shows, and for this coming Tuesday and Thursday. Go IMMEDIATELY to http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 to buy your tickets, or you’ll have to see Us at the Wilmington Fringe.  In, ya know, Delaware.)

(Speaking of Our show, here is the article about it (and Us) that appeared in this week’s Souf Philly Review:  http://www.southphillyreview.com/news/features/Artsy-amusement-ride-at-Live-Arts-and-Fringe.html )

(If you are fortunate enough to get tickets to The Real Housewives of South Philly,  you may actually have a Jesus sighting.  Here is Jesus’s hit YouTube video, for your viewing and sharing pleasure.)

)

(Our Our-O-Scope)

There's not much you won't be able to cajole, (Isn’t “cajole” a peculiar word?  Kinda like a cross between “frijole” and “cojones”.  Which would seem to indicate testicles the size of kidney beans.  (Is anybody else hungry for Mexican food now?  Or do you just wanna fu(k Mario Lopez?))

wheedle (Don’t even get Us started on “wheedle”.)

or charmingly persuade (Unfortunately, “charmingly persuade “ just isn’t funny.)

others to do for you today -- but should you? (We probably shouldn’t. Because, seriously, if somebody did something for Us?  We’d probably drop dead from the shock.)

Absolutely, provided you're not being too, too hedonistic, (Which, oddly enough, has nothing whatsoever to do with being tutu shedonistic.  (If We knew a good Desmond Tutu joke, this would be where We’d tell it.  But We suspect there ARE no good Desmond Tutu jokes.  There may actually be no Desmond Tutu jokes whatsoever.  Sigh.  Poor Desmond Tutu.))

and that you're not bringing harm or mischief to yourself or anyone else. (No, We’re bringing ham and mistletoe.  Because We suspect it’s gonna be one of THOSE parties.)

(What?)

Other than that, wheedle away -- sweetly. (Isn’t that a Crystal Gayle song?)

It may have been an innocent comment, but for some reason you just can't stop thinking about it. (Here’s a newsflash, Dimblow: “it” is a pronoun, and requires an antecedent.)

Better give it a shot, though (It is 11AM…it’s a little early for shots, don’t’cha think?)

 -- if you don't want this to end.  (How ‘bout We skip back to the fu(king Mario Lopez part?)

Your first impulse will be to ignore it and bravely go on. (Again with the “it”.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Don't. (Who let the Republiklans in here?)

Epic sagas aren't written about someone who was cranky from the flu. (Jigga whut duh fu(k?)

Go home. (We ARE home.  B1tch.)

Tend to yourself.  (Did you not just tell Us, not ten sentences ago, that We would be able to frijole-cojones other people into tending to Us?  It’s just that sort of slipshod Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) that’ll have Us wind up fu(king Mario Lanza instead of Mario Lopez.  (Which is gonna be really disgusting, considering that Mario Lanza’s been dead for fifty years.))

 The hesitation you're feeling just might work for you -- this time. (Uhhhh…are you sure?)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Be quiet, (YOU be quiet.  Wh0re.  And stop telling Us what to do.)

and wait for your opponent to speak. (Ya know what?  If ya cut their throat before they speak, the fight’ll be over a whole lot sooner.)

Bet they'll make a mess of it. (As opposed to Us, who will be fu(king some guy who’s been dead for fifty years and has kidney-bean testicles.  Because THAT won’t be messy at ALL.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Snap!Crackle!Pop! Rice Cowgrass)