Crystal Blue Persuasion

Greetings, Extraterrestrials Repopulate Iowa Commune---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, September 10, 2010 (Happy birthday to Our Li’l Mo’Niques, who turns twenty-four today.  September tenf…who’d’a thunk, after August lasted for ninety-seven years, September would be one-third gone in the blink of an eye. (And don’t it make your brown eyes, don’t it make your brown eyes, don‘t it make your brown eyes your buttholes?)):

(That there was a little Crystal Gayle, for Our Crystal Gayle fan readers.  (What are the odds? (Also, what the h3ll ever happened to Crystal Gayle? Pardon Us while We go fire up Our Wikipedia so We can Google her on it…well, the answer is, not much.  Miss Woman is currently fifty-nine years old, and still has That Hair.  Which makes her look like Stevie Nicks in drag as Lily Munster.  Whatevs.)))

(So Our show was sold out again on Wednesday.  Big shout-out to The Coven, who appeared at the thing en masse. Also, both remaining Sunday-at-6PM shows are already sold out. There are still a few tickets to be had for the two Sundays-at-8PM shows, and for this coming Tuesday and Thursday. Go IMMEDIATELY to http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 to buy your tickets, or you’ll have to see Us at the Wilmington Fringe.  In, ya know, Delaware.)

(Speaking of Our show, here is the article about it (and Us) that appeared in this week’s Souf Philly Review:  http://www.southphillyreview.com/news/features/Artsy-amusement-ride-at-Live-Arts-and-Fringe.html )

(If you are fortunate enough to get tickets to The Real Housewives of South Philly,  you may actually have a Jesus sighting.  Here is Jesus’s hit YouTube video, for your viewing and sharing pleasure.)

)

(Our Our-O-Scope)

There's not much you won't be able to cajole, (Isn’t “cajole” a peculiar word?  Kinda like a cross between “frijole” and “cojones”.  Which would seem to indicate testicles the size of kidney beans.  (Is anybody else hungry for Mexican food now?  Or do you just wanna fu(k Mario Lopez?))

wheedle (Don’t even get Us started on “wheedle”.)

or charmingly persuade (Unfortunately, “charmingly persuade “ just isn’t funny.)

others to do for you today -- but should you? (We probably shouldn’t. Because, seriously, if somebody did something for Us?  We’d probably drop dead from the shock.)

Absolutely, provided you're not being too, too hedonistic, (Which, oddly enough, has nothing whatsoever to do with being tutu shedonistic.  (If We knew a good Desmond Tutu joke, this would be where We’d tell it.  But We suspect there ARE no good Desmond Tutu jokes.  There may actually be no Desmond Tutu jokes whatsoever.  Sigh.  Poor Desmond Tutu.))

and that you're not bringing harm or mischief to yourself or anyone else. (No, We’re bringing ham and mistletoe.  Because We suspect it’s gonna be one of THOSE parties.)

(What?)

Other than that, wheedle away -- sweetly. (Isn’t that a Crystal Gayle song?)

It may have been an innocent comment, but for some reason you just can't stop thinking about it. (Here’s a newsflash, Dimblow: “it” is a pronoun, and requires an antecedent.)

Better give it a shot, though (It is 11AM…it’s a little early for shots, don’t’cha think?)

 -- if you don't want this to end.  (How ‘bout We skip back to the fu(king Mario Lopez part?)

Your first impulse will be to ignore it and bravely go on. (Again with the “it”.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Don't. (Who let the Republiklans in here?)

Epic sagas aren't written about someone who was cranky from the flu. (Jigga whut duh fu(k?)

Go home. (We ARE home.  B1tch.)

Tend to yourself.  (Did you not just tell Us, not ten sentences ago, that We would be able to frijole-cojones other people into tending to Us?  It’s just that sort of slipshod Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) that’ll have Us wind up fu(king Mario Lanza instead of Mario Lopez.  (Which is gonna be really disgusting, considering that Mario Lanza’s been dead for fifty years.))

 The hesitation you're feeling just might work for you -- this time. (Uhhhh…are you sure?)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Be quiet, (YOU be quiet.  Wh0re.  And stop telling Us what to do.)

and wait for your opponent to speak. (Ya know what?  If ya cut their throat before they speak, the fight’ll be over a whole lot sooner.)

Bet they'll make a mess of it. (As opposed to Us, who will be fu(king some guy who’s been dead for fifty years and has kidney-bean testicles.  Because THAT won’t be messy at ALL.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Snap!Crackle!Pop! Rice Cowgrass)