My show takes place in a brothel in West Germany

Greetings, Endust™ Removes Infinitesimal Cockroachdroppings---

(We have no idea why Endust™ popped into Our head(s).  Certainly nothing involving Our immediate surroundings.  However, it does beg the question as to why these brilliantly witty and yet commercially viable epistles have yet to attract corporate sponsorship.  Hmmm…)

(We refuse to even argue with Micro$oft Weird™ about the wordliness of “cockroachdroppings”.  (Or, for that matter, the wordliness of “wordliness”.  Clearly, they thought We meant “worldliness”.  But We didn’t.))

Here is your horoscope for Monday, September 27, 2010  (Jeebus H. Cripes on a cracker, it’s practically the end of September!  At this rate, it will be Christmas by the weekend.  (We would like to take this opportunity to point out that most of Our Christmas shopping is already done, and has been since January.  Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because much of it is wrapped, as well.)  In other news, happy birthday to Nico, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Corinna, who, in a bizarre Erix Daily Horoscope Vortex Of Co-Inky-Dink, ALSO turns twenty-four today.):

(So We did Our show at Ursinus on Saturday, in front of a sold-out house.  (If one can correctly refer to a house full of people who got in for free as “sold out”.)  Next weekend, Wilmington.  Get your five-dolla tickies here, round-eyes:  http://www.shopcityfest.com/Fringe-Wilmington/Fringe-Performances/The-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly (Who the h3ll was that Chinawoman, and why was she wh0ring Our show?  (Why doesn’t Micro$oft Weird™ think “Chinawoman” is a word?  And where the h3ll is Mistah Eddie’s Father when ya need him? (Why does nobody think of Bill Bixby anymore?))))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:

)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You'll be quite confident and self-assured under any and all circumstances.  (Well, of course.  We are wearing Depends™.  No one needs to know that We’re sitting here in a pile of Our own p00p. Unless, of course, they have functional olfactory receptors.  Or can hear Us squishing.)

(See, an ORDINARY Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) would have said “unless, of course, they can smell Us”.  (Well, actually, they would have said “smell ME”, because if they were ORDINARY, they’d have no business using The Royal We.)  Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, however, We are a (unt ABOVE the ordinary, and, much as Our opposable thumbs set Us apart from former Alaskan governors, Our cunning linguistic  skills set Us apart from ordinary Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s.)

Unfortunately, that confidence may be blown out of proportion. (Well, it’s about d@mn time SOMETHING got blown around here.)

Be sure you have what it takes to back up that swagger before you start swaggering – (If you look at the word “swagger” long enough, it completely ceases to look like a word at all.  Try it and see…We’ll wait:  SWAGGER…)

(See?)

no matter (Bonus Question: What is the difference between “no matter” and “antimatter”?  Extra credit for delineating the relationship between antimacassars and the Matterhorn.)

(What? YOU try spending your Saturday night surrounded by adoring hordes of freshly-scrubbed college students, and see how much sense YOU make on Monday morning.)

(We are now mentally composing a song entitled “Adoring Hordes” to the tune of “Amazing Grace”.  We’ll let you know how that turns out.)

how bulletproof you think you are.  (Dunno ‘bout that, but We can pretty much guarantee that We are 100% balletproof.)

If it were possible, (Everyone would understand the subjunctive.  But people are stupid.)

this would be the kind of astrological energy that people would pay big bucks for. (Why couldn’t We have been the guy that thought up bottled water?)

So if you're interested in someone, you should mention it. (Johnny Depp, to the white courtesy phone please…)

Right now.  (Pushy much?  Bee-yotch.)

Self-satisfied? (Is there anyone reading who DIDN’T think that was a euphemism? (Meanwhile, what’s a euphemism for euphemism?))

Just try not to be too smug. (Smug as a thug on a drug.)

Wearing that facial expression for too long creates wrinkles -- in the wrong places.   (So where exactly would the RIGHT places for wrinkles be?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass…deliciously different)