When an eel bites your heel while he's copping a feel, that's a moray.

Greetings, Explaining Remaining Insane Châtelaine---

Herewith your horoscope for Friday, September Turd (That just doesn't have the ring of "90210 Day", does it?)---

(The Real Housewives of South Philly is making must-see lists all over the city.  These just in:  http://www.phawker.com/2010/09/02/artsy-getting-your-fringe-on/ and http://www.philly2philly.com/culture/culture_articles/2010/9/2/34902/theater_picks_the_2010_philadelphia_live_arts_festival_and_p , which called us "a surefire winner".  Get your tickets NOW before any more shows sell out:  http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 )

(Our-O-Scope:)

Do not pass go, do not attempt to collect $200 (Oh, great.  Board games.)

and do not -- repeat, do not -- (Mmmm....donuts.)

allow yourself to be in the vicinity of whoever or whatever it is that pushes your buttons. (So wait...this "button pushing" is BAD?)

If you feel yourself losing it, leave. ((A.) What if We never had it to lose in the first place?  and (2.) "Leave."?!?  It's Our house.)

Immediately.  (One lone adverb does not a sentence make, DickSmoker.)

 Keep your cell phone handy, (And your hell phone sandy.)

(What?)

and have a friend call you at nine. (If only We had such power.)

It's up to you to decide whether it's an 'emergency' or 'a wrong number.'  (What if it's an emergency wrong number?  Like, say, June Lockhart calls to say Timmy's fallen down the well again (stupid fuckin' retard), and she thinks she's called Lassie's phone (yeah. Because dogs have phones, June.)  Can We promise to send help, and then just hang up and not do anything?  Will THAT teach that Mongoloid idiot of a Timmy to stop playing near open wells?  Or will it cause him to start playing with Orson Welles?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

This is no time to pretend there's nothing wrong if you're really furious. (What if We're only spuriously furious?)

 You won't be able to, for starters -- and why pass up the opportunity to say your peace? (Yes, folks, she actually said "say your peace".  And here We sit, a writer who actually speaks PROPER English, with no jawb.  Up yours, Kelli.)

(Uri-Geller-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

always after me Cowgrass Charms...they're fanatically meretricious.)