Maybe I’m amazed

Greetings, “Ethelred’s Ready!” Insists Charlemagne---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, September 16, 2010 (Happy belated birthday to Patrick, who turned twenty-four yesterday in Greater Bostonia.  (Typing skillz are important, as “happy belted birthday” doesn’t mean at all the same thing.)):

(The Real Housewives of South Philly is so totally sold out that We’re not even sure the actors can get in.  You can read about what you’re missing here: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/arts-and-culture/Calendar-Sept-15-21-102859434.html, and maybe next time, you’ll buy tickets when We tell you to.)

 (If you are fortunate enough to already have tickets to The Real Housewives of South Philly,  you may actually have a Jesus sighting.  Here is Jesus’s hit YouTube video, for your viewing and sharing pleasure.)

)

(We had, last night, one of those fascinatingly epic story-dreams, in which We were auditioning for Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives Two. The director actually came and picked Us up in a car, and drove Us to Chicago.  (We have no idea WHY Chicago, when the original was filmed in Texas, but We are staunchly opposed to Texas on principle, so bear with Us.)  We were auditioning with the lovely and talented Willam Belli, and a local Philadelphia tranny of Our acquaintance who, to the best of Our knowledge, has never acted in her life. By “auditioning with”, We mean that they were already cast, and actually had veto power over Us.  Why We weren't vetoed on the spot for showing up to audition as a ticked-off tranny without so much as a lace hankie or Our Tuesday panties, We haven’t got any idea.  Willam was attempting to help Us get the part, but Our local Philly tranny, not so much.  Eventually, We did get cast, and We couldn’t wait to tell everybody.)

(Then We woke up.)

(And here We are telling everybody.  Which would be very exciting, if it hadn’t been a dream.)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

Your reputation doesn’t usually worry you all that much (Mainly because We haven’t got one.)

— you know that you can pull off just about anything (Because We are a stripper.  A big, fat, ginormous stripper whose @ssz eclipses the sun.  Party with THAT thought.)

no matter what others may think. (Which they generally don’t.  And certainly not of Us.)

Today, though, you need the world on your side!  (Hey, if it’ll get ‘em off Our back…)

Today you take the reins. (We just skipped ahead…this “reins” business is the beginning of an extended horsie/carousel metaphor that’s really, really annoying.  Just so you’re prepared.  Because, with all this horseshit, there must be a pony.)

Maybe you’re on a carousel riding your favorite lilac horse (How gay is that?)

next to your sweetie pie, (How gay is THAT?)

who is riding their favorite sea-foam green dragon. (Oh. My. God.  That’s gayer than Charles Nelson Reilly making a movie of Paul Lynde fu(king Liberace in a pink chiffon hammock in a field of pansies while the cast of Glee sings Judy Garland’s greatest hits.)

Maybe you’re the office’s version of an old-fashioned stagecoach driver. (What the h3ll does that even MEAN?)

Either way, you’ve got everything, including your trusty steed, under control. (Oh, well, then.  As long as We’ve got Our trusty steed under control.  Oh, and? Shut. Up. Kelli.)

The golden ring is going to hit its mark! (Who’s Mark, and why are We playing ring toss with him?)

The carousel bell is going to ring! (The carousel bell?  The hell?)

The mail is going to arrive! (The postman always rings twice!  What the fu(k are you talking about?)

Whew. (That’s what Liberace said.)

Just relax, have fun and be yourself  (Yeah.  ‘Cause that’s worked out really well so far.)

— the right thing is sure to come your way. (And no doubt either hit Us in the head, or go totally unrecognized.  Our world and welcome to it.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass... when it absolutely positively has to be there overnight)