I’m like a prisoner, captured by your eyes…

Greetings, Effortless Repainting Invigorates Conservatory---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, September 24, 2010 (Ordinarily, when We are this tardy with an Erix Daily Horoscope installment, We just give up and wait for the next day.  However, We were favorably reviewed in a completely unexpected forum yesterday, so we felt compelled to show up and wish all y’all a happy Friday.):

(And WHY were We tardy, you ask?  (Oh, yes, you do; We saw your lips move.) We were out and about at the cr@ck of @ssz, auditioning for a Pennsylvania Lottery commercial.  On Our way home, We bought a Pennsylvania Lottery ticket.  We are pretty sure that Our chances of either of these things turning out well for Us are just about equal.  On the plus side, Our bus ride TO the audition was free, and We found three pennies in Our travels, so We’re counting it as a win.  (You may have noticed that We will count just about any old thing as a win these days.  A regular Pollyanna P. Purebread, We are.))

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “out and about” to “out”.  What’s THAT about?  (It also suggested “active” or “mobile”.  How the h3ll does Micro$oft Weird™ know what We were doing when We were out and about?  Is it stalking Us?  (More to the point, why didn’t it have any problem with Our second use of “out and about”?)))

(Additionally, Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “pretty sure” to “sure”.  Who the fu(k is Micro$oft Weird™ to tell Us how sure We are?)

(In other news, you can read about Our upcoming appearance in the Wilmington Fringe here: http://www.delawareonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=20109240315 .  Also, you can go here http://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets.  Also also, We are appearing this Saturday night at 7PM in some theater at Ursinus College for the low, low price of FREE. Are We two-bit wh0res, or what? (If you will be in the vicinity of Uranus College, ask Us for actual details.))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:

)

(Meanwhile, you will notice that We have run out of Historic SitOnOurFaceBook Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Rene Auberjonois , so We have gone another route. (Also, please do not imagine that We had any earthly clue how to spell “Auberjonois” without looking it up…We ARE The Sh1t, but We are not THAT MUCH The Sh1t.))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You’re like the match that lights off the fireworks today — without you, it’s just a big waste of time and money. (Okay, that?  Was Our nickname in high school.)

Once you get things going, though, (Oh, sure. We have to do EVERYTHING.  Stick a broom up Our @ssz and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

everyone should see just how lovely it all can be.  (Not as lovely as We were earlier, in long pants, shoes, and socks in this weather.  Either it is Indian summer, or someone has thrown a few extra Indians on the fire.)

You’re in the mood to hibernate, big time — which is quite unusual for you. (Have you met Us?  We would cheerfully stay in bed till the cows come home to sing to the fat lady.  (Speaking of fat ladies, dear fat lady wearing all black in today’s heat:  no.  Just, no.  Stay home, fercrissakes.))

In fact, it has you worried. (Nothing a cabana boy fanning Us with a palm frond and serving Us frosty umbrella drinks wouldn’t cure.)

Could a permanent change in your personality be coming on? (No.  We’re schizophrenic, and so are We.  (On first blush, One would imagine that joke working much less well with The Royal We. 

But upon reflection, One savors it like a fine wine and appreciates the added airs of nuance. (Yes, That Smell You Smell is the NUANCE.  Deal with it.)))

 Of course not. (Wh0re snot.)

(What?)

Stay snuggled up in those pj’s just as long as you want. (It is a hundred and twelve degrees in the shade.  While We shall cheerfully go back to bed if called upon to do so, snuggling up in PJs can go fu(k itself.  (Also, never attempt to pluralize by adding an apostrophe-S.  @sshat.))

Soon, you’ll be yourself again (And the crowd goes wild!)

— in the mood to wear something red and revealing, (Does that mean red footie pajamas with the trap door open?)

and eager to make up for lost time. (Obviously, it does!)

In fact, expect to be burning the candle at both ends again, as usual, in just a day or so.  (Is it just Us, or is Kelli developing a major majorette fetish?)

Look to the universe and feel its power flow! (Great…now The Universe is menstruating on Us.  As if things weren’t bad enough already.)

You’re full of energy (See?  That Smell You Smell (OTHER than the Nuance) is ENERGY.)

— and inspiring others, too. (Well, as long as We can ignore the others as soundly as they’ve been ignoring Us.)

You may even be moved to do something completely spontaneous (Combust?)

that influences your love life.  (There should be a “black hole” joke right about here, but We really can’t be arsed to invent it.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

What becomes a cowgrass most?)