She's got Bette Davis thighs

Greetings, Eurotrash Recycling Isn't Conservation---

Here is your horoscope for 90210 (We did, of course, already celebrate 90201 Day this year, back in February, for Our Euro-peein' friends.  Well, now We're celebrating it again. (It may interest some of you to know that, if you Google "90210 naked" on Wikipedia, you don't really come up with any scandalous pixtures. (Even as We were typing that, it occurred to Us that it was (A.) ridiculous and (2.) impossible.  Then We realized that, given Our recent computer trials and tribulations, Our Google settings had probably defaulted to "Safe  Search: Moderate".  So We went back and redid the search with Safe Search: Off.  We won't subject you to the results, but they were certainly...vaginal.))):

(But enough of that.  Let's talk about Us.  We have been relatively low-key about promoting Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, The Real Housewives of South Philly,  which opens Sunday.  But We must just take this opportunity to crow that the Sunday 8PM show is SOLD THE FUCK OUT, people.  Because We are JUST that good.  So if you are dithering over your plans to see this puppy, dither no longer Mister Dithers; get the hell online and get yo' damn tickets befo' yo' can't get no tickets no mo'.  Here's where:  http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844  The show plays on Sundays, September 5, 12, and 19 at 6 and 8PM, and Wednesday, September 8, Tuesday, September 14, and Thursday, September 16 at 8PM at L'Etage Cabaret above Beau Monde at 6th and Bainbridge.  We have also made City Paper's list of What Not To Miss At The Fringe: http://citypaper.net/articles/2010/09/02/fest-bets .  And stay tuned for info about Our appearance in the Wilmington Fringe in October.)

(For those who enjoy hearing about Our trials and tribulations in ComputerLand, We are currently awaiting a new "video card", whatever the hell that is.  This would be Our third video card for this computer, which is three years old.  Since the new hard drive (also Our third) didn't fix the problem.  Dude, you're getting a Dell.  Shoved up your ass sideways.)

(On the plus side, a lovely Chinawoman named Jasmine diagnosed Our problem, took over Our computer remotely, and reconfigured it so We could watch porn while waiting for Our new video card to arrive, so all is not lost.  Although having just this morning seen a pixture of Gabrielle Carteris's head Photshopped onto some naked porn actress's body, We may never look at porn again.)

(Our-O-Scope:)

There's absolutely nothing you can't do right now (Oh, honey...NOBODY does Absolutely Nothing the way WE do Absolutely Nothing.)

-- except possibly keeping quiet about anything that even mildly irritates you. (Well, then We guess it's a good thing that nothing only MILDLY irritates Us, so We can holler all We want.)

Avoid folks who'll expect you to 'just be nice,' (Well, duh.  Because clearly they are either complete strangers to Us, or else mentally deficient in some way.)

and turn your focus toward putting an end to situations that deserve your undivided, unfiltered verbal attention. (Is it just Us, or did Kelli just give Us permission to be a bitch on wheels in heels with a Piels  while clubbing baby seals?  (We just had to go look up Piels, to make sure it really was a beer, the way We thought it was.  Also, do baby seals actually go clubbing?))

 If you're anywhere near a dear one, (Insert queer joke here.)

your heart will be so full you'll wonder if it can hold any more happiness. (Oh, good.  So now, Our heart's gonna explode.  Who the hell's gonna clean THAT up?)

It can. (It can shitcan by the seashore.)

(Micro$oft Weird(TM) believes that "shitcan" is not a word.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird(TM) is paying no attention whatsoever to Our life.)

Just wait 'til tomorrow. (Was that a threat?)

Do not -- repeat, do NOT -- get behind the wheel, or even think about operating any machinery if you're angry, upset or irritated. (Well, there's a bunch of machinery that's gonna rust itself to pieces from neglect.)

Stalk to your destination instead.  ("Stalk"?  Seriously?)

No matter how hard you've tried lately, things just haven't been working out the way you want them to. (We were going to get a T-shirt that said this, but then We figgered why not just get it tattooed on Our forehead and be done with it.)

Try another tack (Yeah, this seat isn't uncomfortable enough yet.)

-- and keep your sense of humor intact.  (Oh, please.  We are ten of the funniest people you know.  (Get your WaitStaff tickets.  NOW.))

(Euro-Peein'-Euro-Trash-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

Cowgrass.  Fresh-poured flavor, all the way down.)