Old man trouble, I don't mind him; you won't find him 'round my door

Greetings, Existential Religion’s Invisible Crusade---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, September 14, 2010:

(The Real Housewives of South Philly is really most sincerely sold out.  So you should only go to http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 if you want to see lots of “Sold Out” signs, and links that won’t work because you can’t buy tickets anymore because there aren’t any left so nanny-nanny poo-poo.  (We are told, however, by A Little Birdie, that, if you Know Someone, you might still be able to get in.  But NOT, however, this evening, as people who Know Someone have already descended like vultures on Prometheus’s liver and onions.  Do inquire, however, regarding Thursday or Sunday.))

(Heh.  Prometheus’s liver and onions.  We are so literary it’s scary, Mary.  Literally.  (Clitorally rhymes with literally, but We can’t think of a joke. Anyone?))

(If you are fortunate enough to already have tickets to The Real Housewives of South Philly,  you may actually have a Jesus sighting.  Here is Jesus’s hit YouTube video, for your viewing and sharing pleasure.)

)

(We have learned recently that We have been wasting a great deal of time and energy in framing proper English sentences for what We imagined was the purpose of communicating with Other People. (We don’t actually like Other People very much, but they are so frequently in Our way that We feel We have to make some sort of effort.)  As it turns out, the only reason We are apparently talking is to create pleasant air currents.  Much like an electric fan.  Or a cabana boy with a palm frond.  For example, We recently imagined that We had planned a Social Engagement for one of Our nights off from the theatre.  Meanwhile, the whole time, the Party Of The Second Part was thinking, “What a lovely breeze!”)

(Other People, however, manage to communicate quite clearly with Us.  For example, We were recently in the company of a couple who were bemoaning the difficulty of fixing their gay friend Of A Certain Age (twenty-fourish, to be exact) up with an appropriate date.  “Oh, why, oh, why,” they bemoaned, “do we not know any nice, single gay men Of A Certain Age to date our friend?” While We were STANDING RIGHT THERE.  (Many of you will hasten to point out at this juncture that We are not nice.  And to both of you We say, when you are Of A Certain Age, three out of four ain’t bad.  Also, go fu(k yourselves.))  And do not even get Us started on the people who are constantly pointing out what an ATTRACTIVE gay man Of A Certain Age We are, who are always of either the wrong gender or the wrong sexual orientation to do Us any damn good.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “at this juncture” to “now”.  Micro$oft Weird™ can go fu(k itself with a chainsaw.)

(Our Our-O-Scope)

Your ability to cross cultural boundaries and enjoy ways of life from all over the world is heightened right now, so set your mind to exploring!  (Oh, goody!   Any moment now, We shall start complaining in tongues.)

You should find something mind-blowing soon enough. (It’s not Our mind that needs blowing.  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.  Slut.)

 You don’t usually ask for help from anyone (It’s so hard to get good help these days.  Also, it’s so good to get hard help these days.  (Which lends a whole new meaning to “the butler did it”, don’t it?))

— and accepting it is tough for you, too. (Mainly because We have so little practice.)

If you were to buckle and accept, (We’d have to be a hell of a lot spryer than We actually are.)

you’d have to explain to yourself why you couldn’t manage this alone, but realizing that, while you’re the very soul of capability and responsibility, you’re not omnipotent, will be good for you. (All those words strung together, and all We heard was “impotent”.)

After all, a dose of humility doesn’t hurt every now and then. (That depends upon the size of the suppository. (Rectum? I nearly KILLED ‘em.))

Think things over some more. (Alternatively, think things over some more over some more s’mores with Morey Amsterdam and Robert Morse.)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re William Shakespeare.  Forsooth, odds bodkins, and hey nonny nonny.)

How are you really feeling? (Like cold sh1t on warm toast, thanks for asking.)

What do you really want? (Warm sh1t on cold toast?)

By later tonight, expect some action-oriented energy to come your way. (Or at least a sold-out show followed by a tasteful cocktail.)

What do you want to do with it? (Perform the show, drink the cocktail, and create pleasant air currents for people.  Who could ask for anything more?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass…so chunky, you’ll be tempted to eat me with a fork)