I’m just burnin’, doin’ the neutron dance

Greetings, Extroverted Receptionist Intimidates Clients---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, September 20, 2010 (Yes, ladies and gerbils, it’s just another mundane Monday.  (Why THAT song wasn’t a hit, We’ll never know.)  Our smash hit show has closed, but you still have three more chances to see it (We heard you, baiting your breath), next Saturday at Ursinus (You say Ursinus and We say Uranus; you say Uranus and We say Ursinus…), for the low, low price of absolutely nothing, or the following Saturday or Sunday at the Wilmington Fringe.  Stay tuned for details.  Because We KNOW you’re so excited. You just can’t hide it.  You’re about to lose control and you think you like it.):

(My goodness me, that was a musical little paragraph, wunnit?  The Pointer Sisters and everything. (“My goodness me” is one of those phrases that render it almost impossible to maintain One’s Royal We-ness.  (“We-ness”, naturally, rhymes with…well, you know.)  If We were to say “Our goodness Us”, We fear We would obscure Our meaning, and possibly cause all y’all to question Our sanity.  (If you happen to run across Our sanity, send it back here, as We have several questions for it Our Own Selves.))))

(We just received an email inviting Us to a staged reading of a new play.  It named the list of actors who will be participating, finishing up with “…and Sonja R., as Uma Thurman”.  Our interest is, how-you-say, piqued.  Not piqued enough to actually go to the reading, but still.)

(If you can’t beat ‘em, eat ‘em)             

(You may recall Us mentioning that Friday was the last day ever of the fifty-four-year-old soap opera, As the World Turns.  We had, therefore, to delete it from Our VCR (remember those?  Yeah, We’re old. And poor. Poor old Us.), leaving The Young and the Rest Of Us as the only remaining soap thereon.   So on Saturday, We chanced to be in the vicinity of said VCR when it began grinding away for all the world as though it were (subjunctively) about to record The Young and the Rest Of Us. Which, naturally, does not air on Saturdays.  Upon investigation, We discovered that Our VCR had decided it was 2009, thereby rendering September 18^th a Friday instead of a Saturday.  Long-time readers, who are well aware that the time machine has heretofore always been kept in the credenza will perceive the momentous time travel implications of this new wrinkle in the fabric of the time-space continuum.  Why, Katherine Chancellor’s facelifts could begin to unravel right before Our very eyes!)

(We are a little teapot, short and stout.  What We are NOT is a very good typist.  We just accidentally stuck a K into “facelift”. Making it look not unlike “forklift”.  Which could make for some unfortunate confusion, especially if it were One’s own personal face that was on the receiving end.)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

There's really nothing that you can't expand upon, (Indeed.  Witness Our ginormous @ssz.)

from your job, (Well, We DO have a focus group this evening.  Although We find that We are much more focused in the morning.  (Focus in the morning, focus in the evening, fu(k Us at suppertime…))

to your home life to your social activities. (Little Rhoda and her social engagements…(hic).)

The question is if you're ready for the added responsibilities this will all entail. (That was not a question.  (Ask not what your country can do for you, ask which twin has the Toni™.  (She’s a (unt, she’s a (unt, she’s a country girl, she’s a wh0re, she’s a wh0re, she’s a horse rider…)))

(It’s just one pretty ditty after another in here this morning, innit?)

 If you are, go for it. (Go pig or go homo.  As the saying goes.  (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “homo” to “home”.  Home, homo deranged…)

(You DID sing that last bit, yes?  “Home, homo deranged…where the deer and the antelope play.  Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, ‘cause what can an antelope say?”)

 If you're not, put the brakes on. (We’re not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.)

Now.  (One. Word. Does. Not. A. Sentence. Make. Bee-yotch.)

You're not just 'taken' with them. (You’re shaken and baken.  And We hailped.)

You're blown away, (From your lips to…well, come to think of it, your lips should suffice.  It’s a blowj0b after all.)

(You got that you were supposed to sing that to the tune of “It’s A Small World After All”, yes?)

completely fascinated and currently wondering what it is you have to do in order to get closer. (Actually, We’re currently wondering about the fact that “closer” is just one letter away from “loser”.)

You're going through an intense personal growth spurt. (Was that a fat joke?)

You'll notice it more when you're asked to do something you'd never have tried before -- and you pull it off with flying colors. (Flying colors, Our ginormous @ssz.  It’s so much easier to pull things off with flying monkeys.)

Let that last comment slide by. (Well, grease that b1tch up.)

Coming back with a snappy retort might be fun, (Oh, We wouldn’t dream of such a thing.)

but it won't do wonders for your future. (The past is only the future with the lights on.  (See?  We can be deep, too. (With an @ssz this big, how could We not?)))

Hey -- be realistic. (Fu(k that noise.  We wanna be cubist.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Fidel Castro.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

So easy, a cowgrass could do it)