Which was not a happy situation for the wicked witch

Greetings, Excalibur Reinserted Into Concrete---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, September 13, 2010 (Happy belated birthday to Robin, who turned twenty-four over the weekend.  And happy Monday to the rest of all y’all.):

(The only Real Housewives of South Philly show that you can still get tickets for is Tuesday the 14^th; all other shows are SOLD THE FU(K OUT.  So thanks for playing the game and here are some lovely parting gifts.  If you want those Tuesday tickets, go IMMEDIATELY to http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 to buy them, or you’ll have to see Us at the Wilmington Fringe.  In, ya know, Delaware.  Or, alternatively, at Ursinus.  Wherever the h3ll THAT is.)

(If you are fortunate enough to get tickets to The Real Housewives of South Philly,  (which is looking less likely by the second), you may actually have a Jesus sighting.  Here is Jesus’s hit YouTube video, for your viewing and sharing pleasure.)

)

(Our Our-O-Scope)

This astrological moment is quite similar to what Dorothy experienced shortly before tapping her heels together three times. (Really?  A Wizard of Oz reference?  How cliché gay déclassé chardonnay Nanette Fabray.  Jeebus.)

One difference: if you follow your own personal yellow brick road, (Wait…We have Our own road?)

 there'll be no evil witches or flying monkeys to stop you. (Honey, We ARE the evil witch.  

Unfortunately, We can never find Our flying monkeys when We need ‘em.)

It's Glinda all the way for you, baby!  (Fu(king drag queen.)

You're loved, you're respected (And gosh darn it, people like Us.  (In Our dreams, at any rate.))

and you're absolutely sure it's going to last forever. (Mmm-hmm.  Forever.  How ‘bout We start off by seeing if “it” makes it all the way till dinnertime.)

Couldn't get much better, right? (On the other hand, bitter experience teaches Us that it can ALWAYS get worse.)

Especially since it's all true.  (Even the falsies?)

(You will be pleased to know that you were just present as history was made, that being the first time in the history of the English language (or , indeed, any human language whatsoever) that the sentence “Even the falsies?” was uttered.  You’re welcome.)

Your optimism will be impossible to squelch. (That’s Us…the original unsquelchable cockeyed optimist.  (Oh, sure, you scoff, but, seriously, how much squelching can One do with a cock in One’s eye?))

(Lettuce digress for a moo-moo into the linguistic labyrinth that is “squelch”.  The sound, perhaps, that occurs when One belches while queefing.  As a verb, synonymous with “quell”, so perhaps One could quell a squelch.  Micro$oft Weird™ suggests the synonyms “squash” and “quash”, but that way lies madness.  We would try using it in a sentence, but We are uncertain as to whether or nether Raquel Welch could squelch a  belch.)

(These are the sorts of things that go on in what passes for Our mind.  And We only share about one percent of them with all y’all.  Again, you’re welcome.)

Tamping it down is out of the question. (Camping it up, on the other hand, is right up Our alley.  (Hey, Kelli’s the one who started with the Wizard of Oz crap.))

Just don't let it overwhelm the fans!  (Our fans don’t appear to have been properly whelmed in the first place.)

You want to keep them around, right?  (Depends…what have they done for Us lately?)

(Insert squelchy Depends™ joke here.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Raise your hands, raise your hands if you’re cowgrass)