I am Katy Perry, hear me roar

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October 25^rd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to TJ, who may or may not turn twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York.  The city so nice, they made fried rice.  (We have no idea what that means.)  Happy Birthday also to Blaine, who DOES turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  With or without fried rice, but with six, you get egg roll.  (We have no idea what that means either.)

Damn, now We’re hungry for Chinese food.

And We’ll probably be hungry again in half an hour.

That’s not racist; it’s just that We’re pretty sure We’re not getting any food, Chinese or otherwise, in the next half hour.

(Is it just Us, or does “Chinese or otherwise” sound like the beginnings of some manner of ethnic slur?)

Changing ethnicities for the moment,  The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Meanwhile, for Our newly-turned-twenty-four-year-olds above, and the rest of you twenty-four-year-old gentlemen out there, here are Seven Things Every Man Must Do Before He Turns Thirty-Five (sexism NOT Ours, ladies): 

http://parabasis.typepad.com/blog/2013/10/seven-things-every-man-must-do-before-he-turns-35.html

Speaking of Chinamen, it’s been a while since We gave a shout-out/hello to Lex in China.  Lex in China is a self-professed naked skimmer of these e-pisstles, not to be confused with the opera, Nixon in China.  Unlike many of Our other naked skimmers, We have seen this particular one naked.  We can tell you that, because he will no doubt nakedly skim right past it.  Also, he’s in China, so he’ll just be naked again in half an hour.  Of course, if your name is Lex, and you’re naked in China, there’s a whole Gulliver-amongst-the-Lilliputians thing going on, but We’ll bypass that for now.

(What are the odds of Our getting a sext from Lex?)

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, We are currently having a total crap day, because (A.) it’s fucking freezing and (2.) people seem to be doing their level best to make every damn thing more difficult, so We’re just going to re-run yesterday’s “birthday suits and nakediddity” story.

(We mistyped “fucking” as “fuckign” in the preceding.  As suggested replacements, Micro$oft Weird™ offered “bucking”, “ducking”, “tucking”, “lucking”, and “mucking”.  First of all, thanks a lot, Micro$oft Weird™.  Seconal, is “lucking” even a word? And Thurber, where the motherfucking fuckety-fuck was “sucking”?)

{Insert WayBackMachine sound effects here}

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/jimmy-craps-corn-and-i-dont-care.html  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

 {Discontinue WayBackMachine sound effects here}

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays today, We have Katy Perry and Helen Reddy. In honor of the occasion, We went and listened to Ms. Perry’s latest, “Roar”,  for the first time.  Is it just Us, or is this the exact same song as “Firework”?

Whatever you may think of Ms. Reddy’s oeuvre, “Delta Dawn” and “I Am Woman”  are NOT the same song.  Just sayin’.

Family needs are dominant today, so focus what you’ve got on kids, your partner or the old folks back home.  (Oh, and be sure call them “the old folks back home “.  To their faces.  They love that.  Trust Us.)

Whatever you do, expect to get rewarded sevenfold in the medium-term future.  (“Sevenfold”?  “Medium-term”?  What the hell language are you speaking now, AssHatt?)

Recent family problems are finally getting solved today, and the good news is that very soon they will all be gone.  (Oh, yeah.  There’ll be no more family problems at all, once you’ve called ‘em “the old folks back home” a couple of times.)

And when they are, remember to leave them behind — bygones should be left as bygones. (Does anybody else want “bygones” to rhyme with “cojones”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Do not try to get back into a touchy conversation with someone right when they are finally calm again.  (Indeed not.  Because those “the old folks back home” might just fly right off the handle.)

(We got interrupted, and totally forgot that We were supposed to be telling Chinaman jokes.  Sigh.)

(Does this mean that Lex won’t sext Us now?)

You want a new gadget — and you want it now!  (Also, a new Gidget.  But only if We can play in Moondoggie’s Speedo™.)

One of the great things about being single is that you don’t have to ask permission.  (So there’s more than one great thing?)

Indulge in some retail therapy and really enjoy your purchase. (Wow.  Did that come out of reft field or what?)

You deserve it!  (Oh, don’t even get Us started…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Drinking rum and Coca Cola™

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirstyThirdThrowBackThursday, October 24^st, 2013.

Our ever-so-lucky Gentle Readers are about to be the first folks in the known universe to hear that The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today We know not where. John has apparently done away with his SitOnMyFaceBook presence, because he’s a rebel like that.  We have seen John naked once upon a time (more on that in a few moments) and, if We can manage to track him down, We shall attempt to buy him a birthday drink in his birthday suit.

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/jimmy-craps-corn-and-i-dont-care.html  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

 And now We’re back in the present tense (that’s “present tense” as all one phrase, not an attempt to say that We’re in the present, AND We’re tense.  We are no more (nor less) tense than usual (despite the invocation of the image of not one but three lovely pairs of Jeggings™)).

In other news, this just in from Twatter: “Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants”.

Speaking of murder mysteries (in which, presumably, the participants do NOT wear Jeggings™ (Heh…”particiPANTS”…get it?  (Oh, shut up.))), We will be attending this: https://www.facebook.com/events/218428531649303/ this evening.  You, unfortunately, cannot come with Us, as it is sold out.  Because that is just how hip and cool We are; We go to things that SELL OUT.  However, when last We heard, there were tickets remaining for the Friday and Saturday performances, and, as it is doing so well, We imagine they will be bringing it back, so keep an eyeball peeled.

(Eeeeuuuwww.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, it is a deeply disturbing day when We go to Our celebrity birthday website, and, out  of the top ten celebrities born today, We only recognize the name of Number Ten, Y.A. Tittle, and all We know about him (other than his gender) is that he played some sport or other.

(Okay, in the interests of mind-broadening and general edification, We have Googled Y. A. Tittle on Wikipedia.  Not because We care about what sport he played (one set of balls is so like another (Hi, Josh…please feel free to prove Us wrong on that score)), but because We wanted to find out what the “Y.A.” stood for.  Are you ready for this?  “Yelberton Abraham”. )

(Seriously, Mister and Missus Tittle?  “We shall call the baby ‘Yelberton’.”?  Like it’s not bad enough your last name is “Tittle”?  Jeebus.)




You’ve got deeply held emotional business bubbling up to the surface today. (Indeed so.  We are traumatized by imagining Missus Tittle (whose name, We have decided, was “Letitia”, and whose nickname, We have further decided, was “Titzy”) hollering out the backdoor to call young Yelberton in for supper.)

Things may get a little weird later in the day, (Not, of course, as weird as they got at the Tittle household.  Missus Tittle’s maiden name having been, in an odd twist of fate, “Little”.)

but you still need to keep focused on what’s most important to you.  (Jeggings™.)

 Your family obligations are weighing on your mind right now.  (Indeed.   For example, We are grateful to The Sainted Mother for not naming Us Yelberton.  Although We can understand Mister Tittle’s motivation in naming his son thus, his own personal name having been Fritz.  (Which is also understandable, given that his poor mother’s name was Mitzi.))

(We are thinking that, after We finish this e-pisstle, We may have to do some updating on Y.A. Tittle’s Wikipedia page…)

It’s time for a conversation where compromises can be made and harmony can be achieved.  (Ah, harmony.  Makes One think of the Andrews Sisters.  Who, truth be told, were always grateful not to be the Tittle Sisters.  (Wouldn’t YOU be?  Seriously…”Patty Tittle”?))

Honest talk is easy when you know that this other person cares about you unconditionally. (What does using conditioner have to do with anything?)

Misunderstandings were what pushed you apart, so get clarity to get things back on track.  (Lady Clairol™…mix a double batch, and get a snatch to match.)

 Your gut can lead you in the right direction, (Was that a fat joke?)

but you have to be willing to listen. (Borborygmy…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Jimmy craps corn, and I don’t care

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October TwennyTurd, TwennyTurdTeen.  (Hmmm…try saying that out loud.  “TwennyTurdTeen”, We mean.  Except say it a little more like “TwennyNurdNeen”.  (Not like THAT…NEVER go full ‘tard! (No, DON’T say “TwennyTardTeen”….that’s just rude.)))

We’re not fifty words in, and already a ‘tard joke.  And people thought “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week” were rude.

Happy Birthday, before We digress again, to AJ, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You(On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also too to Barry, who also too turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You(On Your) Back. 

Meanwhile, Our ever-so-lucky Gentle Readers are about to be the first folks in the known universe to hear that The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

Faithful Gentle Readers will no doubt recall that We have waxed rhapsodic (carrots) on prior occasions about OurThreeSons.  And here, courtesy of cut-and-paste (and general indolence) are those occasions right now:

{Insert “WayBack Machine” sound effects here.}

Also, Happy Non-Birthday to Evan, who does NOT turn twenty-four (or any other age) today, in Oh, Hai, Ohio, or anywhere else.  Evan apparently sat down the wrong way (sidesaddle?) on his SitOnMyFaceBook and inadvertently (“inadvertently”, which is today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Word Of The Day Du Jour Au Jus (and how long has it been since We’ve had one of those?), means, obviously, “without any adverts”) changed his birthday, which was actually earlier this month.

As We are always One to make cake while the sun shines (yes, We KNOW the expression is “make hay”, but who the fuck wants hay, and besides, mmmmm, cake), We shall use this opportunity to do an instant replay from Our e-pissode on the date of Evan’s actual birthday:

Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Evan, who turned not-quite-twenty-four during Our hiatus, and who is one of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, whom We have previously discussed, most recently here:http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/08/operator-information-get-me-jesus-on.html

That post was on the occasion of the birthday of another one ofOurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans, which has only just now caused Us to reflect on the fact that two of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans are Virgos.  Hmmmm…the third of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans is an Aries like Our Own Self.  We have no idea what that means, but We thought We’d Cher.

Here, for those of Our Gentle Readers who are too lazy to click on the link in the above, is where said link would take you:

Happy Birthday to Johnny, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Johnny is the third of Our Three Sons in the murder mystery.  (We say “third” only because he was the third of them that We met/worked with; We certainly love all of Our Three Sons equally, and we do not discriminate amongst them and their skinny jeans.)

It occurs to Us that We have waxed rhapsodic on the subject of Our Three Sons before (complete with an arcane Fred MacMurray reference), so, lest We repetitively and reiteratively repeat Ourself, We shall simply refer you to said rhapsodic waxation here:http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/07/we-are-si-mese-if-you-prease.html

And once again being the kind of full-service Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) that you all know and love, here is where the above link would take you, if you were (subjunctively) not too lazy to click on it:

We have precious little to report today.  We are off this evening to do Our murder mystery, where We shall be working with the third of Our three sons.  All We know is, the unseen father of these boys must have some serious genes, because these boys can seriously wear them some jeans.  Just sayin’.  We are thinking of writing a spinoff of the murder mystery, in which We remake My Three Sons. Because Fred MacMurray ain’t got nothin’ on Us.  Except in this version, the boys and We run a clothing-optional tropical resort, and Uncle Charlie is---

Ooops…was that all in The Outside Voice?

Hit Us up if you would like to come see Our murder mystery.  Summer being a slow time in murder mystery dinner theatre world (go figger), We may even be able to get you discount tickets.  Plus, you will get to see Our Three Sons.  In Their Jeans.  Of course, the fatal flaw of this show is that, at any given performance, We only have one son at a time.  We shall solve that problem with Our next murder mystery script, in which the boys shall play extremely suspicious Siamese triplets.  At a nudist colony.

Wow.  We sure did manage to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear (whatever the fuck THAT means) out of Our Evan sitting his perky buttocks down askew.

{Insert REVERSE “WayBack Machine” sound effects here.}

And now, We are back in the present.  Isn’t time travel exciting?

(Is anyone else still chuckling over “waxing rhapsodic (carrots)”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

Although many fascinating celebrities were born today, this year, We choose to commemorate the birth of Gummo Marx, notable for inspiring the first and only time in human history that anyone actually uttered the sentence, “And We shall call the child Gummo.”

Your ability to reach other people and make them understand where you’re coming from is pretty amazing (Only to those who haven’t seen OurThreeSons in their Jeggings™.)

— but that doesn’t mean you can’t stumble. (So many fascinating “-umble” words. Only one of which is Bryant Gumbel.  (Many of Our Gentle Readers will be shocked that We know who that is.  We know so many interesting things.))

Pay attention to everything going on around you.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Having lots of charm is nothing new for you, especially today. (Always after me Lots Of Charm…they masturbate the fishes.)

(If going full ‘tard is wrong, going full ‘tard LEPRECHAUN is just pure evil.)

You’re bubbling over with it. (There are so many more fascinating “-umble” words than “-ubble” ones.  Plus, you wind up having to fall back on Barney and Betty Rubble. And the telescope guy.  Who is no Bryant Gumbel.)

All of this magnetism is flowing back to you and helping you keep a positive attitude — that’s why you’re not sweating the small stuff. (A lady doesn’t sweat.  She has hot flashes.)

Flaky or annoying people can’t get you down either. (How flaky are they? And will they butter Our biscuit?)

You’ll just give them a smile (We can turn the world on with Our smile.  We can take a nothing day, and give it a blowjob like Gomer Pyle.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

and keep going on your merry way. (Was that a gay joke?)

It’s also a great day for negotiations.  (And a grand night for singing.)

Your perceptive side helps you pick up information from people without them having to say a word. (And yet, Kelli, you keep blathering on.  AssHatt.)

This skill comes in handy when you need to decode the actions of someone new, so stay alert! (Once a lert, always a lert.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.