Better keep your hands off my potential new boyfriend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TuesdayWeldsCornAndIDon’tCare, January 29, 2013.

Our InterNetz just informed Us that:

Tuesday is the director’s cut of Monday.

You’re welcome.

Meanwhile, you will recall that We were off in search of a piece of equipment (oh, get your minds out of the gutter) for a project whose deadline is looming (We really don’t mean to be so coy about this, but Our desire not to jinx things by talking about them is at war with Our loathing of suffering in silence.  Also, it’s not called “YouPeople’s! Daily! Horoscope!”, so deal and cope, bitches.).  We did in fact trundle Our capacious behind all the way to Radio Shack, where the lonely Maytag repairman in charge of the empty store seemed to know not of what We spoke, then off to Best Buy, where Our choices were limited to exactly one, which We confirmed was correct with someone who worked there, and didn’t Best Buy used to have really bright employees?

FYI Both of these stores, and, in fact, all the stores surrounding them were practically empty, so, if you wanted to get a head start on your 2013 Christmas shopping, next Monday at 2 o’clock in the afternoon would seem to be a good time to do it.  You’re welcome.

We came home, tested Our equipment (did that sound dirty?  We didn’t mean it to), which worked, and did some research.  Today, We have to do the actual project.

We are guessing that most of Our Gentle Readers do not have the option to walk to a Best Buy.  On the other hand, We are confident that they are not jealous, because how much good does it do you to be able to walk to a Best Buy when you want to purchase a flat-screen TV?

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

What a crazy day for birthdays!  On the website from which We obtain such information, the top five celeb birthdays of the day are Oprah, Tom Selleck, Adam Lambert, Sara Gilbert, and President William McKinley.  That’d be some dinner party!  Well, except for McKinley, who probably wouldn’t eat much. Or have much to say.  And would probably smell.  On second thought, let’s not invite him.  We’ll ask Ann Jillian instead.  That’s practically the same thing.

This is one of those days when YouPeople all WISH you were Us, innit?

Take one positive step toward better health today — or more, if you feel it! (Oh, please.  Feel THIS.  Then, go look on Mapquest to see where We hadda walk yesterday to get to Radio Shack and Best Buy (with Our first-ever stop at Shop Rite on the way back, because We needed sustenance and the Ack-A-Me was out of the way).  Don’t you tell Us about “one positive step”.  AssHat.)

Now is the best possible time to make sure that you’re feeling better for the coming times of strife and action!   (Oh, goody!  There’s strife to look forward to!)

The people in power are relying on your discernment to help them make the right decisions. (Then the people in power are, how you say, fucked.  Discernment?  Us?  Seriously?)

 Do not hold back how you really feel, (No fuckin’ shit, bitch!)

but you might want to consider softening your harshest feelings with a gloss of charm and diplomacy.  (And We are nothing if not charming and diplomatic.  Especially when We are wearing lip gloss.)

You are becoming a very valuable collaborator. (Which is totally different than a very collectible vibrator.  Trust Us. We won’t make THAT mistake again.)

Like a lighthouse in a foggy night,  (Or, like a metaphor in a morass of moronic verbiage.)

you will serve as a life-saving beacon to some important and very confused people today.   (Well, bacon is good and all, but We’re not sure how it could save somebody’s life.  (Confused?  Who’s confused?))

Your instincts are right on target, so speak up if and when you smell a rat.  (See, “smell a rat” is one of those colorful old sayings that has somewhat lost its potency.  Perhaps it could be reinvigorated by being updated to “smell a rat’s ass”.)

(You’re welcome.)

Life is totally hectic right now, (We are too busy to stop and argue with you.)

but that doesn’t mean you have to wallow in your own schedule. (But may We root in Our own schedule for truffles?  Mais oui?)

Block out some time to do something you love.   (Wait…did Johnny Depp rescind the restraining order?)

Whether it’s trawling the dating sites or getting a massage, treat yourself. (Well, first off, if going on dating sites is really your idea of Us “treating Ourself”, perhaps “trawling” is a poor word choice.  And Dinah Manoff, if We’re getting a massage, someone else is treating Us, unless We’re paying for it, in which case, We can be treated better than just a massage.  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.  Slut.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Livin’ la vida loca

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  TurtleBay, February 16, 2012.  For those of you who enjoy glimpses into the behind-the-scenes inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope, We just typed that first sentence, then went off to Google “Turtle Bay” on Wikipedia, because We have no idea where it is, because We’re geographically challenged like that.  An hour of WorldWideInterWebNetz later, it occurred to Us that We should really wander back here and continue e-pisstling on Our Gentle Readers.  Clearly, We have the attention span of a …oh, look; a balloon!

We still don’t know where the fuck Turtle Bay is.

In still other news, further Googling on Wikipedia confirms that We are the only person on the WorldWideInterWebNetz who is calling them “WorldWideInterWebNetz”.  So much for Our plot to start a meme.  (You coaxed the blues right outta the horn…Meme!)

Wow.  That was really gay.  Moving on…

Here are a few random observations from various corners of the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

A city is a city. A town is a town. A fart is a kiss if you're upside down!‏

 

Is anybody else a little creeped out by the idea of gay sex now that We know that Rick Santorum thinks about it all the time?

 

Would more people watch Doctor Who if it were (subjunctively) called Doctor Hoo-Hoo?

 

As you can see clearly now, the rain has gone.  Also, We got nothin’.  Also also, all obstacles in Our way.

Speaking of Oscars™, We are practically ready to pop with pride as We anticipate premiering Our Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes.  But, in the meantime, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends.  (We don’t know why We keep saying that.  You don’t do it, and We have no idea why.  Don’t you wish your SitOnMyFaceBook friends a happy birthday on their SitOnMyFaceBook walls?  Just drop the following link in the box first.  Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

 

And now, Boy George, Adam Lambert, and Ricky Martin fistfuck Rick Santorum.  All at the same time.  Of course, first, they’ll have to get his head outta there.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

You need to deal with your cultural longings today — soak up some art, take in a concert or just browse photos online until your clicking finger is sore. (Oh, please.   Just last week, We spent an entire day in a museum.  Because We’re cultured like that.  Meanwhile, “browse photos online until your clicking finger is sore”?  The hell?  What is that, a description of Rick Santorum’s sex life?)

 

Your great energy guarantees some real finds!  (Lookee there!  A seven word sentence completely devoid of any meaning whatsoever!)

 

Paying close attention (Sorry…what did you say?)

 

to how you come off (We’d rather pay close attention to how We GET off.)

 

to other people (Wait…other people?!?)

 

is not vain or silly (Or sane or villy.  Of course, “villy” isn’t actually a word.  And yet, “willy-nilly” is.  Also "Willy Nelson".  Also also, "Willy Nelson's willy".  Life is so unfair.)

 

— it’s actually quite practical. (In all fairness, We should point out that, unlike Kelli’s previous asshatted vacuous mewling, this sentence would have made some sense.  Had We (subjunctively) not interrupted it five times.)

 

After all, having a good reputation is very important. (Having a good amputation, on the other hand…)

 

(Heh.  Get it? Amputation…other hand…)

 

(No, really.  It’s kind of existentially funny.  In a “sound of one hand clapping” kind of way.)

 

(Oh, shut up.)

 

It can open doors and influence people to listen to what you have to say.  (But will they watch Our videos?)

 

So pay more attention to how credible and honorable you seem. (Sincerity is everything.  If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)

 

Your reputation should be one of your primary concerns, so take care to show yourself in the best light. (It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.  You fucking darkness!)

 

That means you need to dress for success, do your research and be confident!  (All at the same time?  Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.  (Stick a broom up Rick Santorum’s ass, and he’ll skywrite “Surrender Dorothy”.))

 

As much as you’d like to be the personification of tact, (As you may have guessed, “The Personification Of Tact” was NOT Our nickname in high school.)

 

it might be best if you were frank (Frank who?  Frank Lloyd Wrong?  Anna May Wong?  Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.)

 

(What?)

and open with a friend who needs a good dose of common sense. (Or a good dose of the one hand clap.)

 

(Ping.)

 

Playing it safe won’t do your pal any favors.  (Flaying serapes…palsy flavors…nope, We still got nothin’.)

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Your looks are laughable, unphotographable

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for IfIt’sTuesdayThisMustBeBelching, February 14, 2012.  It has come to Our attention that, due to Our absence from The City Of Brotherly Love Handles and the intervening weekend, We have been completely remiss in not wishing a very happy twenty-fourth birthday to Abraham Lincoln, hence today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us.

(Yes, We are aware that “today’s…Pixture Du Jour” is redundant.  We are also aware that “Jus” does not rhyme with “Us”.  We are further aware that fuck you.)

Those of you who know Us personally and are somewhat familiar with Our personal habits and routines will be shocked-We-tell-you-shocked to hear that, since Our return, We have not so much as set foot in the Ack-A-Me.  Saturday and Sunday We ate Things That Were Found In Our Freezer for $500, Alex (hey, We hadda eat ‘em before CSI identified ‘em), and yesterday Our Sistah Ovella and We were The Ladies Who Lunch in Souf Philly.  Speaking of which, We have the most amazing new place to go out to lunch.  No, We’re not gonna tell you, We’re gonna make you take Us there.  Trust Us, if you wanna be as out to lunch as We are, you will love it.

Speaking of Oscars™, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

You are no doubt wondering, especially if you are a naked skimmer of long standing (and if you are a naked skimmer, you should be standing, lest you leave butt prints on the chair (also, if you are THE naked skimmer who We always picture when We say “naked skimmer”, you should drop a person a line)), when We are going to begin Our annual screed about the dreaded VD.  Well, having reviewed last year’s screed, We found that We would be hard-pressed to improve upon it, so here it is:

(Before We begin, We would like to alert Erix Daily Horoscope scholars, and students of the future who may be writing dissertations on these e-pisstles that, for some reason, The Royal We is not employed in the following e-pissode.  Make of that what you will.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 14, 2011.  Happy VD to One and All, Monte Hall, All and Sundry, and Solomon Grundy.  May all your chancres be pustulent, and may all your pustules be chancrous.  May your pubic lice dance a conga line around your anal warts as your Chlamydia sing the Hallelujah Chorus in B Flat Minor.  May it burn both when you pee, and when you are peed upon.

Who says I can’t get into the holiday spirit?  Those were some LOVELY VD sentiments, if I do say so myself.  Why I don’t have a jawb writing Hallmark™ cards, I haven’t got any idea.

I did, of course, have to pause in mid-poetic licentiousness to Google “Who the fu(k is Solomon Grundy?” on Wikipedia.  Then, of course, I was sorry I asked.

Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that I might like to end the first paragraph with a question mark, as in “…when you are peed upon?”  I think it is confusing “when you are peed upon” with “pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon™?”, which is actually an entirely different fetish into which we shall most assuredly not be delving here.

If you focus all of your attention on the fact that I actually just used the word “delving”, you will probably be able to drive all those “Dirty Sanchez” thoughts right out of your head.  You’re welcome.

I really shouldn’t complain so about VD.  I did, at least, get my annual VD card from Johnny Depp.    Why he can’t be a little more attentive the OTHER three hundred and sixty-four days of the year is a mystery to me. (Is it just me, or, when one says “VD card” instead of spelling it out, doesn’t it sound like it should come from a clinic, and contain phrases like “one of your sexual partners who wishes to remain anonymous” and “please report for blood testing”?)

In other news, did any of YouPeople see the Leonardo DiCaprio fillum Inception? Confusing, no?  Imagine how much MORE confusing if you fell asleep for a little while in the middle, and had a nightmare while you were out, then woke up and watched the rest of the movie without having a clue as to what you’d missed.  I would have tried to go back and figger it all out, but Leonardo didn’t so much send a VD card this year.

I wonder if that little mid-movie nappy-poo is the reason I found myself Up An Adam (heh) at the crack of ass this morning? (I was up SO early, in fact, that when I typed “Up An Adam” just now, I couldn’t think of a single celebrity named Adam.  So I went to Google “Adam” on Wikipedia and see what came up, but I got distracted Googling “Leonardo DiCaprio naked” instead.  When I finally got around to Googling “Adam”, the first hits were “Adam Sandler”, “Adam Lambert”, and a couple of other Adams I didn’t know from Adam.)

I’d better start the horoscope before this deteriorates any further.  Or before Himself gets out of bed and tries to “contribute”.  (Yeah, like THAT could happen.)

Happy VD! (Yes, she did actually use the words.  Yes, I edited it.  Because I Have That Power.)

Yes, it’s here. (By “here”, of course, she means “it burns where I pee”.)

Finally. (Finally the finale, sneaking through the alley with Sally.  Couldja start the fu(kin’ horoscope already, asshat?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ seems not to think that “asshat” is a word.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ has never met Kelli the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist).  It suggests that I might want to replace it with, amongst other things, “asphalt”.  Which is, oddly enough, NOT one of the things it suggests I might use to replace “assfart”  Which is a word I just made up.  As opposed to “asshat”. Which is, as we all know, a perfectly legitimate word, meaning wearing one’s ass as a hat, putting Uranus where your mouth is, and spewing forth shit into The Universe.)

Now, knowing you (Which you DON’T.)

— the most notorious of the three fire signs, all of whom are famous for procrastination (Dat’s me, da infamous rapper, Notorious Pee.)

— you need to get busy and get some shopping done. (Mmm-hmm.  Because nothing says “VD” like pushing a cart through the Ack-A-Me on Double Coupon Day.  How the hell did I get from “Leonardo DiCaprio naked”  to THIS?)

Okay, then, it’s time to kick it into gear. (Honey, if I start kicking it, I may not stop until I kick it into the middle of next week.)

Take a long lunch (It’s not even nine o’clock in the morning yet.  Lunch?)

and take this list along with you: at least one rose, a loving but absolutely not overly sappy card, and, if you feel it’s appropriate, a little gift — something that will let your sweetheart know how special they are. (VD…the gift that keeps on giving.)

That’s for starters. (And Beano™’s for farters.  What’s your point?)

The rest you can play by ear. (If I could play by ear, I’d have my own band.  Any idiot can blow the bass player.  (No, I have no idea what I’m talking about.  Why do you ask?))

You feel more productive than ever today (Gastrointestinally, at any rate.)

— but you may not have much choice on what you get done. (How ‘bout WHO I get done?  Can I at least choose that?)

 It’s one of those days when you are sure that there’s something still left to do. (So many men, so little time.)

 You haven’t tortured yourself (Why bother, when The Universe is so eager to do it for me?)

over that one particular ex in a while, (It’s so much easier to bury ‘em in the basement, now that I own a house.)

but right now it’s weighing heavily on your heart. (Not, of course, as heavily as the chainsaw weighed on theirs, but still…)

Now is the time to say good-bye. (So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, fu(k off.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.