Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TurtleBay, February 16, 2012. For those of you who enjoy glimpses into the behind-the-scenes inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope, We just typed that first sentence, then went off to Google “Turtle Bay” on Wikipedia, because We have no idea where it is, because We’re geographically challenged like that. An hour of WorldWideInterWebNetz later, it occurred to Us that We should really wander back here and continue e-pisstling on Our Gentle Readers. Clearly, We have the attention span of a …oh, look; a balloon!
We still don’t know where the fuck Turtle Bay is.
In still other news, further Googling on Wikipedia confirms that We are the only person on the WorldWideInterWebNetz who is calling them “WorldWideInterWebNetz”. So much for Our plot to start a meme. (You coaxed the blues right outta the horn…Meme!)
Wow. That was really gay. Moving on…
Here are a few random observations from various corners of the WorldWideInterWebNetz:
A city is a city. A town is a town. A fart is a kiss if you're upside down!
Is anybody else a little creeped out by the idea of gay sex now that We know that Rick Santorum thinks about it all the time?
Would more people watch Doctor Who if it were (subjunctively) called Doctor Hoo-Hoo?
As you can see clearly now, the rain has gone. Also, We got nothin’. Also also, all obstacles in Our way.
Speaking of Oscars™, We are practically ready to pop with pride as We anticipate premiering Our Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes. But, in the meantime, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends. (We don’t know why We keep saying that. You don’t do it, and We have no idea why. Don’t you wish your SitOnMyFaceBook friends a happy birthday on their SitOnMyFaceBook walls? Just drop the following link in the box first. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.):
And now, Boy George, Adam Lambert, and Ricky Martin fistfuck Rick Santorum. All at the same time. Of course, first, they’ll have to get his head outta there. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You need to deal with your cultural longings today — soak up some art, take in a concert or just browse photos online until your clicking finger is sore. (Oh, please. Just last week, We spent an entire day in a museum. Because We’re cultured like that. Meanwhile, “browse photos online until your clicking finger is sore”? The hell? What is that, a description of Rick Santorum’s sex life?)
Your great energy guarantees some real finds! (Lookee there! A seven word sentence completely devoid of any meaning whatsoever!)
Paying close attention (Sorry…what did you say?)
to how you come off (We’d rather pay close attention to how We GET off.)
to other people (Wait…other people?!?)
is not vain or silly (Or sane or villy. Of course, “villy” isn’t actually a word. And yet, “willy-nilly” is. Also "Willy Nelson". Also also, "Willy Nelson's willy". Life is so unfair.)
— it’s actually quite practical. (In all fairness, We should point out that, unlike Kelli’s previous asshatted vacuous mewling, this sentence would have made some sense. Had We (subjunctively) not interrupted it five times.)
After all, having a good reputation is very important. (Having a good amputation, on the other hand…)
(Heh. Get it? Amputation…other hand…)
(No, really. It’s kind of existentially funny. In a “sound of one hand clapping” kind of way.)
(Oh, shut up.)
It can open doors and influence people to listen to what you have to say. (But will they watch Our videos?)
So pay more attention to how credible and honorable you seem. (Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)
Your reputation should be one of your primary concerns, so take care to show yourself in the best light. (It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. You fucking darkness!)
That means you need to dress for success, do your research and be confident! (All at the same time? Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it. (Stick a broom up Rick Santorum’s ass, and he’ll skywrite “Surrender Dorothy”.))
As much as you’d like to be the personification of tact, (As you may have guessed, “The Personification Of Tact” was NOT Our nickname in high school.)
it might be best if you were frank (Frank who? Frank Lloyd Wrong? Anna May Wong? Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.)
and open with a friend who needs a good dose of common sense. (Or a good dose of the one hand clap.)
Playing it safe won’t do your pal any favors. (Flaying serapes…palsy flavors…nope, We still got nothin’.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.