Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for President’s Day, February 20, 2012. Happy belated birthday to BoBoB, who turned twenty-four over the weekend. Also, happy belated birthday to Pete, who also turned twenty-four over the weekend, but who is not the same Pete who used to date BoBoB. And happy birthday to Katie, who turns twenty-four today. We must just dash through this e-pisstle today, as We have yet to put Our President’s Day tree up, and We still have to go shopping to buy the President something.
We did, naturally, have to drop by long enough to share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video with you. We are extra-specially pleased with how this one turned out. In addition to the usual brilliant artistic efforts of Our geen-yuss director, Joe Garwood, We are joined in this month’s e-pissode by Barrymore-Award-winning thespian, Michael Doherty. Smell Us.
Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our video with your friends: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4
Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, wants Us to change “extra-specially” to “especially”. How boring is that?
And now, Charlene Tilton bakes President’s Day cookies. Which look uncannily like Millard Fillmore. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
(Does anyone actually have a mental image of what Millard Fillmore looked like? Us neither.)
You should find that people are easier to get along with today, (Wait…We have to deal with people? On a holiday?!?)
thanks to some great energy that brings you closer together socially. (We can hardly wait.)
It’s a good time to build bridges (And yet, not a very good time to Beau Bridges.)
and to check in with distant allies. (Leave it to Our allies to be far away. Also, leave it to Bieber. (One does vaguely wonder if a cease-and-desist order will be forthcoming.))
You can breathe a great big sigh of relief today (We can also fart The 1812 Overture, and queef The Star-Spangled Banner.)
(Not to mention the tricks We can do with a Jew’s harp.)
(No, really…don’t mention them.)
— that issue you were afraid would rear its ugly head at the last minute is not going to be bothering you, at least not today. (Oh, yay. Something to look forward to for tomorrow.)
No monkey wrench is going to be thrown into any of your plans! (But look out for that lemur screwdriver!)
This release of tension (Euphemism much?)
will certainly put a smile on your face today. (CLEARLY a euphemism.)
There is a new hopefulness in your life right now, and it is inspiring all kinds of new ways of doing things. (Jigga wutt?)
Your flexibility is at an all-time high, so get ready to stretch! (Oh, that’s gonna leave a mark.)
Dwelling on the minutiae is no way to start the morning. (It is, however, a helluva title for some really boring memoirs.)
In fact, if you can’t greet the day with a kind face and a warm embrace, (Have We met?)
maybe you should just go back to bed or spend some time alone. (Didn’t this mess all start out with her telling Us how social We were gonna be today? Does she not listen to herself talk? Asshat.)
Why hang on to such toxic stuff on such a beautiful day? (Who else is gonna poison Our enemies?)
Let it go! (Kelli, you startled Us! We almost started farting The 1812 Overture, and queefing The Star-Spangled Banner AT THE SAME TIME! )
(You’re picturing that now, aren’t you? You lucky, lucky people.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.