Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WednesdayTheMoonIsInTheSeventhHouse, February 15, 2012. (It was a stretch, We know. We hope it doesn’t leave marks.) Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in Humponia. (Two potential jokes diverged in a wood, and We? We could not decide whether to pursue the one in which we pondered that, if “Hampers” is a short form of “Happy Campers”, what might “Humpers” be a short form of? Or the one in which “Humpette” inspired Us to list other characters omitted from the musical version of Les Miserables, e.g. Briquette, Banquette, Cigarette, Courgette…)
Alrighty, then. Now that Robert Frost and Victor Hugo are both rotating rapidly in their respective receptacles, let’S move on. (That capital S is not a typo. “let’S” is, of course, a contraction for “lettuce”, and the S is thus subject to capitalization through the use of The Royal Endive. (Which is really only funny if you pronounce it “ahn-DEEV” instead of “EN-dive”, so We’ll wait here while you go back and read it properly.))
Moving on…you will recall that recently, We acquired Ourself a new medicine man, in the person of a pediatrician named Doogina Howser (with apologies to Neil Patrick Harris (on second thought, fuck him…he doesn’t call, he doesn’t write…)). We are subsequently less than impressed with her acumen, as it appears that she has hired minions who are incapable of properly operating a fax machine. Or of listening to instructions on the phone without interrupting. Sigh. Our life, it is a trial.
But enough about Us…what do YOU think of Us? We trust you all had all the VD you could stand yesterday, and that you are currently on a ten-day course of broad spectrum antibiotics. Shank-shank-shank, shank-shank-shank, shank your chancre, shank your chancre…
Oh, dear. Have We gotten that song stuck in your heads now? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad. We certainly hope you have all taken Our advice and are watching The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. If you are not, please be advised that the episodes are totally stand-alone, so you could tune in next Monday and not have to worry about what you missed. Plus, now that they’ve thinned the herd (as it (subjunctively) were) a bit, Willam and his bon mots will no doubt be getting more airtime.
How many of you thought “bon mots” was something dirty? Y’all don’t get out much, do ya? Here’s hoping all your mots are bon. And all your balls are matzoh.
The cunning linguistics, We has them.
Speaking of Oscars™, We are practically ready to pop with pride as We anticipate premiering Our Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes. But, in the meantime, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends. (We don’t know why We keep saying that. You don’t do it, and We have no idea why. Don’t you wish your SitOnMyFaceBook friends a happy birthday on their SitOnMyFaceBook walls? Just drop the following link in the box first. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.):
In still other news, while Our VD did not include Justin Timberlake sending Us his dick in a box, We did receive Our annual VD greeting from Mister Johnny Depp, for which We are eternally grateful. (We bring that up mainly because We didn’t want to leave Willam and Neil Patrick Harris stuck in the celebrity index with no one to amuse them but Robert Frost and Victor Hugo. Because how boring would that be?)
Random Charlene Tilton reference. (Now that SHE’S in there, Robert frost and Victor Hugo aren’t gonna know what hit ‘em.) Aaaaaaand here’s the HorrorScope:
Your emotions are ruling your actions today, (Also, Our commotions are ruling Our ructions. Which is, for the most part, just a really wordy fart joke.)
which could get somewhat embarrassing if your timing is off. (Even more embarrassing if Our pants are off.)
Just try to focus on stuff that means something to you and leave the rest for tomorrow. (Focus on the fracas or the ficus will fuck Us.)
(What? We are speaking in tongues. Erix Daily Horoscope: the religious experience. (We’re pretty sure We’ve heard people say “Oh, Christ!” several times now.))
Someone who is usually quite introverted isn’t going to be shy at all today — because she or he has some great news and wants to share it with the world! (The world is, no doubt, waiting with bated breath. (No, We’re not gonna start THAT again.))
This news won’t exactly be earth-shattering to you, but you should try to show as much enthusiasm and support as you can — even if you’re not quite feeling it. (So, in other words, We should lie? Alrighty, then.)
Your encouragement will go a long way toward making this person feel proud. (What if We’d rather they feel plowed?)
(That was a little Chinese joke. You’ll be amused again half an hour later.)
Feeling introverted today? (Didn’t she just ask Us this the other day? Has she met Us?)
You don’t always have to be the life of the party. (It’s so much more fun to be the death of it. Or Bertha Venation. (That’s a Harvey Fierstein joke. (Johnny Depp and Justin Timberlake are gonna be really pissed now.)))
Give into your urge to be solitary, but try not to brood. (Also, try not to breed.)
It’s okay to have spend time apart from pals (Also, keep your distance from palsy.)
as long as it doesn’t turn into depression. (Around here, We are just manic for depression.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.