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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Still I can’t get started with you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherWhackJobWednesday, February 8, 2012.  Happy Hump Day to all, and to all A Good Hump.  We are somewhat nonplussed, as Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us this morning that someone has arrived in these hallowed pages by searching “толстые мужчины”. Now, We don’t know about you (We really don’t (although We frequently picture you, nakedly skimming, and moving your lips while you read)), but We are fairly certain that We have never used the phrase “толстые мужчины” in these e-pisstles in Our life.  Mainly because We have no earthly idea how to actually spell “толстые мужчины”, and We wouldn’t know how to make Our keyboard do it if We did.  “толстые мужчины”, indeed!

You can see what sort of day it’s been so far.  Ze creative juices, zey flow not.

In other news, you may or may not be surprised to learn that We have decided to do that thing We were trying to decide whether or not to do.  You also may or may not be surprised to learn that, despite being British, and therefore having a different definition of “football” than you Yanks (you define it as “that game they play in the Super World Series Bowl”, We define it as “excruciatingly boring, with singularly unattractive costumes”), We do understand what a “Hail Mary pass” is.

Meanwhile, We would like to make a new rule regarding the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  every day, We should be allowed to go to the homes of three people We encounter on said WorldWideInterWebNetz, and punch them right in their fat little faces.  KThxBye.

Speaking of Oscars™, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends:

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos, which no doubt influenced Our friends the Jews for Jesus to ask for Our help.   Especially the “pick things up and put them down” parody:

And now, Charlene Tilton does an interpretive dance based on толстые мужчины. Also, here’s the HorrorScope:

Your daring side is you in force today, (May the Force be with you. (And also with you.))

(What do We want?
Non sequiturs.
When do We want ‘em?

(That’s not nearly as funny as the Tourette’s syndrome one.)

and you may find that you need to push for something bigger, better and bolder. (Or at least a little more alliterative.)

If your people can’t get behind it, (Again with “Our people”.)

then you need to step up and push harder.  (We are pretty sure that somewhere within the preceding two sentences was a thinly veiled fat joke. (We are also entirely sure that there is no such thing as a fatly-veiled thin joke.))


Not every day can be a fantastic day. (How much star-gazing did you have to do to reach THAT conclusion?  Asshat.)

Today there won’t be much expansion or progress in any of your projects — generally, excitement will be missing from this day. (Yippee.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

But one dud of a day doesn’t have to get you down. (How could We possibly be down?  It’s Nick Nolte’s birthday.)

(There goes that non sequitur thing again.)

Trust that imperceptible changes are happening all around you (Why?  Because you say so?  You just now figgered out that not every day can be a fantastic day…why should We listen to your addle-pated ass?)

— and they will soon propel you toward your goals. (So will farting.)

Be patient, (Have We met?)

and trust that things will happen when they are meant to happen. (Yeah.  That’ll work.)

Your stamina is at an all-time high. (Mmm-hmm.  It’s up there with Our annoyance level.  And Our frustration.)

Use it to your advantage to accomplish that never-ending to-do list. (Does “never-ending to-do list” sound like anyone else’s definition of hell?)

Grab your party pals (Jigga WHO?)

(Who said “boo”?  Go sit in the time-out chair.)

and hit the clubs to put your energy level to the test.  (Zzzzzzzz….sorry; what?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.