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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, February 29, 2012.  Happy Hump Day.  And Happy Leap Day.  Remember to hump before you leap.  Or is it leap before you hump?  Sigh.  One suspects that this is going to be a very confusing day, what with all the humping and leaping.  Much like that Christmas carol…you know, twelve lords a-leaping, eleven ladies of the evening humping, ten crackheads piping, FIVE ONION RINGS, and a partridge in a pear tree.

We hate that song.

As you can see, We are completely devoid of humor in here this morning.  Good thing We have a sketch comedy rehearsal this evening.  We should be REALLY funny by then.  Speaking of which, amidst all the leaping and humping, it is time for Us to begin engaging in some Our-Own-hornblowing (if only…).  Do please get your tickets now for The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness!, playing one night only, Tuesday, March 13 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club:  https://www.seatengine.com/redesign/eventDetails.aspx?venueslug=helium-comedy-club&id=897

Thank you.

In a desperate effort to unearth some amusement, We went back to last Leap Day’s e-pissode.  February 29, 2008 was, of course, prior to Our debut in Bloggonia, and was, in fact, prior to Our (Our “Our” meaning Us, Starzina) taking over the writing of these e-pisstles from Himself.  Back then, these horoscopes were just an email that went out to fifty or sixty of Himself’s closest friends.  Now, of course, it is a virtual cottage industry. (Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much demand for virtual cottages.)

Herewith is that e-pissode, wherein Himself doesn’t even so much as mention Leap Day (whereas We just used “herewith”, “wherein”, and “whereas” all in the same sentence.  Smell. Us.):

‘Cause I’m not beautiful like you, I’m beautiful like me.‏


Greetings, Eccentric Retailer Invalidates Coupons---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 29, 2008  (Uh-huh.  Friday.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  Actually, I’ll believe it when I am NOT awakened by an alarm tomorrow morning.  Of course, THIS morning I was awakened by an alarm, then, just as I was contemplating a position for my first snooze alarm….LEG CRAMP!  Jeebus!  My leg is STILL not right, and it’s over an hour and a half later. My advice to YouPeople: don’t get old.) :

(Of course, this being the six kabillion and eleventy-twelfth horoscope in this never-ending week, I have already shot my proverbial wad (heh) of The Funny some days ago.  So don’t expect too much…you’ll mostly just have to be content with visions of me not only waking up, but waking up screaming.   (What sick senses of humor YouPeople have…who let all y’all in here?))

Once again, you lead the way onward to the next step. (The “next step” would be that, in a month’s time, assuming my tired, battered old body lets me live that long, I shall be living in the MyNewHouse.  Which will, no doubt, immediately spontaneously combust, this being My Life and all, but still.)

You might be pushing the envelope at work (Alternatively, I might be pushing water uphill.  Because, ya know, it’s WORK, and all. (Note to Self:  Buy PowerBall™ ticket.))
 or getting your family to agree to a more involved vacation than usual, (Amended Note to Self:  Buy WINNING PowerBall™ ticket.  No WONDER this hasn’t been working out.)
but you should make it happen with ease.  (And grease…make it happen with grease.  Because grease is, ya know, the word.)

Tell your inner critic to be extra kind when you are dealing with evaluating other people today. (Kiss me quick….I’m Simon Cowell.  (Where the h3ll did THAT come from?  (My wad of The Funny….clearly long ago shot it is.  I hope I didn’t get any on ya.)))

It can be quite demanding sometimes, and having high expectations is not going to help you get important people on your side -- and you definitely need them to be on your side right now! (Riiiiight….because I’m sure they’re all just gonna LINE UP to help me move.  Because they are MOVERS, the important people.  And Shakers, but let’s not bring religion into this.  (Heh.  Apparently, I had one little squirt of The Funny left. (Ooops, did that go in your eye?)))

There are many more ways of doing things than you realize, (And here I was, being all experty in the many ways of doing NOTHING.)
so keep an open mind (My mind is fully dilated. The pains are only two minutes apart.  Aaaaand…here comes Athena out of my forehead.   Aaaaand…..here comes Afterbirthena out of my forehead.  (Apparently, my The Funny has the refractory period of a nineteen-year-old.  Who knew?))
 and listen to what people are saying. (I’m sorry….what?  (Heh.  See what I did there?  (Oh, what the h3ll do yOU care, MizDonna, off on vacation in Las Vegas. Sigh.  *I* need a vacation.  Why oh why didn’t I buy a beach house, instead of a regular house?))

It's time for you to let someone else teach you something for a change.  (Fu(k change….folding money, Bay-Bee!)

Something new -- big or small -- will breathe fresh life into your romantic pursuits. (See, not having just fallen off of the proverbial turnip truck (and what ANYBODY is gonna do with a truckload of turnips being totally beyond Us), We are well aware that “breathe fresh life into your romantic pursuits” is a euphemism for “blow up your inflatable s3x doll”.   Which, while it is lovely that Kelli is apparently telling Us that someone will come along to do that for Us, is not QUITE as lovely as if said someone came along to obviate the need for said inflatable s3x doll in the first place.  Sigh.)

Whether it's a new lip gloss or tie, or something a little grander (designer shoes, anyone?  (I would just like to point out, for the skimmers among you, that the first set of parentheses here, the ones that enclosed the phrase “designer shoes, anyone?” were Kelli’s not mine.  Because, really.  “Designer shoes, anyone?”  The h3ll?)),
 it'll give you a new lease on love.   (Lease?  Lease is not the word.  Grease…grease is the word.  Try to pay attention.)

(And now for something completely different…here are YOUR horoscopes.  Happy weekend.  Assuming it really IS one.)

And now, We’re back in 2012. And, as a courtesy to Our 2016 self, We are now going to include yesterday’s explanation of Leap Year here, as this is the first place We will no doubt look next Leap Year when We are desperately casting about for material: 


How We Got Our Current Calendar

Once upon a time, the world was run according to the Julian calendar, which was based, as most things were back in the day, on Julie Newmar’s menstrual cycle.  Unfortunately for people in those unenlightened times, Julie Newmar’s menstrual cycle was not exactly the poster child for regularity (said poster child being, of course, Fatty Arbuckle’s bowel movements), so it would sometimes be Thursday for several weeks running, and once, October was skipped altogether.  (This historic period (heh) was later documented in the film To Wong Foo, Thanks For Nothing, Julie Newmar. ) Finally, after a particularly grueling three-week-long Monday that showed no signs of abating (and involved a notably bizarre asymmetric water-weight gain), Gregory Peck got fed up and invented the Gregorian calendar (and Gregorian chanting, but that’s a story for another e-pissode), in which units of time were correlated to the length of (you guessed it) his pecker (perverts), which conveniently never varied, Gregory Peck having been the only man in recorded history whose penis was the exact same size both erect and flaccid, and who, therefore, lent his name to its nickname, “pecker”.  Julie Newmar, who by this time was appearing on the TV series Batman, but who had long since ceased having a menstrual cycle (although she did once, under the influence of LSD, appear in a minstrel show), invoked a little known clause in her contract (and blackmailed Cesar Romero and Frank Gorshin with some rather licentious photos involving Burt Ward’s (you guessed it) pecker) to force the Screen Actors’ Guild to invent Leap Year.

And that, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, is How We Got Our Current Calendar.  You’re welcome.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  Speaking of birthdaqys, only one more shopping day till Justin Bieber’s 18th birthday.  Would it be rude to play Pin-the-Dick-on-the-Bieber at his birthday party?

                 

And now, Charlene Tilton leaps and humps simultaneously.  Because she’s professional like that. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

You’ve got to be as direct as possible with colleagues and friends today — (Okay, you stupid twat.)

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

 though a little tact wouldn’t hurt! (NOW she tells Us!)

 

Try to make sure that you’re not just telling everyone what to do this time.  (1. Leap. 2. Hump. 3. Repeat.)

 

A confusing yet charming person will come into your life today, (Some people get Prince Charming; We get Prince Confusing.  Our whirled, and welcome to wit.)

 

and they will have lots of sweet talk for you. (You sweet talker, Danny Blocker. (If you realized who Dan Blocker was after only thinking about it for a moment, it’s time for your Geritol™.  If you didn’t even have to think about it, it’s too late for your Geritol™.  (Do they even still MAKE Geritol™? (Yes…whew!  We’d hate to be irrelevant.))))

 

 

However, their flattery could cause you to ask questions instead of blush.  (Flattery will get you silverware.  (What does that even mean?))

 

This is a good sign (As is “Slippery when wet”.  It’s useful for so many occasions.)

 

— it means they can offer you more than just an ego boost. (Why doesn’t somebody invent an ego booster seat?  Seriously.  Phone books are SO last century.)

 

The two of you have something rare in common.  (Opposable thumbs?)

 

Attracting ‘em probably isn’t the issue now — it’s determining whether they’re attractive to you. (Yeah.  ‘Cause We always have so many competing for Our attention to choose from.)

 

 Of course, there’s the initial physical angle, (How acute.)

 

but investigate their heart and mind prior to getting too carried away. (Like We always say, the way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage, with a chainsaw.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.