Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherTwistedTuesday, February 7, 2012. (Why didn’t they make a sequel to that “Manic Monday” song after it was a hit? Hell, they could’ve had a whole album. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of the week….) Also, happy birthday to Charles Dickens, who turns two hundred today. Fucking hack. Also also, happy birthday to Ashton Kutcher. The only picture We seemed to have of him is above. The inclusion of Justin Timberlake is just a perk.
As you can see, We’ve got nothin’. Fortunately, We got plenty of it.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. You will no doubt be (as We were) both flabbergasted and flummoxed that the Jews for Jesus did in fact send Us their screener for review. Don’t bate your breath just yet, though, as We shall probably not get to it until next week. And don’t bait your breath at all, as that’s disgusting. (But if you figger out how to masturbate your breath, message Us privately. And send pixtures.)
In other news, We are still attempting to fight Our way through bureaucracy on a daily basis. Today’s stumbling block (after being given the runaround through dozens of different offices and departments): “Our office is closed daily between the hours of 11:30 and 1:30”. SERIOUSLY? WHY??? That’s when you slaughter and pluck the chickens for lunch? You’re rolling out your prayer mats to bow to the East? Who the hell closes their office for two hours in the middle of the workday???
In still other other news, with regard to the decision We have been attempting to make, TCBITWWW says “do it!” The rest of you say…something that sounds a lot like crickets chirping. Mixed with the sound of one hand clapping. Erasers. So We’re guessing that We’re probably gonna do it. Damn the torpedoes, fool Edith Head! (What does that even MEAN?)
Speaking of Oscars™, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends:
(How was THAT for a goddamn segue? (No, really…Edith Head…Oscars™…oh, shut up.))
Also check out the other videos, which no doubt influenced Our friends the Jews for Jesus to ask for Our help. Especially the “pick things up and put them down” parody: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee
Is it just Us, or do We seem to have been neglecting Charlene Tilton? Also, here’s the HorrorScope:
Your amazing energy can help you make even the most mundane tasks — like making lunch — exciting thrill rides! (Hey! Wanna come over and watch Us choke the chicken? (Then pluck it? (The chicken for lunch…what did you THINK We meant? (Our office is closed between the hours of 11:30 and 1:30…))))
Kick things up a notch and see what comes next. (Alternatively, kick things up the crotch, and see what DOESN’T come next.)
It’s sure to be a blast! (Well, naturally One would be induced to imagine so, what with the random exclamation point and all. We can play that game too…watch: Well! Naturally One would be induced to imagine so! What with the random exclamation point and all! (See?))
Whether you want to develop a business partnership or romantic relationship, don’t wait for the other person to make the first move right now. (Do, however, decide very clearly which one you want to develop, because mixing them together is illegal in most states.)
Luckily, (Also, pluckily. (Heh. “Pluckily”. Referring back to the chicken, you see. (We kill Us.)))
today will offer you the perfect opportunity (And the perfect opportunity’s knockers. Don’t forget the knockers.)
to take control and make your move. (Pawn to queen’s bishop four.)
Grab it! (See? We TOLD you not to forget the knockers.)
Don’t be too shy. (We’re working on that. Trying to come out of Our shell more, as it (subjunctively) were.)
Now is the time for bold action. (And bald eagles. (But don’t get them mixed up with the motherplucking chickens. They HATE that.))
(Were We the only one who didn’t know that “motherplucking” isn’t a word?)
You have much more power and influence than you might realize right now … and if you do not use it, you will lose it. (That is so totally untrue. We have fifteen extra pounds that We’re using for absolutely nothing, and do We lose it? NOOOOO….)
If you’re feeling — well — different, you are.
(The preceding sentence is entirely dependent upon proper punctuation. (Have a happy period.) For example, just by altering the comma and long dashes, One could get a veddy British: “If you’re feeling well different, you are”. Or Yoda: “If you’re feeling well, different you are”. (Are We a cunning linguist, or what? (Who said, “Or what”?)))
(Heh. “Have a happy period.” See what We did there?)
Something deep within your psyche has shifted and you’re ready to experience a higher level of emotional intimacy with a love interest. (Oh, my. (Hmm…not sure We’ve ever had this issue before. In the Royal We, should that be “Oh, Our”?))
Don’t let the intensity scare you off. (May We let the preceding sentence scare Us off?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.