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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Voulez vous coucher avec Johnny Depp?




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fat Tuesday, February 21, 2012. So Happy Fat Tuesday, y’all. (The “y’all” is there to clue y’all (heh) in that We are doing Our very best Paula Deen impression this morning.) We have just this very minute decided that Fat Tuesday is Our very most favoritest holiday of ‘em all, because it is the one holiday in the year when We automatically fit in, without even so much as a pancake to bless Ourself with.  Although We will be making Sunday gravy later.  But it’s alright, because We are wearing Our Tuesday panties.

Speaking of Our Tuesday panties, you will no doubt have already noticed Our Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Béarnaise Bordelaise Creole Lady Marmalade, which is a shot from Our latest modeling photo shoot.  As you can see, We are filling a niche market.  (Well, truth be told, We are filling pretty much EVERY market in that photo.  Talk about squeezing out the competition.)  We regret that We are posed in such a way that you cannot read that Our panties say “Tuesday”, but trust Us, they do.  Actually, Our panties said a lot of things that day, most notably, “Get us the fuck outta here!!!”

Let me hear your panties talk, your panties talk…let’s get physical…oh, look; Olivia Newton-John has joined the party!

We ate a meatball off the floor right over there.

Our dinner guest for the evening is no doubt reading this right now, desperately attempting to think up likely excuses with which to beg off.  But We have to have dinner tonight…tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and, as We usually do, We will be giving up sacrifice for Lent.

Changing the subject completely, Twiggy.  Also, please go and watch Our Starizna’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces video, and like it, and share it with your friends.  Oh, not for Us; We already know you won’t do anything just because WE ask you to, but for Our costar, young Mister Bieber, whose panties always say “Today”.

We have no idea what that meant, but here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4

Today is the first panties of the rest of your life. (We thought for a moment that “Today™” was also the name of a brand of pantyliners, but it turns out We were thinking of Today™ contraceptive sponges instead.  As One does.)


And now, Charlene Tilton has been wearing her Tuesday panties since last Thursday.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Expect to get last-minute help just when you need it the most. (So, wait…mental health professionals make housecalls?)

 

(Does anyone else find it telling that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even recognize “housecalls” as a word?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 

Make sure your lines of communication are wide open, (Oh, We are fully dilated.  There’s a whole box of Today™ up there, and a week or two’s worth of panties.)

 

as people may use eccentric tools to try to get in touch with you.  (Is it just Us, or does “eccentric tools” sound really, really dirty?  And FUN?)

 

Today, focus (Sorry…what did you say?)

 

(Apparently, that joke actually DOES get old.)

 

all your available energy and free time on making firmer plans for your career’s future. (Making Sunday gravy on Tuesday. Since 2001.)

 

Remember: (The Alamo, Tickle Me Elmo™, Lorenzo Lamas.)

 

(We just write ‘em, We don’t explain ‘em.)


If you take time to plan ahead, you won’t ever get left behind!  (Wow!  Head and behind in the same sentence!  Of course, it was only Our left behind, but, as you can see from Our pixture, that should be plenty.)

 

Think about where you want to be in the next five years, (Wait…We only get to pick one place?  Does “Johnny Depp’s underwear” count?)

 

and imagine what your daily routine will be like. (On the other hand, imagine not having something as boring as a daily routine.)

 

Are you working in a team, or working alone? (Well, if We’re in Johnny Depp’s underwear, We’re pretty much alone except for Johnny Junior.  If there’s a team involved, can it be the Swedish Olympic men’s swim team?)

 

Are you giving orders, or are you taking them? (Yeah.  Like We’re gonna try to boss Johnny Depp around.)

 

Envisioning where you want to be is the first step toward drawing yourself a map of how to get there.  (Oh, good lord, not this “viZZZualize” crap again.  Every week, We viZZZualize exactly what We will do when We win PowerBall™.  Do We ever win PowerBall™?  No, We do not.  Stick your “Secret” in your Tuesday panties, put ‘em in a box of Today™, and shove ‘em where the sun don’t shine.)

 

Staying focused for any length of time right now? (We promise not to do that joke again.)

 

Don’t bother. (He ain’t heavy, he’s Our bother.)

 

(Was that a fat joke?)

 

Stardust fills your head with wild ideas and crazy thoughts. (Now We are imagining shaking Our head and having it work just like an Etch-A-Sketch™.  (Now We’re imagining something called Etch-A-Sketch Comedy.  You have no idea how much fun it is to be Us.))

 

What’s the point of concentrating when the world’s filled with so many other things and hotties to admire? (True dat, Boo.)

 

Space out now; work later. (Sunday gravy is not gonna make its own self.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.