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Wednesday, February 1, 2012

WERQ! Turn to the left! WERQ! Now turn to the right!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, February 1th, 2012. We have for some reason been remiss by neglecting to mention that Our Very Own Lovely and Talented Willam Belli is appearing in the current season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, the first episode of which aired this past Monday, so there’s still time to catch up.  Girlfriend has a tasteful clutch purse full of one-liners with which she is tearing up the joint:

Some other drag queen, upon first meeting Willam: “You look familiar to me.”

Willam: “You must have a television.”

In other news, why must everything be so difficult?  We seem to spend half of Our waking hours on the phone, trying to get people to do their damn jobs.  And the other half trying to get people to TELL Us that they’ve DONE their damn jobs. Sigh.

In other other news, in between phone calls to blatantly disgruntled employees (and nothing pisses people off more than a blatant absence of gruntles), We had a phone call in which We heard some good news about a lovely and talented friend.  So there’s that.

There is also the weather, and the fact that We noticed that it was almost 5:30 yesterday before darkness fell.  We may live through the winter, at this rate.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)


Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need assurances today — preferably in writing — that your plans and agreements are as permanent as can be. (Oh, please.  We can’t even get the gruntle-less ones to answer Our phone calls properly; ya think they’re gonna write stuff down for Us?)

You know that nothing lasts forever, (Except, presumably, eternity.)

but you still want something to believe in. (Do you believe in life after love? (Do you believe you now have a Cher song stuck in your head?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

(The celebrities indexed for today’s e-pissode now consist of Willam Belli, RuPaul, and Cher.  What is wrong with this picture?  Absolutely nothing.)

Commerce is not an ideal thing to be involved in right now, especially if you are interested in selling some of your possessions. (What about selling some of Our vital organs?)

Your personal goods will not move as quickly as you think, (Ain’t THAT the muthafuckin’ troof?)

so you might want to either consider giving them away to charity (Yeah…let’S donate ‘em to Tits For Tots.)

or holding onto them for a little bit longer. (Well, We’re not gonna give away any of the parts that get longer.)

On the other side of the equation, as a buyer you are vulnerable to misleading statements. (That is a lie!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Do not assume that something is included in the purchase price unless you see it in writing! (Again with the writing.  Somebody better start giving some folks their gruntles back, is all We’ve got to say.)

Making the first — or the next — move may be the smartest thing you do all day. (What happens if We accidentally make the last move first?)

You’re hot, you know it, why not show it? (If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.)

It’s a win-win. (What is a really stupid pet name for your penis, Alex?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.