Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEggs, February 24, 2012. Happy birthday to someone who is turning twenty-four today, but whose birthday is none of your damn business, so don’t even think about it. (On the other hand, if you are an attractive gentleman who is just jonesing to jump out of a cake, come onna Our house, our house, We’re gonna give you candy, and lick your frosting off.)
“Lick your frosting off” is, of course, a euphemism. “Come Onna My House” is, of course, a Rosemary Clooney song. We, of course, are old. And just the slightest bit out of Our mind.
In other news, Our Google-O-Meter™, always a source of fascinating yet useless information, informs Us that this e-pissode of these e-pisstles: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html has now surpassed the Charlene Tilton e-pissode (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html ) in all-time hits, by a whopping (and, if you visit the first e-pissode, you will have a whole new appreciation for “whopping”) 864 to 477. All of which would seem to indicate, at first blush, that there are a lot more chubby chasers out there than One would expect. However, upon reflection (is it just Us, or are We doing a lot of that around here these days?), One realizes that that cannot be the case, or We would have a lot more dates than We do, being the euphemistically “full-figgered gal” that We are.
Life is just an enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in mystery with a side of ten-day-old cole slaw, innit?
Meanwhile, in other other news, We went to the Ack-A-Me yesterday (not that that is news…news would be if We DIDN’T go to the Ack-A-Me) and purchased one pound of boneless New York strip steak, a half-pound bunch of escarole, 2 liters of Diet Pepsi™, 2 packages of Vanity ™ napkins (dinner, not sanitary), and 7 boxes of L’Oreal™ hair color (We, of course, do not color Our hair, which is why you only ever see Us in a turban (well, that and the fact that a turban is like poor-woman’s Botox™). Himself, on the other hand, dyes his three remaining hairs with reckless abandon) all for the low, low price of $10.90. The end of Our receipt read “Today’s total savings: $80.91, for a total savings of 90%.” Now if We could just figger out how to get ‘em to GIVE Us that $80 on the way out the door…
We know how you all just LOVE Our Q-pon stories. (Actually, it’s Friday, which, according to Our trusty Google-O-Meter™, is Our least-read day of the week. We could say any damn thing in here, and no one would know. Titty sprinkles.)
But enough of this levity. Please go and watch Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces video, and like it, and share it with your friends. Oh, not for Us; We already know you won’t do anything just because WE ask you to, but for Our costar, young Mister Bieber, who will soon be jumping out of a cake of his very own, and who will show you his penis at the drop of a turban.
Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our video with your friends: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4
And now, Charlene Tilton for Lady Clairol: “Mix a double batch and get a snatch to match”. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Whatever pops up today is real and must be taken seriously — don’t delay! (We do solemnly swear (goddamnit) that whatever pops up today, We shall “lick its frosting off” without delay, something something, Doctor Bombay.)
You may have to pull back a bit from a fun pet project in order to deal with this, but that’s totally okay, as far as you’re concerned. (No pets here but the dustbunnies.)
You owe a debt of gratitude to the people who have helped you in your life — all those teachers, relatives, friends, bosses, and other types of influential folks who challenged you and pushed you toward the right direction. (What’d’We, miss something?)
The best way to repay that debt is to offer that same type of inspiration to the one or two people you know right now who could use encouragement — or a big kick in the pants, whichever you think would be more effective. (We do so enjoy being an inspiration. As long as We get to be an expiration on alternate days.)
(If anybody has any damn idea what the hell We’re talking about, couldja please jump out of your cake and tell Us?)
Tough love may be required. (Really? ‘Cause those leather costumes make Us giggle.)
A dream, a story or a symbol bears a message about your love life now. (The Impossible Dream? Toy Story? (“Symbol” has Us stymied…anybody?))
Consciously cultivate your ability to see connections, interpret signs and understand your world as an interconnected whole. (We have been well aware that Our world is an interconnected hole for quite some time now, ThankYouVeryMuch.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.