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Monday, February 27, 2012

So kiss me goodbye…honey, I’m gonna make it out alive

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Just Another Matlock Monday, February 27, 2012.

Andy Griffith…dead or alive?  We have no idea. (Still alive and eighty-five.  We just Googled him on Wikipedia.  Because that’s the kind of full-service information hooker We are here at Erix Daily WhoreOScope.)

Like you care.

So, it has come to this.

We should warn you, We did not watch so much as thirty seconds of the Gay SuperBowl last night, so if you came here this morning expecting pithy commentary on Angelina’s anorexia or Animatronic Billy Crystal, you are about to be sorely disappointed.

Has anyone ever actually said “pithy” and not thought “pissy with a lisp”?

“Pissy Withalisp” was, of course, the original name for Butterfly McQueen’s character in Gone With The Wind. (We didn’t want you to be TOO disappointed about the absence of movie coverage this morning.)

So, it has come to this.

We have just taken a call wherein We learned that We shall go to Lindenwold, New Jersey later this week and earn a hundred dollars.  We are just like a cheap hooker.  (Without the sex.  But then, you knew that.  We’re pretty sure that, whenever you think of Us (if you think of Us at all), it’s without the sex.)

Speaking of you, and you not thinking of Us, We should like to point out that the ever-so-mild winter that We have been having does not ameliorate (how’s that for a five-dollar word?   Give Us five dollars, dammit!) Our Seasonal Affective Disorder one iota, one whit, or one jot (you all did just sing that to the tune of “One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer”, did you not?), Seasonal Affective Disorder being associated with the absence of light as opposed to the presence of revolting winter weather.  Naturally, We are aware that We are in the home stretch of this year’s SAD, but that doesn’t help much when We it occurs to Us, as it did this weekend, that…you know what, never mind.

So, it has come to this.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends: That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  We would blame that on the presence of The Bieber, except that the same is true of all of Our other TotMH videos.

Meanwhile, like a phoenix from the ashes of this cruel misuse comes this thought: what exactly would a movie script entitled Blame It On The Bieber  entail? (Our creative juices are now flowing; We hope We didn’t get any on ya.)

And now, Charlene Tilton sings “So It Has Come To This”.   Which is, of course, the sequel to the Peggy Lee classic, “Is That All There Is?”   And which, conversely, has absolutely nothing to do with “I Am Hennery The Eighth, I Am”.  (Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.  I got married to the widow next door; she’d been married seven times before.  And every one was a Hennery (Hennery!); there never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam!) .  I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery.  Hennery the eighth I am, I am.  Hennery the eighth I am. (Second verse, same as the first… (Oh…is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:


Stick to whatever you’re doing today (Johnny Depp?)


— it’s important that you show that you can persevere even in the face of certain failure. (If the failure is certain, wouldn’t you wanna start persevering in the other direction?  Just sayin’.)


Someone is watching, (No.  No, they’re not.)


and they need to see persistence and optimism.  (Well, then, We’re afraid they’re going to be severely disappointed. )


(Heh.  See what We did there?)


 After a few weeks of turbulence, (No need for nervousness…it’s just a little turbulence.)


(Thank you, Kelli, for reminding Us of the Snakes on a Plane theme song (speaking of famous fillums), truly one of Our favorite songs of the past decade.  We shall be downloading it forthwith.)


one of your friendships has reached a lovely cruising altitude, lately. (Is it just Us, or does that sound vaguely dirty?  Care to clue Us in as to which of Our friends We’re about to be vaguely dirty with?)


You two are moving into a very nice phase. (Are you looking at Our moon?  ‘Cause We’re looking at Uranus.)


Having conversation is easy, and you’re communicating so well together that you can almost read each other’s minds. (You are beginning to frighten Us.)


Celebrate this situation together with a night out on the town, or a special dinner out. (Mmmm…dinner.)


You can go on a date with a friend — after all, isn’t a date just a time you schedule to spend exclusively with someone you like?  (How the hell would We know?  We haven’t been on one since the Clinton administration.)


So, it has come to this.


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.