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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Can you read my mind?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, February 23, 2012.  Happy…oh, dear. Every day so far this week has been a joyous holiday occasion, with tree-trimming, and cookie-baking, and forehead-smudging.  We’ve had President’s Day, and Fat Tuesday, and Hash Wednesday, which was also George Washington’s Actual Birthday, and now…it’s just plain old Thursday.  What a letdown.  Presumably, everyone is back at work after three days off for merrymaking, and caroling, and wassailly whistle-wetting.  On the plus size…er, side, however, the weekend is within shitting distance.

You Yanks say the most peculiar things.  Do you really engage in shitting distance competitions?  Also, please don’t shit on Our weekend.

(It will fascinate the cunning linguists amongst you to know that Micro$oft Weird™ had absolutely no problem with Our use of “shitting”, but, in the sentence “please don’t shit on Our weekend”, while it admitted that “shit” was indeed properly spelled, it suggested that We might prefer to use “sit” in its place.  Which would seem to alter the meaning considerably, no?)

Why We don’t have a job as a high school English teacher, We’ll never know.

In other news, upon reflection (well, okay, upon coming home from rehearsal and having a cocktail), it occurred to Us that a recent incident which had caused Us some distress was a veritable instant replay of a similar incident some months ago.  We are well aware that, if the same thing keeps happening to you in different circumstances, the common denominator is YOU; the stumbling block to Our comprehension of said circumstances, however, is that they appear to involve various people having the uncanny ability to read what passes for Our mind.

 But enough of this levity. Please go and watch Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces video, and like it, and share it with your friends.  Oh, not for Us; We already know you won’t do anything just because WE ask you to, but for Our costar, young Mister Bieber, whose consist denial of lesbian leanings makes Us think the lady doth protest too much.

Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our video with your friends:

And now, only seven more shopping days until Justin Bieber’s birthday. (Charlene Tilton bought him a Fleshjack™….what are YOU buying him?) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:


Your energy needs to be focused outward today (It is apparently 58 degrees outside in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back…as soon as We finish e-pisstling on YouPeople, We’re gonna “focus outward” a whole lot.)


— you can’t just dwell on your own problems or issues. (We’ll take People Who Can Read What Passes As Our Mind for $500, Alex.)


Make sure that you are checking in with your people to give them what they need.  (Apparently, if We actually have these “people” to whom you keep referring, what they need is a good talking to for never showing up for work.)


 A new relationship prospect will pop up early in your day today, (Do you pop out at parties?  Are you unpoopular?)


and the question is: Will you be ready? (Also willing.  And able.  Not to mention Dewey Dickem and Howe.)


(We specifically asked you not to mention that.)


Timing might not be (What’s the key to comedy?) ideal, (Heh.  See what We did there?)


(No?  Well, read it again, then.)


but when opportunity knocks, you have got to answer — whether you’re dressed or not!  (Which would mean opportunity would be getting a look at Our knockers, no?  (Also Our knickers, but that’s not as punny.))


This new relationship might be romance-related, but it could also be a business networking connection. (In which case it would be prostitution, yes?)


So you’ve got to be ready for just about anything and keep your schedule loose. (Loose like a goose being fucked by a moose.)


(We just this minute made that up.  Someone should needlepoint a sampler.)


You might have to hit the road soon, (Jack.)


so be ready to go!  (Also, collect two hundred dollars.)


You’re terrific at helping others achieve their dreams, (As well as their nightmares.)


and right now a friend could use an infusion of your enthusiasm. (“An infusion of your enthusiasm”?  Seriously?  That HAS to be a euphemism, dunnit?)


Give them a compliment and some encouragement in the romance department.  (So “looks like a penis, only smaller” is out of the question, then?)



(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.