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Monday, February 6, 2012

Any parade in town without me must be a second-class parade

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMagicMonday, February 6, 2012.  The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the…oh, who the fuck are We kidding?  It is still February, aka The Long Dark Tea Time Of The Goddamn Soul, and there is no escape.

A hearty Erix Daily Horoscope “Break-A-Leg” goes out to Michael, who is in New Yawk City this morning.  Where, We hear, they are throwing a tickertape parade in his honor. Some people just live right.

Speaking of tickertape parades (now THERE’S a phrase you don’t hear often), if you know Us in the slightest, you are well aware that there are two subjects that will not be broached in here this morning.  Number One, the fact that subjects wearing broaches is just a peculiar topic of conversation, and (B.) what most of the rest of you were looking at on your televisions yesterday. 

We Our Own Self Personally were also looking at Our television, where, on the recommendation of a number of Gentle Readers, We commenced enjoying the first season of Breaking Bad. Which does, in fact, live up to all the hype you could hope to heap upon it, you hipsters. (Sorry…We just waxed a little poetic there.  We frosted Robert Frost, We pounded Ezra Pound, We came on ee cummings…) It is, in fact, Most Excellent Television.  We cannot, however, declare it the best thing since sliced bread (what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?), as it clearly has just lifted its entire premise from Weeds.  You can almost hear them saying, “Well, that Weeds show is cool; let’s just remake that, except not funny, pumped full of testosterone and darkness, and dialed up to eleven.”

Also, my future ex-husband Hunter Parrish isn’t in it.

This is not to say that Breaking Bad is bad.  It isn’t.  Breaking Bad is good.  Horrible Bosses, meanwhile, is HORRIBLE.  Shut up, Jennifer Aniston.  Brad isn’t coming back.

Was that a little harsh?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.  We are in the throes of making a difficult decision about whether or not to do something.  A decision that must needs be reached relatively quickly. The benefits of doing the thing would all be intangible (although, at this point, one of the intangible benefits would be not having to regret NOT doing the thing); that is, there would be absolutely no return-on-investment.   The only negative (apart from being forced to get up off Our fat ass and spend time doing something, which is, perhaps, not entirely a negative) is that the investment (which would not return) is not inconsiderable, and, while not money that We don’t have, is most likely money that We shouldn’t spend.

Well, like your scrotum, there it is in a nutshell.  Somebody make that decision for Us.  KThxBye.

Speaking of Oscars™, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends:

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos, which no doubt influenced Our friends the Jews for Jesus to ask for Our help.   Especially the “pick things up and put them down” parody (We should just mention that We did, in fact, politely ask the Jews for Jesus to send their screener film for Our review.  Oddly enough, We have yet to hear back from them.):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

If you don’t get things started today, nobody else is going to do so. (Well, We guess she done told Us.)

You may not feel like coming out of your shell, (Our shynesses, let Us show them to you.)

but that just means that the rewards will be that much greater when you eventually do.  (Ah, yes, the old “greater rewards” ploy.)

Your family obligations are at the center of your world right now, (Um, no.)

and they could be causing conflicts in your social life. (Our WHAT?!?)

Explain the situation to your friends honestly and completely (We just did that…weren’t you paying attention?)

— don’t leave out any details that you think aren’t important, because all the information is relevant. (Not to the naked skimmers.  (Which, now that We put it that way, is an excellent name for a band. (Unless, of course, the band contains a female accordion player. (Oh, YOU figger it out.))))

They have families, too, and they’ll understand why you must reorganize your priorities. (We would be lucky to be able to reorganize Our sock drawer.)

They might even offer to help you out and lighten your load.  (People so rarely offer to “help Us out”.  And We’re pretty sure no one has offered to “lighten Our load” since 1997.)

(Was it just Us, or did that sound really dirty?)

You may not be feeling really great today. (Well, well, well.  Look who’s psychic!)

Bad moods can damage more than just your routine. (And bad mood rings can turn your finger green.  And it ain’t easy, being green.)

(Why, One wonders, does Micro$oft Weird™ mark “ain’t” as misspelled?  It ain’t.  It is grammatically incorrect, of course, but since One is typing rather than speaking, One probably knows that.  However, if Micro$oft Weird™ marked it with a blue squiggle instead of a red squiggle, One wouldn’t quibble, since (A.) it IS, in fact, grammatically incorrect, and  (2.) One was thereby given the opportunity to use “squiggle” and “quibble” in the same sentence, which made One giggle.)

Spend some quality ‘me’ time to recharge your emotional batteries. (We do not spend “quality me time”; We spend “Quality Royal We Time”, sometimes at tea time.  Asshat.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.