Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frito™PieDay, February 3, 2012. No doubt you are all enjoying your day off for the Feast of Saint Blaise; here’s hoping all your throats are blessed and deep. (Is it just Us, or does “Saint Blaise” sound like an excellent name for a porn star? Of either gender?)
Meanwhile, mmmmm, Frito™ Pie.
In other news, We were notified by YouTube yesterday that a fellow YouTuber had sent Us the following video:
…which was accompanied by this note:
Shalom from Jews for Jesus
We are looking for Christian bloggers and youtubers who would be willing to write reviews for our latest film Awakening. The film was narrated by Stephen Baldwin and we are very excited to have the Churches of America see this film. I have sent you a short trailer so you can see. If you are interested in writing a review message back and we will send you a screener copy of the film. We hope you enjoy the film and are encouraged and uplifted.
We actually have some free time on Our hands, and are thinking We might enjoy performing a little cinematic critique. After all, We once made a fillum about Our Lord:
Speaking of Oscars™, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends:
(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)
Also check out the other videos, which no doubt influenced Our friends the Jews for Jesus to ask for Our help. Especially the “pick things up and put them down” parody: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee
Meanwhile, is anyone else as confused as We are by the Baldwin brothers who aren’t Alec? It’s like Charlene Tilton’s brother, Milton, who no one ever talks about.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Leave the details to lesser minds today (If only.)
— you’ve got your eye on the big picture, (Insert “hooker with glass eye” joke here.)
and can’t be bothered to handle anything so trivial. (As a pursuit?)
Things should pick up in a big way by the end of the day! (Was that a fat joke?)
Making a change in your life is wise right now, (Fine…We’ll take two fives and a ten.)
but making any type of rapid change is not. (Indeed. We see no need to be hasty about anything, and, consequently, We are still wearing Our “Tuesday” panties.)
(Talk about your “not-so-fresh” feeling.)
(Oh, wait…it’s “JEWS for Jesus”, not “Cooze for Jesus”. Never mind.)
Just as when you go swimming in very cold water, you need to ease your way in so that you don’t become overwhelmed. (Which is totally different from what happens when you go swimming where some boys were.)
There are sharks swimming in these waters, (We’re gonna need a bigger boat.)
and if you make too big of a move too soon, you may end up attracting their attention! (Apropos of absolutely nothing, it just occurred to Us that, if the theme from Jaws had words, it’d be rap.)
There’s no rush at all, so take your time! (Then you might wanna rethink the random exclamation point.)
Whom are you trying to impress? (Justin Bieber’s pediatrician.)
You’re thinking fast and talking even faster — even you might be surprised by some of the things that come out of your mouth. (No doubt. Because it would seem to Us that if We were (subjunctively) talking faster than We were thinking, We would probably say some pretty stupid stuff. Which doesn’t seem to be the point you were trying to make, you addlepated cooterlicker.)
(“Addlepated cooterlicker”…that’s virtually Shakespearean, innit?)
It’s an ideal state (What is California, Alex?)
for rapid-fire witty repartee with someone attractive, so get out there. (We’re already pretty far out there, as near as We can tell.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.