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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I didn’t mean to turn you on



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Hash Wednesday, February 22, 2012.  Happy birthday to George Washington, who turns two hundred and eighty today.  We cannot tell a lie.  (Well, actually, We can. (We were gonna do a cherry-popping joke here, in honor of Georgie’s cherry tree story, but We are in a foul humor this morning, so you will just have to imagine that We told said joke.))

So, speaking of cherry-popping jokes, if We think of doing something, but We don’t actually do it, can We still be held responsible for it as if it had actually happened?  We never really got the “thou shalt not covet” commandments (to review, for the infidel heathens in the room, “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods” and “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife”).  Thou shalt not kill?  Sure, okay, killing is bad.  (Although quite a few people need it quick-fast-and-in-a-hurry.)  Thou shalt not steal?  Makes sense.  But thou shalt not want to steal stuff, but then not do it?  We are not seeing how that’s on a par.  (We have, however, just noticed the loophole wherein One can apparently covet One’s neighbor’s husband with impunity…apparently, sexism is not always a bad thing.)

We are waxing religious this morning (which is completely unrelated to waxing the carrot (which is itself, oddly enough, related to banging the bishop, which, in a bizarre twist of cunning linguistics, is also completely unrelated to waxing religious))…what the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, the hell with it.  Happy Hash Wednesday to one and all!  Hash Wednesday, of course, marks the beginning of Lent. And although We said yesterday that We would be making Our usual Lenten sacrifice of giving up sacrifice for Lent, We may, upon reflection, actually give up being nice for Lent.

We shall pause here for the laughter to subside.

Presumably, one or two of you Gentle Readers will remember That One Time when We were nice.  Trouble is, when One does something totally unexpected like that, people tend not to believe it is even happening, or they assume it is something else, and One doesn’t get any credit for it. And if there’s one thing We firmly believe in, it’s giving credit Gerard Depardieu.  (You Yanks and your crazy sayings.  Who makes a saying with Gerard Depardieu in it?)

 But enough of this levity. Please go and watch Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces video, and like it, and share it with your friends.  Oh, not for Us; We already know you won’t do anything just because WE ask you to, but for Our costar, young Mister Bieber, whose penis We have seen.

Two Siamese twins from Salinas 
Were conjoined from birth at the penis.
“We’d enjoy a good fu(k,
But we’re sh1t outta luck,
‘Cause there’s only one penis between us.”

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4

And now, Charlene Tilton covets her neighbor’s Good ‘N’ Plenty™. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Try not to worry too much about the events of the day — everything can be

written up to karma, pure and simple. (Oh, please.  If there were (subjunctively) karma, We would be spending Our day getting a massage, sipping a tasteful Negroni, then retiring early with Our hot water bottle and Our woolly penguin.  We would not be spending Our day doctoring a script, then going to WaitStaff rehearsal in a church, where We shall no doubt be struck by lightning even if We refrain from coveting anything.  Sigh.)

 

 If it’s good, that means you’ve been good in the past; (The same one or two of you who remember That One Time when We were nice may also remember That One Time when We were good.  (Or not.))

 

if not, well, you can still make up for lost time!  (So, wait…We have to be good in the future?)

 

Real problems require real solutions, not just window dressing. (But wouldn’t naked windows be a real problem?  We are so confused.)

 

You have to get to the root of the issue and face the truth about what is really going on here. (That sounds very unpleasant.)

 

The time when you could just smile and pretend that everything is okay has long passed, and you need to admit that things have gone in a direction that could be best described as disastrous.  (Wow.  This horoscope has really taken a turn for the wurst.  Fortunately, there is nothing so bleak that it cannot be improved with a little sausage joke.  (We’re pretty sure it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said that.  And, just to clarify, by “little sausage joke”, he meant “a little joke about a sausage” not “a joke about a little sausage”.))

 

(Did We mention Justin Bieber’s penis?)

 

The good news is that you have the power to change it — you just have to get up and get going!  (Yeah, but, see…bed…hot water bottle..woolly penguin…)

 

Start making the changes you want.  (That sounds like a lot of work.)

 

Some days are made for romance, but this ain’t one of ‘em. (Mmm-hmm.  So if ya scratch off yesterday, today, and tomorrow, whaddaya got left?)

 

If you’ve got a date, (A WHAT?!?)

 

make it friendly, low-expectations and low-key;  (Why do they call it date rape, shouldn’t it just be rape? I mean, the date’s over at that point. Right? )

 

if you don’t, make one with your slippers and a DVD.  (You say “slippers and a DVD”; We say “hot water bottle and woolly penguin”.  Potato, potahto, frittata, shapoopie…let’s call the whole thing awful.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.