I’m f**king Matt Damon

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October 8^rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in N’awlins.  The Big EasyBreezyBeautifulCoverSquirrel.  We could use Ourself a trip to N’awlins…Josh, how do you think Starzina’s show would do down there?

We are also not entirely sure that We are finished with yesterday’s “Picturing Kevin Naked” exercise.  Especially since We realized, much later in the day, that the circumstances under which We saw Kevin naked repeatedly also involved seeing Allen naked.  Also repeatedly.  So then, naturally, We started picturing that.  

Yep; We’re not finished.

(We are also not Finnish.  But then, no one suggested that We were.)

When We woke up, We had three dreams We were going to tell you about.  As of now, We can remember exactly one of them.  Lucky, lucky you.

Not only do Our dreams recur, they have ongoing sagas.  For example, if We are working at the EAC in Our dream (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs),   We have still been made redundant, just as in real life, but We are being forced to go to work for no pay.  If We are going to school in Our dream, there is one class We’ve never remembered to attend which is now giving a final exam.

And, if We are in OurHouseWhereWeLive in Our dream, it is an enormous, complexicated labyrinthine structure with varying levels, rooms within rooms, and multiple wings.

Also, there’s someone else who lives there, whom We never see.

Until last night.

We were contemplating the fact that the stair railing had sunk into the floor to a new height of a foot, when a light when on in the wing (We know, riiight?) across from it.  We ran quickly to said wing, and were in time to catch a Chinaman, with his hand still on the light switch.  We grabbed him by his (crisply starched, pink) shirt…

…and then We woke up.  With the feeling that We had woken up because Our mind had no idea what came next. (Also with the feeling of “leave it to a Chinaman to have a well-laundered shirt”.)

They say that, if you dream that you’re falling, and you hit the ground in your dream, you die in real life. (How the hell they would KNOW that, We haven’t got any idea.)  What could the Chinaman possibly have been on the verge of telling Us? “Rosebud was a sled”?  “Humpty-Dumpty was pushed”? And would it have killed Us to hear it?

All We know is, there’s a Chinaman in Our house, and We’re hungry again half an hour later.

Oh, and, before you start flinging accusations of racism around like so many fried lice, We would KNOW this Chinaman if We saw him again.  Because he didn’t look like all the other Chinamen.

Sigh.  Clearly, We’re gonna have to picture Kevin and Allen naked for a good long time to get over this one.

Chinamen notwithstanding, have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)?  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  Getcher tickets here:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

And here is the HorrorScope:

It seems like just yesterday that We were lamenting not being chosen to apply fake tanline makeup to Matt Damon’s ass.  (Mainly because it WAS just yesterday that that happened.  Thyme fries when you’re hacking nuns.)  And here it is today, and it’s Matt Damon’s birthday.  Happy birthday, Matt Damon!  And Matt Damon’s birthday suit.

You are slowing down somewhat (Well, DUH.  Picturing TWO people naked takes TIME.)

— but it’s not permanent. (Which twin has the Toni™?)

(It’s an old people joke.  Move on.)

Your energy is perfect for thinking about big issues and making sure that you are on the right path. (Oh, We are on the right path!  More importantly, We have the right pathology!)

Things are looking up!  (Which is lovely, unless you’re a turkey in the rain.)

Reach out to the unusually introverted person who you’ll be paired up with, today. (Oooh…is it the three-legged race?  Because, if it is, We’re looking for the guy who can win without a partner. (Hint: most likely not a Chinaman.))

(Oh, hiss and boo your own damn selves.)

Only you (Can prevent Forest Whitaker from being fired?)

will be able to draw them out, and they will need to be drawn out — (As will Binky, if you ever want to get to Art School.)

otherwise, the two of you will never get anything accomplished. (Emission accomplished.)

(Eeeeuuuuwwww.)

Turn on your legendary charm (Always after me legendary charm…it’s manically meretricious.)

and show this shy person that they have nothing to fear from you. (Also, with six, you get eggroll.  And rosebud was a sled.  And Uranus is a rosebud.  To everything, turn, turn, turn…)

It’s long past the time for you to expand your circle of conversational partners. (Wow.  How would you like to find out that someone considers you a “conversational partner”?)

Try to connect with someone you normally would not even notice.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Your charm shines (When you rub it?)

when you take the first step today, (Or that.)

especially if your love interest is a bit on the shy side. (Few people know this, but The Shy Side was where Lou Reed was originally going to take a walk.  However, when he got to “and the Finnish girls sing, “Doo da-doo, da-doo, da-doo-doo-doo…” he changed his mind.)

(True fact.)

Remember not to overwhelm them (Especially if they’ve never been whelmed to begin with.)

— they might bolt if things move too quickly!  (There’s a bus for that.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola

Greetings, Eye: Retina, Iris, Cornea---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 02, 2010 (Ah, March the Twoth. On this date in history, absolutely nothing happened. Well, that’s probably not entirely true. We’re willing to bet that George Washington slept somewhere. And, since Rome wasn’t built in a day, this was no doubt one of the days in which it wasn’t built. But let’S not rely on Our feeble memory; let’S Wiki again, like We did last summer. Ignoring all the stupid historical things that happened (have We mentioned that We hate history almost as much as We hate geography? (and yes, We know that “those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it”, but hey, at least if We’re repeating history, We know what the h3ll is going on)), let’S go right for the birthdays, being as We’re all Ass(tromalogically) Ho(roscopular) and all. Hmmm…not a very good day for birthdays, either. Moving forward from 1917, We’ve got Desi Arnaz, Lou Reed, Karen Carpenter, Laraine Newman, and Jon Bon Jovi. Now’s there’s a version of “Babalu” We’d like to hear…”and the colored girls sing, doo do-doo do-doo do-doo-da-doo…oh, oh, stop livin’ on a prayer and have a d@mn sandwich.”) :


(This little edumacational excursion did also force Us to look up WhatTheHellEverHappenedTo Laraine Newman, followed almost immediately by the corollary, WhatTheHellEverHappenedTo Garrett Morris. How you could start out in the original cast of Saturday Night Live and fu(k up your career that badly is a mystery to Us.)


(In other news, to celebrate almost two months of Eric’s Daily Horoscope In Bloggonia, some Eric’s Daily Horoscope factoids. We are currently being read by an average of almost fifty people a day. We are consistently read by the most people on Mondays, and the fewest on Fridays; more people actually read on Saturdays and Sundays than on Fridays. While Our readership has increased very slightly over time, there is nothing to indicate that We are developing consistent new readers, and there have been no one-off spikes in readership related to any pixture, video, or fit of verbal brilliance. We receive approximately the same number of comments as We used to receive emails, although at least now We have a method to know that people are reading but not communicating with Us. Obviously, We need a hobby.)


(Our-O-Scope…)


Step away from the explosives. (See, now, if this were (subjunctively) Monday, We’d put a f@rt joke in here. But, since fewer folks are reading today, We’re just gonna save that f@rt joke up for next Monday, and then let ‘er rip! (If you are delusional enough to imagine that We’re going to remember to tell all y’all a f@rt joke next Monday, you have even less of an idea of how this process all happens than We had originally thought.))


You won't need them. (Sorry…We just got all distracted Googling Jon Bon Jovi. (Definitions of the verb “to Google” may vary according to One’s imagination.) ROWRRRR! (Not that We’d dump Johnny Depp for him, but still…ROWRRRR!!!))


You'll be plenty volatile all by yourself (Hmm…this is more than one f@rt joke. It’s like a f@rt monolog. Like The Vagina Monologs, except with Uranus.)


(It’s like The Communist Manifesto, but with f@rts. Is “Manifarto” a word? And, if so, how long before it appears on a menu at The Olive Garden?)


(It’s like Grimms’ Farty Tales…)


(Okay, We’ll stop now.)


-- maybe even more than you want to be. (Be. All that you can be. (We have no idea what that had to do with anything, but We thought We’d share. And Cher alike. As We do.))


Before you injure any innocent bystanders, (Awwww…that’s Our favorite part. (We enjoy seeing the looks on their feces just before their heads fly off.))


find an appropriate project for all that energy -- like rearranging the entire apartment, for example. (Hmmm…interior decoration, versus injuring lots of innocent bystanders. We’re not seeing the contest.)


There's something in the air, and it smells awfully sweet. (Aaaaannnndddd We’re back to the f@rt jokes.)


Before you decide you've found the one, however, at least lock in a second date. (Honey, please. We’re desperate. We’re pretty sure We should start locking ‘em up on the first date. It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it has to date again.)


What's the one thing on your list you've been putting off because you haven't had the energy? (Procrastination?)


You'll accomplish it now -- that and anything else you put your mind to. (Oh, good. Because We had already planned to start procrastinating twice this morning, but then We put it off.)


(F@RT!!!)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…taste the rainbow)