Time heals everything

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February 28^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Erin, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Our dear friend Maurice Bric A Brac.  Who lives, apparently, in Kentucky.  Because, it would seem, someone has to.  Here is Maurice in the very first e-pissode of his webseries, Please Consider Coming To My Restaurant…Or Not:

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Greg, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

You will notice that We are e-pisstling an e-pissode instead of AmCracking Our way northward to The Witch City.  This is because Our Salem gig has been postponed due to Monday’s incoming Winter Storm Tituba, or whatever.  (Back in Our day, We named Winter Storms “snow”.  (On the other hand, however, We did call The Wind “Mariah”, so what the fuck did We know?))

We shall keep you apprised of when Our Salem date is rescheduled.  Because We know you care.

And now, on a completely unrelated subject, We should like to tell you about a dream We had.  Our dream was about Our friend John (hi, John!), who, in Our dream, was the same person as Neil Patrick Harris.  (For all We know, he may be the same person as Neil Patrick Harris in real life, too…lord knows, We’ve never seen the two of them together in the same room.)

John/Neil and We had just graduated from high school together.  Along with, for reasons which are unclear to Us, Our friends Sara (hi, Sara!) and Dena (hi, Dena!).  (While incomprehensible, this is not so far-fetched as it might seem.  While We did not attend high school with John, Sara, Dena, or Neil Patrick Harris, We have it on good authority that each of these people, as well as We Our Own Self Personally, turned twenty-four on his or her last birthday, so We would all have graduated from high school at the same time.)

We were all helping John/Neil pack for his move to New York.  (That being, naturally, what friends are for, despite Dionne Warwick’s absence from Our dream.)  Because, of course, John/Neil is about to star in the revival of Hedwig.

At some point during the proceedings, some annoying underclassman girl, who did NOT graduate with Us, and Sara, and Dena, and John, and Neil Patrick Harris, and whom We did NOT recognize, and who was NOT helping Us pack, said to John/Neil, “I think you should get married.  To Nancy.”

To the best of Our knowledge, there was no one named “Nancy” present, and We had no idea who this Nancy was.  That did not, naturally, stop Us from snapping, “He’s already married.”

We were about to follow up with, “To a MAN”, but We decided that was just a little too Joan-Collins-On-Dynasty. (Why that would stop Us, We haven’t got any idea, but it was a DREAM, after all.)  So We decided to amend Our retort to be “To The-Man’s-Name”.  But then We didn’t know if We should name John’s husband Stefan, or Neil Patrick Harris’s husband David.

We did, however, know it would be really, really awkward if We named the wrong one.

So We woke up.

In still other news, We are poor, so We need to sell a lot of tickets to the following:

We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6^th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/462325460534871/

On Friday, March 7^th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8^th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage: https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber.  (Also, Happy Justin Bieber’s Birthday Eve.):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Fuck this noise…it is Bernadette Peters’ birthday.  Which should be a national holiday.  So We’re taking the rest of the day off, and here’s a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

It is clear to Madame Olivia that we would all do well to simplify, simplify! Studies show that the fewer possessions we have to worry about, the happier we are. Easier said than done, but a useful guide when you're debating about a nonessential purchase and a helpful push toward getting rid of stuff. A bit of weekly weeding is a personal goal of Madame Olivia's. Just a thought.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a thought for you. With both Neptune and little Chiron in Pisces, the spirit of connectedness is very much in the air. Is there somebody out there for whom you have good feelings, like love, or fondness, or appreciation, who would relish hearing you express those good feelings? You are generally so positive and kind that this might not occur to you, but could there be a forgotten soul out there who needs your sunlight? In MOHO (Madame Olivia's Humble Opinion) now is an excellent time to look at this and take action. The recipient will love it, especially coming from you, plus your own Personal Joy Quotient will soar.

Verb of the day: wonder

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

O, can a duck…

                                 

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fried Egg Friday Frito Lay Fay Wray, July 1th, 2011.  We have recovered from yesterday’s malaise.  That’s the power of Pine Sol™, Bay-Bee.  Also the power of a most excellent rehearsal.  This show is gonna be hotter than a half-fucked fox in a forest fire.  (We cannot claim to have invented that saying; We stole it from the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning.  But We do seem to have encountered it before…can anyone tell Us if it occurs in some piece of litter-chore We might have encountered in Our cultural travels?)

So Happy Canada Day to Our Canadian readers, eh?  And Happy Canada Dry™ to the rest of you, because, hey, it’s Happy Hour somewhere, no?  Also, Happy Birthday to Our many WorldWideInterWebNetzian friends who are turning twenty-four today, and tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday, most notably Ryan, Jennifer, and Tom Cruise.  (Say it with Us, Gentle Reader MizJill: “Tom Cruise is one fucked-up motherfucker.”)  We apparently know very few people born early in Cancer, but, as We near the middle of the sign, babies are flying out of cooters like litters of puppies.  What the hell is nine months before the 4th of July, anyway?

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, litters of puppies in oceans of cooters…these are a few of Our favorite things…ah, The Sound of Muzak, The Sound of Muzak!  If you look backstage, the nuns and the Nazis are all the same people.

So if We know all these Cancer babies, you must know a lot of ‘em too…why not make their birthdays extra-special by sending them Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video, which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ?  That’s what friends are for.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Dionne Warwick.  (Oh, yes, We are…We’re psychic.))

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…Prince Harry’s lemur impression.  Or, barring that, The HorrorScope:

(Micro$oft Weird™ is objecting to “Harry’s”…how the hell else would it like Us to indicate the possessive form of “Harry”?  Perhaps a little song in his honor, from the one and only (thank god) Carmen Miranda:

  )

Your emotional side is in some serious disrepair — but today is the day to fix it up! (Suddenly, We feel exactly like an episode of This Old House.)

You should be at your best handling old traumas and healing old relationships, so get to it ASAP!  (Who you callin’ old?  Just because today’s celebrities are Fay Wray, Dionne Warwick, Carmen Miranda, and Tom Cruise…We know who Justin Bieber is!  And We own TWO Katy Perry records…or are they eight-track tapes?  AND We know that the middle Jonas Brother is the gay one. (That was Brother Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction…(STOP THAT!  We do NOT need to mention Bea Benaderet.  (DAMMIT!))))

There are some outdated ideas (Watch it, Bee-Yotch.)

or habits that are holding you back right now, and today they will create a conflict between the way your life is now and the way you want it to be in, say, five years.  (Five years?  FIVE YEARS?!?  Why, We’ll be Carmen Miranda’s grandmother by then!)

There’s no need to make a big decision about things right away, (We’ll decide that for Our Own Self.  (Heh. See what We did there?))

but you will need to be prepared to make a sacrifice when the time comes. (Fine…send Us a virgin.  Oh, look:  Justin Bieber!)

Don’t worry, though — it should be obvious what you need to leave behind — it’s the least important element of your life right now.  (Poverty? Chastity?  Sanity?)

Dig up an old family recipe and cook yourself a sweet taste of home. (Does Our fat ass make Our ass look fat?)

Don’t be too shocked if the aroma convinces a cute neighbor to stop by.  (Clearly, you have not seen where We live.)

Make sure you invite them in! (Why?  Do they do housework?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

This is the dawning of the Age of Uranus

Greetings, Enchiladae Reject Increased Cilantro---


(Well, why the h3ll isn’t the plural of “enchilada” written as “enchiladae”? They call theyselves Latinos, don’t they? So why don’t they speak Latin?)


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, February 07, 2010 (Being as it is Sunday, and also The Day After Snowpocalypse (also known as SnowMyGod (or, depending on the depth of your interrobang fetish, Snow!My!God!)), We decided to go with a religious pixture today. In case you’re, ya know, reading Eric’s Daily Horoscope on your iPhone in church. (Of course, if you are doing that, what pixture appears at the top of Eric’s Daily Horoscope is soon to be much farther down the list of Things You Should Be Worrying About. We’re just sayin’.)):


(We have precious little to report, having spent yesterday as We are sure most of you did, snowed in after the SnowJob. We learned Our lines, We shoveled Our snow, and We were pleased to have three loads of laundry backed up, because the hot air from the dryer exhaust vent melted a big ol’ hole in Our snowpile. Also, you will be pleased to hear that Our neighbor was only temporarily shifting snow onto Our sidewalk, prior to moving it further off, so We were not compelled to p00p in his mailbox, which would, no doubt have lent a whole new verisimilitude to the phrase “freezing your @ss off.”)


(We just threw “verisimilitude” in there to prove that, no matter what else shrinks in the cold, Our vocabulary doesn’t . Use it three times in a sentence and it’s yours. (“Verisimilitude”, that is, not Our vocabulary. We’re pretty sure that Our entire vocabulary would make for a rather unwieldy sentence.))


(And now, a word from Our sponsor. Well, actually, a word about Our sponsor(s). (No, We’re not going to bother to tell you to clique on Our adz. That might help Us out, and We wouldn’t want that.) If the URL at which you are looking at Eric’s Daily Horoscope looks like this: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/ , click on the title of today’s horoscope (which We haven’t made up what it is yet (edited to add: We have now: click on This is the dawning of the Age of Uranus)), so the URL now looks something like this: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/wind-began-to-switch-house-to-pitch-and.html (except with stuff about dawning age Uranus in the end there). (That would be yesterday’s horoscope.) You will notice that the adz, which are generated based on the contents of the individual blog post, are now all about snow removal devices. If you look at Thursday’s horoscope (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/if-pitcher-paints-thousand-worms-then.html ), the adz are all about women’s clothing and crossdressing (Thursday, of course, was the infamous Day Of The Effeminate Rockclimber). We confess to being overcome with a wee frisson of anticipation as We wonder what today’s adz will be about. (But don’t clique on any. Oh, no. Because helping people is wrong.))


(Hmm…apparently, We had more to report than We thought. And, lest you thought We were done (or in case you are too overcome by Our use of both “verisimilitude” and “frisson” in the same horoscope to know what you are doing), here is the info about how to buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


(Our-O-Scopes…)


With Saturn in your opposite sign, (Our Own Personal opposite sign is Libra. Libra is the sign of Balance. We? Are the opposite of that. Do you see the problem here, NumbNutz?)


you're doing it tough on the relationships front, one way or another. (I’m gonna find you, I’m gonna getchoo, getchoo, getchoo, getchoo. (Is there any morning that can’t be improved by a little Blondie?))


Some of you have a partner (And some of Us DON’T. And some of Us would like to suggest that you go fu(k yourself for pointing it out. Don’t taunt the wretched, bee-yotch.)


who's being incredibly demanding, and as much as you might love them there's no doubt it's taxing to take such good care of their needs. (We are clearly stuck in Someone Else’s Horoscope. We hope We will still get paid for writing this…)


Others of you are feeling a distance between you and your loved one. (Begging the question of just exactly how far is it to Uranus? (Which brings Us to a little pop music trivia…”Just Exactly How Far Is It To Uranus?” was the original title of the Dionne Warwick hit, “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” before Dionne had a psychic premonition that told her to change it. She and Burt Bacharach didn’t speak for several years over that.))


(Would We lie? We would not. (We would, however, now be sitting here thinking of songs with geographic place names in their titles, and changing them all to Uranus…”Welcome to the Hotel Uranus”…”Everything’s up-to-date in Uranus”…”Start spreading the news…I’m leaving today…I wanna be a part of it, Uranus, Uranus!”…See? Isn’t this fun?))


Try not to paper over any cracks this cycle - it really won't pay. (Well, of course not. Paper in the crack is just the beginning of the long downward spiral to dingleberries, and We all know it. Also, Jimmy smokes crack, and I don’t care.)


And some of you have to face romantic reality. (“I love Uranus in ze Springtime; I love Uranus in ze Fall…”)


Whatever the case, good news: today and the next few days promise some light relief. (We were gonna try to think up some more Uranus songs, but We are getting all excited to see what Uranus-based adz this mess generates. See ya on the flip side!)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Everybody needs a little cowgrass-C.)