Greetings, Effeminate Rockclimber In Culottes---(In your mind’s eye, you are looking up that rockclimber’s culottes, aren’t you? Because you are a dirty, dirty birdie. (He’s wearing women’s panties. They say “Tuesday” on the front.))
(Does anyone else feel like they need a bath now? Just Us? Alrighty, then. Meanwhile, since when is “rockclimber” not a word? Next thing ya know, they’ll be putting a red squiggly line under “rockgarden”. And “rocklobster”. And “RockHudson”. (Oh, look; they did. Clearly, We are prescient, and clairvoyant, and ESPenabled. We should write a daily horoscope….oh, wait…))
(So, how many of all y’all read that as “Eee-Ess-Peee-enabled”? Presumably, the rest of you read it as We intended, as “espenabled”, like an esplanade gone horribly, horribly wrong, or an effeminate rockclimber in culottes and espadrilles.)
(If you can show Us in Our contract where it says We’re supposed to have any idea what the fu(k We’re talking about, We shall gladly cease and desist. Till then, it’s Katie-bar-the-door, nipples to the wind and t1ts akimbo. Because Our ass and Our personality are the same thing: huge and in your face.)
(In other news, somewhere amidst Our Groundhoggian Retrospective the other day, We were reminded that February is Black History Month. So, in honor of same, today’s pixture. Because it would truly be a black day in history if you woke up and found that looking back at you.)
(We didn’t even get to “Here is your horoscope…” yet, did We?)
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 04, 2010 (Ah, that’s better. But February made me shrivel, with evely egg roll I’d derivel…ooops, sorry; We forgot Ourself. Once again behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)).):
(Before We begin the beguine better known as Eric’s Daily Horoscope (and parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We just went to look up “beguine” which We were always pretty sure was a dance, and found this: “a member of any of several lay sisterhoods founded in the Netherlands in the 13th century.” We refuse to sully Our innocence further by attempting to ascertain exactly what they mean by “lay sisterhoods”. We have decided to assume that they are talking about potato chips, and betcha can’t eat just one. (Although that sounded pretty dirty too. Perhaps We should abandon this parenthetical apace, before We find Ourselves all caught up in nun p0rn.)), We should point out that you can buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 . Visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . And watch this space for info on where to hang out with Us after the show that night (another show immediately follows Ours at the World Café, so, while you can show up there as early as 6PM for drinks and dinner (and did We mention drinks?), We shall have to leave the premises immediately following the chortling of the last guffaw.))
(But soft! What wind through yon Uranus breaks? It is the Moon, and Juliet is your son, the effeminate rockclimber. (We are so fu(king cultured, We could just sh1t. G0ddamn Shakespeare and everything. (Although We are really riding this effeminate rockclimber bit like a two-dollar wh0re on a polo pony, aren’t We?)))
(Before you ask, no. We have no idea why she’s on a polo pony.)
If there are work or administrative matters (Then why can’t I paint you? (Seriously…whatever happened to David Gates and Bread?))
you need to get tied up, (Is it just Us, or does that particular part of this extremely tedious sentence work much better on its own?)
don't delay, get organised today. (“Organised” is, of course, the British spelling. Which is ridiculous, because how organized can they be, when they can’t even remember to go to the dentist?)
(That right there? Is what ya call your “post-politically-correct equal-opportunity racism”. Because We? Have Our finger on the pulse. (So please don’t close your zipper real quick. KThxBye.))
Mercury will leave your 10th House in about a week, for another year, but right now, you're in a strong position to get loose ends and boring details tied up, both at work and wherever you're dealing with someone in authority. (So many words, so little interest. All We remember reading in that sentence is “boring details”. Sing it, sistah!)
If there's a project at work which you've been either working hard on, thinking a lot about or - contrariwise - dragging your heels on, (See, We tried to leave the poor effeminate rockclimber alone, and right away Kelli gives Us “drag” and “heels”. Sigh. What’s a blogger to do?)
this is the time to put in that last minute mental effort. (Our personal mental effort will be spent altering “minnit” to “my-newt” in that sentence. Words are fun.)
Working late is a good idea now, if need be. (Mmm-hmm. Eight-track tapes were a good idea once, too. Just ask David Gates and Bread.)
(Our comedy, they comes in layers. Like a Ritalin, wrapped in a misery, shrouded by a smegma. Deep, We are, and meaningless.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ is pretending not to know “smegma”. Clearly, they never saw that underground stag film with David Gates and the effeminate rockclimber.)
(Okay, that’s enough. YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
Cowgrass Records presents David Gates and Bread’s Greatest Hit.)
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