Making movies on location

Greetings, Euthanasia Really Isn’t Chinese---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 12, 2010 (Happy Abraham Lincoln’s Actual Birthday. And Happy Beginning Of The VD Weekend: May all your chancres be pustulent, and your discharges scalding. And Happy Presidents Day, although We’re sure We’ll see you again before then. What a jam-packed, fun-filled holiday weekend! Now if someone would just deliver the mail and take away the trash, We’d be good to go.):


(Speedy recover to Our cousin Chris, who is having surgery today to repair his injured driving finger. (“Driving finger” being, of course, the middle finger of One’s left hand, the left hand being the one that goes out the window when One is driving.))


(It was, of course, Lily Tomlin who said (We paraphrase) that humans invented language because of their deep need to complain. (And, parenthetically (hence the parentheses), if there’s a job out there that requires complaining raised to an art form, sign Us up.) It was We, however, who, in addition to We-We-We-ing all the way home, said that humans invented SitOnMyFaceBook so they could look up people who had dumped them years ago and find out that they were now fat and in relationships with ugly people.)


(Not, of course, that this happened to Us this very morning. And not, of course, that We’re gloating about it.)


(If you are still stuck on “We-We-We-ing all the way home”, perhaps you’re not ready to be a full-fledged Eric’s Daily Horoscope reader. But you’re in luck! Any day now, We shall be launching Eric’s Daily Horoscope Junior, for children 8 years old and up. (We’re stopping right here, because, seriously, We just thought of that joke as We were typing it, so that’s really all there is. But really…would the junior high school set love Us, or what?))


(Meanwhile, on Eric’s Dream Channel last night (which bears no relation whatsoever to Barbie’s Dream House), the dream that We can remember involved Us getting on a plane. As We went through the door to the plane, We pulled a half-empty two-liter bottle of Diet Coke™ out of Our garment bag and handed it to the stewardess, saying, “I can’t take this on the plane, can I?” Because Our dreams apparently have product placement now.)

(There are those, no doubt, who will object to Our use of the word “stewardess”, blah-blah-blah sexist, blah-blah-blah “flight attendant”. We are here to tell you that, if We got all the way to the door of the plane with a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke™, We are clearly back in the day when the term “stewardess” flourished. Also, the soda probably had cyclamates in it, and you’re lucky We didn’t say Tab™.)


(We took Our seat in the plane, which, speaking of back in the day, was oddly decorated with faux wood paneling and royal blue shag carpeting. It was also very sparsely populated with other passengers, each of whom had at least several rows of seats to themselves, as did We. We began perusing the WorldWideInterWebNetz on some device which We can only presume was an iPad, which was peculiar, because We’ve never even seen an iPad in real life (We still have a StupidPhone…that is the correct term for precursors to SmartPhones, yes?). At any rate, the device was larger than a phone, and had no keyboard, and We were perusing a message board We belong to, to the point of reading a message from someone whose username We recognized, talking about how a rather significant birthday had “snuck up on her”. The stewardess at this point served Us a cup of boiling hot coffee, which kept spilling all over Our right hand (and the royal blue shag carpet) as We perused the InterNetz with Our left, because the plane was now taxiing all over the streets of Philadelphia. Which, in Our estimation, was not getting Us any closer to Our destination of Los Angeles. In addition, it occurred to Us that We had never alerted TCBITWWW that We were coming, nor had We made any arrangements for accommodations or being picked up at the airport. Oddly, Our InterNetz-Perusal Device seemed to be read-only, so We were unable to use it to do any of these things.)


(There was also a subplot involving a rich invalid in a wheelchair, with a nurse, who had a private room (!) on the plane, but enough about stupid dreams. We never did get to LA; in fact, the stupid plane never left the streets of Philadelphia. Sigh.)


(That was one of those stories that seemed to have much more of a point when We started telling it. Speaking of pointy things, the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 .)


(Did he just say “speaking of pointy things”?)


You could get into an unnecessary battle over a minor issue today as your key planet Mars stays busy rubbing unyielding Pluto the wrong way. (“Rubbing Unyielding Pluto” was, of course, Our nickname in high school.)



Everything might appear to be going along fine (Oh, please. We don’t even get the illusion of “fine”. Our world, and welcome to it.)



until all of a sudden major parts start to fall apart. (Speaking of falling apart, if today’s horoscope seems a little short, it’s because every Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) site We went to decided to freeze up on Us when Our pop-up blocker started to block pop-ups. We’re not even sure whose prognostications are prognosticating prognosticationally on Us this morning. It’s a jungle out there, and you know what They say: don’t be the bunny.)



(That’s from Urinetown: The Musical. For those who were wondering. And, for those who weren’t wondering, just be grateful We didn’t do the “how much wood would a woodchuck chuck” thing with that pop-up blocker bit back there. You’re welcome.)



Don't panic; (Oh, go stick your head in a pig.)


(Micro$oft Weird™ has stuck a blue squiggly line under “go” in the preceding sentence. Which should mean that it thinks We have chosen Our word incorrectly. However, if it thinks that, it should have a word in mind that We should have used, yes? So when We click on the squiggly blue line, it should tell Us what that word is, instead of coming up with no suggestions, because otherwise, why is it annoying Us with its fu(king squiggly blue line that goes nowhere?)


(We can only imagine that it would prefer “Oh, do stick your head in a pig” (and, in fact, it doesn’t blue-squiggly-line that sentence at all, but (A.) why doesn’t it just say so, and (2.) that sounds awfully prissy and British for Our Own Personal Self.)



just keep returning to the basics and try to simplify your life. (One Uzi, one belltower. Simple.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Reach out and cowgrass someone.)