Ground control to Major Tom…

Greetings, Egyptian Rewrites Israeli Constitution---


(Hijinks ensue.)


(Oh, please. We’ve been doing this since 2001, and Micro$oft Weird™ still doesn’t know “hijinks”?)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 23, 2010 (So, in what is clearly a slow news day, the inventor of the Easy Bake Oven™’s light bulb has gone out: http://www.seriouseats.com/2010/02/easy-bake-oven-inventor-ronald-howes-dies-at-83.html (All of a sudden, We’re Paul Harvey. (Who is, just so ya know, also no longer among the cake-baking.))):


(In other news (now We are contemplating Eric’s Daily Horoscope: The Radio Show, as We wonder what major metropolitan listening area will be the first to ban Our big fat @ssz from the airwaves. But, hey, everyone who sees Our picture says We’ve got a face for radio. And surely, the folks who have been so helpful with all of Our other endeavors will be right there behind Us on this one. We can’t wait! “Stand by for NEWS!”), bon voyage to Our Sistah Ovella and her husband Teddy-Jay, who are off to (what We hope will be) sunny Florida. Here in what is not-so-sunny Philadelphia (the people who named that stupid show lied), We are on Day Three of Our cold, and We are here to tell you that getting plenty of rest really does work. Of course, if you stayed home from work for three days because of a cold, you would lose your job, because this is America, but We are just putting the information out there.)


(Today’s pixture, you will be pleased to learn, is from Fashion Week, which was, of course, last week. (Kiss Us quick, We’re au courant. And We have Our finger on the pulse. Ooops…now it’s stuck in your zipper.) At any rate, We are thinking that the pixtured ensemble should be Our new interview suit. (We hope they make it in jumbo sizes.) Just think of the jawbs We’ll get!)


(For those who mayhaps have missed it, appearing as it did in Our Sunday edition, here’s this: Presumably, many of you out there in Eric’s Daily Horoscope ReadersLand have friends. Many of said friends may be persons unknown to Us Our Own Self Personally. Out of all of these poor, hapless souls who have never had the privilege of meeting Us, there must be a few who are having birthdays in the upcoming two weeks or so. And, out of those, surely at least one or two are enlightened enough to realize what an honor and a privilege it would be to be a wished a happy twenty-fourth birthday in these hallowed pages. So, in Our beneficence, for a limited time, if you share a friend’s name and upcoming birthdate with Us, We shall wish them a happy twenty-fourth birthday right here in Bloggonia, and won’t you just look like quite the hip, hep, happenin’ friend?)


(We would really like to give a little theory that We have two test tickles, as it were. (That joke just doesn’t get old, does it?))


(Our-O-Scope…)


Keep as low a profile as you can. (Oh, please. If We get any lower, We’ll be licking snails’ bums. (Which was, of course, Our nickname in high school. (“Licking Snails’ Bums”, naturally.)))


Take it easy. (Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy, Japanese are just Chinese-y, if he hollers let him go, some Puffs’re Cheezy™, some Ro-CoCoa™. (Hey, you remember childhood rhymes your way, We remember them Ours. (Our way is, naturally, funner.)))


(Yes, We said “funner”. Because “funnier” went without saying. So, needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), We didn’t say it. See?)


(She sells bl0wj0bs by the seashore.)


(What?)


Even dodge work if it's possible. (Do not, on the other hand, dodge balls.)


Right now, home and family are where the heart are. (“Are where the heart are”? Seriously? Because for a small fee, We could actually edit this sh1t into Engrish for you, Kelli. We’re just sayin’.)


Being at home is going to be feel right. (Indeed. Because, the night of Our show, We walked past an office building where We could see cubicles through the window, and We promptly broke out in hives.)


And if you can't be at home, (Love the nun you’re with?)


can you be out with your family? (We could be out with Our family. We could also talk to the animals. Fu(k you, Mister Bunny. Eat sh1t, Mister Bear. (If Gilda Radner were (subjunctively) still baking cakes in her Easy Bake Oven™, she would be sixty-four years old this year. It just goes to show ya, it’s always somethin’.))


If you can, go for it! (That sentence becomes much more interesting if you change it to “If you can-can, go-go for it.” Although attempting to can-can in a mini-skirt could probably get you arrested.)


You're a super speedy sign (D@mn cr@ck. (Jimmy smoke cr@ck, and I don’t care.))


and you sometimes forget to take the time to connect with the people closest to you. (Only because they fail to lie down in a convenient position.)


But you have a TON to gain (Oh, Jeebus Cripes! Another ton? However will We fit out Our front door?)


from spending time with your nearests and dearests. (To say nothing of queerests. (No, really…say nothing.))


It will benefit ALL your most important relationships. (Really? BOTH hands?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass...what the astronauts drink.)